From: FTWeekly00
Sent: 24 March 1998 09:03
To: FTWeekly00@aol.com
Subject: Film Threat Weekly : "OSCAR SPECIAL" Mar. 24th, 1998 : Slate II, Take 13
FILM THREAT WEEKLY
"Special OSCAR Edition"
=============================
Slate II, Take 13 : March 24th, 1998
=============================
http://www.filmthreat.com
=============================
"I'm the king of the world! Woo, hoo -- woo, hooo!!"
- Leonardo DiCaprio screaming from the bow of the ship from "Titanic" just
days before he saves Kate Winslet only to die horribly in the freezing cold
water.
(And James Cameron upon receiving his Oscar for Best Director.)
<===========Deluxe======Widescreen======Edition ===========>
THIS WEEK "Right here, right now."
===========================================
——> FILM THREAT ON THE OSCAR SCENE: Inside the Big Show
——> AND THE WINNERS ARE...: Plus, who really should have won.
——> AND LAST YEARS' OSCAR WINNERS WERE...
——> THE PARTIES: We came, we saw, we crashed. Free booze!
——> THE REVIEW OF THE SHOW: Did it feel a little long to you?
——> TITANIC: In a Nutshell
CLASSIFIEDS "If you advertise, they will come."
===========================================
Reach over 35,000 film fanatics on the net. FILM THREAT WEEKLY's list is now
growing by over 1,000 new subscribers a week! (Yeah, even we're shocked!)
For our reasonable ad rates, e-mail advertise@filmthreat.com.
SUBMIT YOUR FILM
Arizona Film Society is accepting new feature films for its Saguaro Film
Festival, early May, Phoenix, Arizona. Please send VHS tape and promo
material to POB 9147, Scottsdale, AZ, 85252.
http://members.aol.com/azfilms
azfilms@aol.com
FILM FESTIVAL ALERT!
Film Threat Publisher Chris Gore is currently writing a book called "The
Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide" for Lone Eagle Press. He seeks your
help in putting together the festival listings section for the book. Please
e-mail festival@filmthreat.com with "Festival Questions" in the subject line
and we will e-mail you a form to fill out. Hurry! The deadline is April
15th.
CONTEST!!! WIN A FREE BOOK!
Get a FREE book if you act fast! "Film Production: The Complete UNCENSORED
Guide to Independent Filmmaking" by Greg Merritt covers everything from
production, post, raising money to editing, scoring, the works. It's like
drinking a dose of 100% Pure Film School Concentrate! Just send an e-mail
with your complete mailing address and 10 winners weekly will be selected at
random to receive the book FREE! Hurry! (Only enter once please.) Send your
entry to: contest@loneeagle.com
http://www.loneeagle.com
WIN A FILM THREAT VIDEO! "Sign up a friend!"
===========================================
Each week we'll be giving away a special collectible Film Threat Party Video
to readers who forward Film Threat Weekly to their friends! (And you know in
Hollywood, "friends" is a loose term, so that means just about anybody!!!)
You could WIN, too! The more e-mail addresses you send, the more your chances
to win. Sign up your whole family, or your whole company! Start forwarding
FTW to your pals or send us their e-mail address and we'll send them a weekly
fix of Film Threat. That's not a threat, it's a promise.
SUBSCRIBE "Unless you already did."
===========================================
Subscribe/Unsubscribe by sending an e-mail to FilmThreat@aol.com.
FILM THREAT ON THE OSCAR SCENE "Inside the Big Show"
===========================================
It's the Superbowl of Awards shows. The Oscars are at once tense,
exhilirating, funny, dramatic, frustrating and ultimately what does it all
mean? NOTHING! This time next year you won't even remember who won.
It's also the only time of the year we actually feel sorry for celebrities
since they are forced into being interviewed on the red carpet by all of the
bad, local TV hosts. The questions they ask are so awkward, I want to
apologize for all the lame LA TV news people.
Unbelievable that the Awards were actually longer than the running time
of "Titanic." And what a night it was for the big one. If Hollywood is like
high school, then James Cameron and his wife Linda Hamilton are tonights'
newly crowned prom king and queen. On with the show...
AND THE WINNERS ARE... (Oops, we mean, the Oscar goes to...)
===========================================
BEST PICTURE
Winner Best Picture: "Titanic"
Should Have Won: "L.A. Confidential"
BEST DIRECTOR
Winner Best Director: James Cameron, "Titanic"
Should Have Won: Curtis Hanson, "L.A. Confidential"
BEST ACTOR
Winner Best Actor: Jack Nicholson, "As Good As It Gets"
Should Have Won: We'd rather not say ... Jack might beat us up ... all of us.
BEST ACTRESS
Winner Best Actress: Helen Hunt, "As Good As It Gets"
Should Have Won: Whoever was wearing the hottest dress.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Winner Supporting Actor: Robin Williams, "Good Will Hunting"
Nobody seemed to remember Williams' stellar performaces in "Father's Day" and
"Flubber"?
Should Have Won: Burt Reynolds for "Boogie Nights" ... and just because we
love that hair!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Winner Supporting Actress: Kim Basinger, "L.A. Confidential"
Should Have Won: Julianne Moore, "Boogie Nights" One word: Nudity
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Winner Original Screenplay: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, "Good Will Hunting"
Should Have Won: Anything but "Titanic"
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Adapted Screenplay: "L.A. Confidential"
Should Have Won: We're happy with "L.A. Confidential", but "Donnie Brasco"
deserved some recogntion.
OTHER WINNERS
Cinematography: Russell Carpenter, "Titanic"
Editing: "Titanic" (This category is also known as the looooooong movie award.
Simply check the running time of the film and the longest ALWAYS wins best
editing. Kind of ironic.)
Visual Effects: "Titanic"
Live Action Short: "Visas and Virtue"
Animated Short Film: "Geri's Game"
Documentary Short Subject: "Story of Healing"
Documentary Feature: "Long Way Home"
Sound: "Titanic"
Sound Effects Editing: "Titanic"
Foreign Language Film: "Character" (The Netherlands)
Original Music or Comedy Score: "The Full Monty"
Original Dramatic Score: "Titanic"
Costume Design: "Titanic"
Art Direction: "Titanic"
Original Song: "My Heart Will Go On" "Titanic"
AND LAST YEARS' OSCAR WINNERS WERE...
===========================================
Remember last year? The year of the indies? Funny, neither do we. My, how
things change. Ever try to watch that "English Patient" movie on video. Pure
torture. So, here's a round-up of last years' Oscar winners, just to refresh
your memories and maybe to help you win a few bets around the water cooler.
1997 Academy Award Winners:
Best Picture: "The English Patient"
Best Director: Anthony Minghella "The English Patient"
Best Actor: Geoffrey Rush "Shine"
Best Actress: Frances McDormand "Fargo"
Supporting Actor: Cuba Gooding, Jr. "Jerry Maguire"
Supporting Actress: Juliette Binoche "The English Patient"
Original Screenplay: The Coens "Fargo"
Adapted Screenplay: Billy Bob Thornton "Sling Blade"
THE PARTIES "We came, we saw, we crashed. Free booze!"
===========================================
by Chris Gore
It was my dream. I've wanted to do this ever since I moved to LA nine years
ago. No, not receive an Oscar, or to even attend the insidiously long event
itself, hell, it's boring enough on TV. I've always wanted to crash an Oscar
party.
Right after watching the tube I was off to Sunset Boulevard and onto the
golden parties. It took about a half hour just to park (like I was gonna
cough up $20 just for valet). Spago's was awash with onlookers and getting to
the door was a nightmare. How was I gonna crash? When I got to the door, I
told them I was "Jesse Damon. Y'know, Matt's brother?" The jig was up. They
weren't buyin' it. Time to pull out the big guns, to use the one line
guaranteed to get me into any party.
"I left my cel phone in there. I just need to go get it." No go.
In fact, my cellular was sitting visibly in my pocket, which is where I'm
calling from right now. Next year, I'm gonna rent a better tux.
THE REVIEW OF THE SHOW "Did it feel a little long to you?"
===========================================
Four hours and several bottles later, The 70th annual Academy Awards is
finally over. This years' extravaganza was much like "Titanic", the clear
winner for the night; it's over-rated and about an hour could have been cut
out of it.
Marred by random tributes to films and celebrities, the event had the
feel of a bong hit triggering acid flashbacks. What the hell was that "class
picture review" at the end? Was Sean Connery taking a dump or something when
he was supposed to be giving the last award? I think I'd rather keep the
career-decimating musical numbers. Couldn’t Leonardo DiCaprio have done a duet
with Cinderella or something? Throw him a bone, people.
What was up with the "King Kong" tribute? Billy Crystal pulls Faye Wray
out of the audience and she didn’t seem to have any idea what was going on. It
was some kind of "Price Is Right" moment.
"Titanic" managed to tie "Ben Hur" for most Oscars, at 11. However, it
won in some technical categories that didn’t exist when "Ben Hur" was made, so
I say it keeps the record. "Titanic" lost in only three categories. By the
look on Kate Winslet’s face, can you tell what one of those categories is?
Speaking of, of the five nominees for Best Actress, three of them got
naked. Thankfully, one of them was not Judi Dench. Helen Hunt won (guess "Mad
About You" is going to get a little expensive next year), and was most
gracious, except for a little missive at Miss Winslet. I say they wrestle for
it.
During the endless "class review" segment at the end, when Marlee Matlin
was shown, with her hair done up on top of her head, revealing previously
unseen portions of her anatomy. "With ears like that, she can't hear?!?"
Thanks, Scott.
The only surprise of the evening seemed to be what music we were going to
play over the ever dreadful musical numbers. The band, Spiritualized worked
quite well the blot out the taint of Celine Dion, though a "South Park" Mecha-
Streisand storming through the Shrine Auditorium and stepping on Dion would
have worked just as well.
Finally we had a moment of silence for the forgotten man of the evening,
the man we most look forward to seeing each year. This year, there was no Best
Song nomination for the master, Kenny Loggins.
Oh well, after party at Jack Nicholson’s house, ten more years of bad
behavior.
- Ron Wells
TITANIC "In Three and a Half Minutes"
===========================================
Well, if you haven't seen the movie, read these Cliff notes.
SCENE 1:
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It
is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking
pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and
people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved
my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because
you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my
character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person
into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate.
But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on
his side. Boo!)
SCENE 2:
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to
marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a
car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the
movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though
they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same
thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you
have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that
sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is
in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
SCENE 3:
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
SCENE 4:
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less
annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here
in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are
sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
SCENE 5:
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and
helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for
having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not
frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well
over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn
down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud
music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over
my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come
back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play overplayed Celine Dion song.)
END CREDITS "Written, produced, and directed by . . ."
===========================================
Publisher / Chris Gore
Executive Publisher / Victor Minjares
Contributors / Merle Bertrand, Melinda Hsu, Tom Meek, Anthony Miele, Rich
Nesbitt, Jeannie Stein, Jesse Vanek, Ron Wells
Special "Oscar" Contributors / Dave Beuscher,
Hey, publicists, want to reach over 35,000 film fanatics on the net? Send us
films, videos, CDs, games, screening passes:
FILM THREAT INTERNATIONAL HEADQUARTERS
5042 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 150, Los Angeles, CA 90036
Website: http://www.filmthreat.com
Edress: FilmThreat@aol.com
FILM THREAT WEEKLY is published by The Gore Group, LLC. All material © 1998
Gore Group Publications. All rights reserved. Contents may not be reprinted
without written permission of the author. You are, however, welcome to
forward this e-mail to whomever you wish. All letters, comments and reviews
sent to Film Threat Weekly in any manner are assumed intended for publication,
unless stated otherwise. Your name and e-mail address will be printed if
published herein. Not responsible for unsolicited submissions.
Film Threat Weekly is distributed by ZENtertainment -
http://www.zentertainment.com
THE INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE "Read Back Issues of FTW"
===========================================
Read Film Threat Weekly back issues on the "Internet Movie Database" at
http://us.imdb.com/Threat/
FILM THREAT "Hollywood's Indie Voice of the New Millennium"
===========================================
Independent, Cult, Underground, Alternative Film, Hollywood Satire And No BS
==============CUT-AND-PRINT ===============