Letters, Year One (July 1998 - June 1999)

Dave Allen, Singapore, 15/07/1998
Love the web page.

Well, it's a start.

Nick Batchelor, London, England, 15/07/1998
I came, I saw, I spanked (or should that be I saw, I spanked, I came) and it is duly bookmarked. But an intelligent, witty and diverting website? It'll never catch on.

Louis Caldicott, Woking, England, 22/07/1998
hey dude, you sound like (sorry type like) a thirty something liberal. If you have to explain where this stuff comes from then you've missed the point.

Of course, the only reason I've heard of the spirit of Christmas is cause you downloaded it and sent it to me...... oh shit that makes me an unoriginal forty something liberal. At least I don't look like a father Jack T shirt and you do....

being a monkey and all..

It's all right, readers, I know this guy.

Lee Faulkner, Dunedin, New Zealand, 06/08/1998
I'm obviously not squeamish - I thought the website was GREAT ! I even copied the Hana-bi review to show all my new found chums !! Enjoy the Edinburgh Festival. I shall keep an eye out on the Website to see how you're getting on.

Marion Carr, Sale, England, 09/08/1998
We loved Spank and his opinions! Will look forward to having a look at what comes out of Edinburgh. Hope Spank has a nice tree to sleep in.

All the Edinburgh australopithecines I know migrate during August and rent their trees out to American apes at extortionate rates, but I'm sure I'll find something. Oh, by the way, hi, Alex.

Robert G, North north London, England, 10/08/1998
Excellent site, the world needs more.

Nick Smith, London, England, 11/08/1998
Re; the Late Review, what have you against the A team of Tom Pullin, Tony Parsons and Alison Pearson? I rather fancy Alison, especially when she scratches her left or right earlobe, I have no idea of the significance but for the record it was 39 scratches stage right earlobe and 23 stage left in the last series, makes the programme more entertaining to watch.

I think the turning point was their review of one of the best British films of this year, when Tony Parsons described the leading actor as "a very ugly man". Tony Parsons says this? Hello? Mr Pot? Can I introduce you to Mr Kettle?

Tony Jones, London, England, 17/08/1998
Just had a browse of your [Ulysses] review - I hate to speculate on what activities dominate your other, as yet undocumented weekends - makes my 8 episode Babylon 5 marathons seem dull by comparison.

I have read some Joyce (Dubliners for example) but never aspired to Ulysses. My most relevant memory is being on site in Dublin strolling down O'Connell Street with a colleague who bought said book in order to start reading it in Bewleys Oriental Cafe that same evening.

As I am off to Ireland Thursday maybe I will treat myself to a copy and have a go.

Have a good time at the Fringe - if you bump into a very drunk Englishman living in Edinburgh called Dave, and busily chatting to all of the BBC micro-celebrities to be, say hi to him for me. (No this isn't a bizarre practical joke.)

I should point out that my weekends are normally a lot more active than that one. However, with a debauched week in Edinburgh approaching, I needed some way of ensuring I didn't go out that weekend and spend all my dosh.

Louis Caldicott, Woking, England, 26/08/1998
C'mon Spank, it's 7.40 am on Wednesday morning and the Tuesday review hasn't appeared yet. Are you struggling with the typing, being a monkey and all, or is it something to do with hangovers. How can I continue with my virtual Edinburgh experience when you're not up to date? Shame you're wearing Simpsons and Southpark shirts, I much prefer the one with your photo on the front - Feck!

I'd like to see you try doing this at 7.40am after a night with a Maori transvestite, bitch.

Grizelda Massey, London, England, 28/08/1998
Hello Spank and the gang! I'm finding your diary very entertaining! If you go next year I'll have to try and come along too! So far, the high point of the Festival for me (as seen on "Edinburgh Nights") has been The Mongolian Throat Singers! See y'all soon!

Lee Faulkner, Dunedin, New Zealand, 30/08/1998
I'm hughly impressed by your marathon weekend reading Ulysses. I've only ever read the Dubliners but I'm tempted, intrigued and probably mad enough to try all 3 volumes of Lord of the Rings. What do you think? Or the 5 volumes of the Gap series by Steven Donaldson - you've probably never heard of it, but Science Fiction is my preferred reading, and besides it's brilliant and inventive. An 8 hour Babylon 5 session sounds bliss (which series Tony?) and much more exciting than varnishing my bookcase which is the only constructive thing I've done this weekend! Being at Edinburgh sounds mad and wonderful and I'm also hughly impressed by your reviews and missing you all lots and lots. A transvestite Maori huh? I bet that was something!

Nick Smith, London, England, 30/08/1998
Where is Louis when you need him, it is 13.30 on Sunday and still no sign of the Friday diary, I will have to write to Spank and complain! Thanks for a brilliant trip and much enjoyed the diary, will we get an update today?

Nick, you were up there. You personally know the two people who took over from you for the second part of the week. And you wonder why I haven't had any feeling in my head since around Thursday? Anyway, all the updates are there now. Thanks for your part in the whole event, and enjoy.

Old Lag, London, England, 03/09/1998
[re: Spank's Edinburgh Diary] Agog and read it all! At our last meeting prior to Edinburgh you were talking about taking up the challenge. Had it seemed a firm proposition I would have logged on whilst up there. I do not believe that your team stayed up until 4am discussing audience alienation...

I once read Lord of The Rings in 4 days with no narcotic assistance.

Well, when I say "discussion", it was more "it was disgusting", "no, it was funny", "no, it was disgusting", "it's your round", "no, it was funny" and so on till around two in the morning. But it felt like a discussion to us.

Lee Faulkner, Dunedin, New Zealand, 15/09/1998
I have a question. If you're a monkey - where is your tail ?

Concerned Scientist !

It was cold when they took the picture. I really don't want to talk about it.

J. Marc Boissonnault, New Jersey, USA, 16/09/1998
The bit on Ulysses is not only absolutely hysterical, but right on the money. I can't believe how much I can relate to that story. Everything from reading Ulysses with no help to liking only the Bloom chapters. Keep it up!

It's probably not cool to mention this, but I will anyway: this page has been up for two months now, and J. Marc is the first person to write to me who isn't a friend I've personally badgered into reading it. Great pleasure to hear from you, sir.

Tony Jones, London, England, 03/12/1998
Thank you for your kind Christmas Card. I could not help but notice that you seem to have a Christmas tree indelicately placed up your backside. Is this a fashion statement?

I will be sending some pile lotion to help out with any problems you may have in this direction.

Happy New Year!

And the same to you with baubles on. Readers! When you're next on the Internet, why not visit Uncle Tony's World Of Gratuitously Hacked Hit Counters?

Dave Allen, in transit, 23/12/1998
Just a quick one as e-mail is expensive here, on Ko Phi Phi:

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR

Think of us scuba diving while you're tobogganing!

If you can resist the urge to punch a hole in your computer screen out of sheer jealousy, you may want to have a look at Dave and Shona's Holiday Snaps Page.

Simian, Rotovegas, New Zealand, 23/01/1999
i spanked a monkey once..it wasn't mine it was my friends....

Hopefully this shows you just how desperate I am to receive some half-decent letters from you lot.

Ron Rayner, Ontario, Canada, 12/02/1999

Ron didn't actually leave any message other than his name and address, but it's nice of him to let me know he passed through. How about some comments next time, though?

Jonathan Tanner, somewhere in London, England, 12/02/1999
An REM tune on your pick of the pops, sounds to me like you are starting to suffer from middle aged easy listening syndrome.

I refuse to be called 'middle aged' by someone who still uses phrases like 'pick of the pops'. But on that subject, now that you lot know the sort of stuff I listen to currently, would anyone out there like to suggest what I should be listening to?

Phil Hobbs, London, England, 21/02/1999
I'm trying to find out when the Star Wars Premiere is, and which movie company will be releasing it - if it's for charity I'll go. Any ideas?

Meanwhile - you get any REM tickets? I got some but not standing.. ho humm other halves....

Well better go - have fun spanking (oeer!)

You'll find out about the British premiere of Star Wars I at the official site, but I suspect if you haven't got contacts in the Royal Family itself, you'll have to wait till the following Friday to see it. Alternatively, you may find events on this site around the end of May to be of interest...

REM? They're middle-aged easy listening, aren't they? Or so I'm told.

Rickity Old Bastard, right behind you, c/o Computers Unlimited, 25/02/1999
Your mothers a cheap smelly whore who'd smell a whole lot better dipped in rat puke. Eat Shit and Die.

I'm including this one for the purposes of balance, you understand. And to illustrate the tragic consequences of siblings getting married and raising children.

Mr Monkey, Minnesota, USA, 05/03/1999
[re: the Simian Substitute Site Of The Month for March 1999, Mr Monkey's Index Of Famous Monkeys]

I am honored to have received such acknowledgement from a fellow simian. I just finished putting a link to your web page at the top of the Index of Famous Monkeys, and eventually i will put one on "Monkeys on The Simpsons" as well. As to the comments by USA Today -- i did not consider them "mockery," or else i certainly would not have quoted them on my site. My tiny cloth chest nearly burst with pride when i read those words. For what higher compliment can an individualistic monkey receive, than to be panned by a news source so substandard that it has even been mocked by Homer J. Simpson? Your support is appreciated nonetheless. Thanks for everything!

According to Mr Monkey's links page, this site is a "simian media review", which is a lot nicer than some of the other things it's been called. Anyway, hearty thanks for the plug. But can anyone out there remember exactly what Homer said about USA Today?

Marissa Sacher, Old Brookville, USA, 05/03/1999
I love ya all

Lalahohum, St. Louis, USA, 06/03/1999
URL: alavista.com

Nice try, but it might have been more effective to go for one of the porno variants of AltaVista that actually works.

T Dyre, somewhere in mid America, 07/03/1999
We were the 1998th spanker, are we eligible for a free Streisand CD, or just gullible? Thought you'd like to know Mr Monkey.

Er, gullible, I guess. Mind you, the hit count was only in the 1700s last week, so this has taken me by surprise a bit. I'm assuming the humongous traffic this site has picked up recently is down to the link from Mr Monkey's highly popular Index of Famous Monkeys. It's good, isn't it? Anyway, proving that you were the 1998th visitor could be a bit tricky, although I'm sure you were somewhere around that figure.

Is there really a demand out there for copies of the Streisand CD?

Gary Allen, Saint John, 11/03/1999
I Gary Allen also like to spank my monkey once in the morning and twice in the evening.

That's nice. And you're quite sure you want this made public, do you?

Sabrina, Williamsport, USA, 11/03/1999
when I went into this page I was hoping to find a picture a cartoon picture of a monkey because I love to draw cartoon monkeys if you have a couple or have the time can you send me them! THANK YOU

Hi Sabrina. Apart from the pictures of me in the background, the only cartoon monkey on this page is in the South Park bit, and that one's a wee bit rude. If you go to the Archive and look at the Simian Substitute Sites, you'll find some good monkey pictures on those web pages. My favourite cartoon monkey is Charley the Australopithecine, who's in the Tom The Dancing Bug strip. Thanks for writing!

Old Lag, London, England, 14/03/1999
My exciting new Intellimate wheel mouse does not work on the scroll bar of your web site. Will never visit again.

Hey, it's not my scroll bar, Old Lag. It's more likely to be your crappy old AOL browser not being able to cope with any technology invented after 1992. And if you had so much trouble scrolling, how did you get to the bottom of the page to fill in the comments box in the first place?

Nikki G., Ijamsville, USA, 15/03/1999
I think that you guys are the best! And these web-sites are the best also! Never change because I love all of you!

It's very nice of you to say so, Nikki, but I should point out that I'm the only one here. Sure, Spank's Pals help out on the big occasions like festivals and so on, but for the most part this is a one-australopithecine operation.

Lee Faulkner, Dunedin, New Zealand, 23/03/1999
I've actually been busy at work this month so I hadn't had a chance to check out your website for a while. I can only reiterate how impressed I am by your reviews. And animation now too. It must be a lot of hard work.

I wouldn't get too worked up about the animation, Lee, it's all stolen from other sites. The banner ad for Comic Relief is gone now (but feel free to keep on donating them your cash if the Comic Relief site is still up), while the 'New' flash is just there because one or two of Spank's Pals thought I should make it clearer where the latest updates are.

Paul, London, England, 26/03/1999
This page is so cool so please keep me up to date with all the changes made.

I'm not sure if there's enough of a demand out there to make automatic email notification of changes a feature, Paul. However, it's easy enough to set up for yourself. Fill in the form on the Netmind site, tell them you want to track the URL http://www.gleeson0.demon.co.uk/index.htm and they'll send an email to the address of your choice whenever it changes.

Generally speaking, I'll post one or two big reviews a month, update the letters page whenever I've received enough mail to make it worthwhile, and always set up a new Simian Substitute Site link on or around the first of each month. If you're really worried about missing new stuff, your safest bet is to visit the site ten or twelve times every day and push my hit count up that bit further.

Old Lag, A Pub, Anywhere, 28/03/1999
Good to see lots of interesting material. But because of the Intellimouse boycott, missed finding out about American Independence which is a great pity.

It's fairly obvious that you have not got enough Y2K work to do. Your boss had better not find out.

I've got plenty of Y2K work, Old Lag: that's why the review of The Sticky Fingers Of Time came a week after the rest of the American Independence stuff, because I had to work late on the night of its first screening. Don't worry about missing the season: it's coming back to London for a run at the Prince Charles at the end of the tour, from May 28th.

Rob Densum, At my desk (still.......), 01/04/1999
[re: La Tanière Désagréable De Fessée Le Singe]

Very good Spank, but I note that it failed miserably to translate "Click here" buttons... I'd be fascinated to find out what 'www.jiveon.com' would make of all this! Le jive Francais anyone?

P.S. Anyone who goes to see a West End musical called Mamma Mia deserves just what they get. Having said that; "...sexually predatory fat women..." eh? sounds just like my kinda show!

For those of you who missed it, Rob's referring to the rather childish April Fool's day prank which resulted in this whole site being in French for a large part of the day. If you did miss it, there's now a copy in the Archive. The whole translation into French was done fairly quickly by stuffing the pages through the automatic language translator in AltaVista. Jiveon.com does something similar, but translates your text into Jive slang in such an entertaining fashion, I still haven't worked out yet whether it's racist or not. God knows what happens if you combine the two, but why not visit both sites for yourself and find out?

As for the sexually predatory fat woman: did I mention she was singing Take A Chance On Me at the time? Now that's put you off, hasn't it?

Rob Hampton, drummer with Poptart Monkeys, Pennsylvania, USA, 01/04/1999
[re: Simian Substitute Site Of The Month for April 1999, Poptart Monkeys Home Page]

Thanks for the support. We would love to play London, we've never gotten any offers. If you know of anybody who would fly us over there to play send them our way.

The only contacts that spring to mind are my pal Dave Allen and his colleagues at the Ross Leopard Floating Venue. Unfortunately, as Dave's just got back from a four month round-the-world holiday, I doubt he could afford your bus fare from the airport, never mind paying to fly you over. If anyone else out there is interested, have a listen to the Monkeys' MP3 samples and then drop Rob a line via their home page. And boycott Kellogg's! Again!

Dawn Warner, Shelton, USA, 23/04/1999
asshole stupid retard

One of my favourite pastimes is trying to spot which of the visitors to this site came here expecting to see something they could wank to.

Erin Bergeron, Port Orchard, USA, 04/05/1999
Well hey there... My best friend Aaron Banks and I have this whole monkey thing going on right now. It all started back in December when a bunch of us punk ass teenagers moved into one hell of a white trash house. I came into some money and Aaron was trying to get me to buy a LIVE monkey. We got into a lot of arguments about this damn monkey that he wanted me to buy... geez! So that's when our monkey obsession started. Now we are always buy'n each other monkeys and giving each other pictures of monkeys... so on and so forth. So that's why I came about your little web site here. So if you could ever send me anything of the monkey sort that would be spiff. Well yeah I'm done babbling.

thanks, (the little hippie) ERIN BERGERON

PS~ PAGE 58 LIVES!

Erin claims she's "not cool enough" to have a home page, but that certainly isn't the case for the Page 58 cryptically mentioned in her PS. (Search engines can be so damn funky sometimes.)

A retired Droog, Woking, England, 06/05/1999
Spank, not often I would think of paying you any form of compliment but have just read the Orange order (oops) review and enjoyed immensely. How do we best remember the 70s? By going to Mamma Mia and seeing rejigged pop for hard-of-thinking audiences, or reliving great moments in Cinema history (this was the first X rater I managed to get into). Ah the memories of Jelly moulds, White trousers, boots, bowler hats and make-up. The violence, the gratuitous sex of it all...... AArrggh time to prop the eyes open again and dig out the Wendy C kit.....

Keep up the good work and sorry, I still think Abba were crap. At least I'm consistent.

By the way, how can you possibly follow CO with SW?

Some things are just too big to ignore, Lou. If it's any consolation, I will be filing reports on other stuff from the US while I'm over there: if you're curious as to how Anna Friel holds up on a Broadway stage, I should be able to tell you shortly...

Richard Herring, Off The Telly, England, 13/05/1999
Just read your Edinburgh diary and was greatly amused by your friends' reactions to the Lee and Herring show. It was a weird experience for us as we seemed to get a very mixed audience, and didn't know whether to play it for fans or new punters. On the whole I think it was the least successful double act show we've done at the Festival. But glad you liked some of it.

Pleased you liked the play too. Far from giving me £19, I left Edinburgh that year £10,000 lighter than when I started (it's expensive putting on a play) - the double act show nearly broke even.

Shouldn't your letter have started "My name is Richard Herring. I AM HIM!"? Assuming you're not some sort of carefully constructed hoax, it's a great pleasure to hear from you: you're now the most famous person ever to have appeared on my letters page, pushing former Divine Comedy backing vocalist Rob G into a poor second place.

In defence of Spank's Pals and their adverse reaction to TMWRNJ last year, I have to point out that a) they weren't familiar with your oeuvre to date, and b) they were all drunk and pissed up on booze following a Book Festival whisky tasting. Still, I'll be curious to see what they make of It's Not The End Of The World later this year. Oh, yes.

The Mad Monkey, Illinois, USA, 13/05/1999
This is a call to all monkeys in cyberspace! The Mad Monkey urges you to join the Mad Monkey Society before it is too late! The fate of the world rests in the balance!

Oh, all right then. I'm saving your full details for the Simian Substitute Site for June, though, so you'll have to wait till then.

Tara, Grosse Pointe Parks, USA, 13/05/1999
I love this site!

Pete, London, England, 24/05/1999
[re: Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace]

The review's great, but aren't you worried about the reaction of the true believers (i.e. sad fans). I know you were pretty complimentary, but with all those big words will they be able to tell. I hope they don't declare a holy war on your site.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday and don't get sleepless nights over the impending fatwa.

Oh and how were St Etienne?

If the Star Wars fans do declare a fatwa, there'll be a lot of people higher up the death list than me. (Remember, guys, his name's Anthony Lane, and he writes for The New Yorker.)

St Etienne were much better live than you led me to believe, Pete. Further details on that and a few other things I've seen in the US to follow shortly.

Uncle Tony, Planet Earth, Late 20th Century, 28/05/1999
Dear 'Keen sky phantom'... just read the Star Wars review and deciphered the anagram hidden in your 'nom du web'. Do I win a prize?

Liked the review, looking forward to your potted memoirs of New York (assuming they fit the raison d'etre of the site).

I seem to have gone all European so will go for a lie down...

Stunned readers should note that Tony does this sort of thing all the time. A computer company we're both familiar with has as its slogan the phrase Ideas, People, Technology: Tony and his anagram generating tools transformed this into Cheesy Piglet On A Poodle, which is much more evocative.

Tony's prize is another plug for Uncle Tony's World Of Beer, Poetry And Seaweed. His letters page needs livening up a bit, see what you can do.

Old Lag, Diverting Myself Prior To A Trip To The Dentist, 28/05/1999
[re: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace]

Methinks Thou Protestesteth Too Much. At least will not have to go and see what sounds like incomprehensible galactic gibberish. Have met people of the age, who growing up in a spiritual vacuum, have had their limited moral education from the heroic antics of Star Wars; and I do not like them.

Please allow me to contribute the cost of a West End cinema ticket towards your transatlantic air fare or Guinness, whichever you prefer.

Have a bloody good time in the States. Must go there myself.

If you share Old Lag's dislike of all things Star Wars, a splendidly vicious pisstake of The Phantom Menace has been doing the rounds of the newsgroups and can be found here. Definitely avoid this if you haven't seen the movie yet and don't want the entire plot revealed: otherwise, enjoy.

Carole Shields, somewhere in America but I'm just guessing, 30/05/1999
You rule. Loved your Ed Fest review. Going there 8/22. Can't wait. Will you review again? I send your website to all my cohorts. Kisses.

Cheers, Carole. Yes, Spank and the Pals will be invading Edinburgh again this August. More details nearer the time.

Dave Griffin, London, England, 24/06/1999
On Pet Rescue, Channel 4 weekdays 5pm, they had a baby monkey which had been rescued by the RSPCA. They wanted people to E-mail them with suggestions for a name for the little creature. A prize was offered for the best. Of over ten thousand entries the most popular name, with over 1800 votes, was 'Spank'.

So you see, people who watch daytime television aren't good for nothing: they're good for publicity. Find out what Dave did on his holidays at The Griff, but be warned that it's undergoing some hardcore reconstruction at the time of writing.