Letters, Year Seven (March - June 2005)

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 01/03/2005
Glad to see that the drunken ravings of an old slapper cum short order cook can't derail the genius that is Robbie Fowler.

(Dammit looks like I missed your copy deadline again)

Crikey. Still, they don't call her 'Psycho Delia' for nothing. It's a shame that Fowler's genius couldn't stop the early departure of Kevin Keegan.

The Belated Birthday Girl, At Home, 21/03/2005
Well, congratulations on passing 75,000. It wasn't me that got you past the line - I came along a handful later - but thought it worth a mention.

Can't think of a decent excuse to make this worth publishing - so I'll use it as a feeble excuse to plug Mark Watson's web-site, in the absence of anything of my own to plug.

That's 75,000 hits on the front page counter since I started on 14/07/1998, in case you were wondering. Woo.

As for Mark Watson, you remember him: we attended part of his 24 hour show at Edinburgh last year, and he wrote a very nice letter in response. The site covers all his various comedic activities, including (whisper it quietly) an even longer show for Edinburgh 2005. Unfortunately, he's planning to do it the week before Spank's Pals arrive for their annual visit.

Matt Palmer, Wild Japan curator, 23/03/2005
Thanks for your article on Wild Japan... I'm glad that you were happy to see this stuff on the big screen.

Although most festivals of this type are probably well funded, Wild Japan was actually organised on a really tight budget so I was really happy to get so many 35mm prints and so many venues involved. I organised the whole thing myself from home and the final scale of it was a surprise to me...

I included Pale Flower because I don't like to riff on just one type of movie over a whole festival. I try and present a couple of films that are more appealing to art house audiences, so in this case included Onibaba and Pale Flower (last time I did Punishment Park and La Rupture). These type of films catch the eye of more conservative viewers and (I hope) draw them into a festival showing wayward stuff that they'd usually turn their noses up at. I also reckon that mixing it up a bit makes for a more interesting overall experience.

In terms of Shogun Assassin I totally understand your frustration. Without getting into too much detail, one person did everything they could to block 35mm print screenings of the film. It was an utterly stupid and pointless exercise on their part but it made things extremely difficult.

Wild Japan will return next year....and it'll be wilder. I'm currently working on a UK cinema re-release of Peter Watkins' extraordinary Punishment Park...The film will be out in July and a website will be up soon.

I can't complain too much about your inclusion of Pale Flower in the festival - after all, it was The Belated Birthday Girl's second favourite movie of the weekend, after Street Mobster. (Both yakuza movies, of course. That girl won't be happy until I get myself a full back tattoo, I tell you.)

Terrific to hear that you'll be doing Wild Japan again in 2006: we'll be there. In the meantime, the Dublin leg of the 2005 tour hits the Irish Film Institute from April 7th to 12th, which may be of interest to the increasing number of readers who get here via the sidebar link on LoopDiLoop.

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 31/03/2005
Hi, all my regular readers. My competition this week requires you to come up with a witty caption for the linked picture.

Those with the funniest, most amusing, and warm and fuzzy human interest type caption, can see Spank about a prize (a compilation CD perhaps?)

Hmmm, I doubt it. Mind you, given the level of response I've had to previous competitions, I think my prize would be safe. Or would it?

Mike Sherwood, Dundee, Oregon, 04/04/2005
Sub Rosa - Virtual Restaurant Update

As always, we have lots of new stuff coming out of the creative kitchens of Sub Rosa. Below are some new recipes we've slipped into the lineup, as well as a ton of new music. Welcome to springtime in Dundee, Oregon.

Recipes:
Smoked Ribeye Empanada
Spicy Sweet Corn and Pablano Soup
Char grilled Elk Loin
Pepper Crusted Beef Tenderloin in Pinot Noir sauce
Oven Roasted Crab
Pix Patisserie Almond Raspberry Macaroons

Every month we switch out music at Sub Rosa. This time, we cleaned house. There is lots of new music in every category. Daytime, dinner time and late night. And that is not counting the cocktail nation music we added last month.

April Music Lineup:
Sons of Champlin
Grateful Dead
The Dead
Frank Zappa & the Mothers of Invention
Cold Blood
Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels
Barry Maguire
Fairport Convention
Byrds
Tennessee Ernie Ford
Music Archives

The recipes are particularly interesting. The Belated Birthday Girl and I eat out so much these days we're practically New Yorkers, so it's nice to have a few suggestions for things we can cook for ourselves.

lasttoknowwhatitisneededtoknow reasoncannotactindesiredway, 18/04/2005
1/make sure to remember the Best Laid Plans Are Made To Go Wrong something i and a number of people learned through hard experience in Kings Cross hence why friendships were destroyed and love, jesus!!! what happened to love was truly shocking.

2/make sure to remember that following the madness in kings cross the madness multiplied in Croydon and continued from what happened in the Karma Hotel.

3/make sure the dog is called emma.'as you are cleverer than me you can work that out'

4/good advice this time on how to think before acting.

5/good advice this on how to avoid being forced into positions of having to break the law no matter how minor the offence to ensure my own survival and security.

6/make to give us all good advice on how a lot people acted like complete morons including and especially both of us.

7/good advice on situation whereby if no police had been unnecessarily involved in the first place i would gladly have been willing to love you if you had loved me.

8/i was wondering despite all that happened is it possible to get the details of what was made public including especially the original escort advert that went wrong (it had to for anybody to get the impression i was a free escort.) supplying me with that would be the act of a true friend

9/ a wise man showed a movie showing a man out for revenge typically i fell asleep (i say fazed out because of a messed up body clock) but the gist of this was it acheived nothing but anger can really drive you to things.

10/ no more asinine games, you don't have pretend you are a libra when really a capricorn just to make someone see you as a friend

11/remember this does your need for control destroy relationships a question we all need to answer here in the society of horses heads.(perfectionists)

farewell dearhearts xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm confused. How do I buy these cock hardening pills you're obviously trying to sell me?

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 19/04/2005
err sports update here, and it's big congratulations to Paula Radcliffe for her record breaking third London Marathon victory. Whilst much had been made pre-race about the top notch opposition, I am sure you will agree Paula pissed all over them.

I'm going to take this opportunity to post this up before Suze does. (A less knackered version might be visible here.)

Book Cases HQ, 19/04/2005
Hi,

I took a look at your site a couple of hours ago... and I want to tell you that I'd really love to trade links with you. I think your site has some really good stuff related to my site's topic of bookcases and would be a great resource for my visitors as it deals with some great aspects of bookcases that I'd like to give my visitors more information about.

In fact, I went ahead and added your site to my Bookcases HQ Resource Directory at oh, fuck off.

Jonas Decleer, Belgium, 21/04/2005
Dear mister or madam,

I am a belgian pupil and I need some information, if possible, on the book The Talk Of The Town. For my classes of English I need to make a review of this book, but I can't find any usefull information on the internet, except on you site (luckilly). My question is; what happens further, with the choices Patrick had to make?

Please help me asap,

thanks and I'm sorry for (probably) writing spelling fouls.

greetings,

Jonas

This isn't going to be the answer you want to hear, I imagine. But it sounds to me like you've found a website that tells you what happens in the first two-thirds of the book, and now you're looking for someone to tell you what happens in the final third without going to the bother of reading the book yourself. The problem is, it's seven years since I last read The Talk Of The Town, and I can't actually remember how it ends. I think there's a suggestion that Patrick might have ended up killing someone, or I may be thinking of a different book entirely, I'm not sure.

You're just going to have to read it for yourself, I'm afraid. Ardal O'Hanlon's a much better writer than me, so you'll enjoy the ending more if you hear it from him. Maybe you could write a bit in your review about O'Hanlon himself, who's best known in England as a comedian. It's not really the sort of book you'd expect from someone whose normal job is being funny all the time, is it? Why do you think he wrote such a serious book? That might get you a few bonus marks.

Claire Bending, Movie Market, 05/05/2005
Hello,

I am contacting you from Movie Market - a UK based company specialising in movie memorabilia.

We are now selling official photographic prints from Star Wars Episode III, as well as from all other episodes, and I was hoping you might add a link to Movie Market from this page on your site: http://www.gleeson0.demon.co.uk/sw1.htm

The relevant URL is: http://www.moviemarket.co.uk/index.html?go=search&str=star+wars&x=0&y=0&cat=

It would be great if you could add a link and much appreciated.

Well, at least it's targeted spam from people who've made the effort to read the site. (Apart from the Phantom Menace article mentioned above, I've also published a review of Ian McDiarmid in The Tempest, which has been reproduced or linked to on a few Palpatine fansites.) But honestly, I'm not the only one out there whose expectations for Revenge Of The Sith are so low as to be subterranean, am I? Particularly when rumour has it that one of the key scenes in the film is almost a shot-for-shot remake of a sequence from Monty Python And The Holy Grail. Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

John Vargo, 15/05/2005
Dear Webmaster,

Good morning. I wanted to compliment you on such a beautiful web site. It is clear that you take pride in your web site, its content as well as its design and layout.

I'd like to extend an invitation to exchange links, which as you may know is mutually beneficial to our web sites as it helps toward link popularity and search engine rankings.

Should you be so kind as to accept this invitation, please provide your desired link information, including Title, url and a brief description. I will add our link to your fine site asap. (Our Link Directory may be found by simply choosing "Customer Service" from any web page, then selecting "Links")

For convenience, I provide our link information and code, which you may simply cut and paste if you so desire, below:

Title: Sexy Lingerie and Bras for Women
URL: [um, no, not really - Spank]
Brief: Fine lingerie store offering a variety of women's lingerie. Browse an incredible selection of sexy lingerie, bridal lingerie and fine imported lingerie. Satisfaction guarantee. Free shipping available.

Thank you.

Hi John! I've examined your website with the same degree of attention you've obviously given to mine, and it's a fucking abortion. Thanks for writing!

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 19/05/2005
[re: Heimat 3 review]

"Those who saw the struggle out to the end .... rather than bottling it out after one year because they felt a bit tired"

What a strange and nonsensical comment! Was there an option for servicemen and civilians of any nation during WW2, to decide they weren't taking part anymore?

Yes there is a taboo hidden history of millions of Germans massacred during WW2 by Allied Bomber Command and the Red Army, as well as post surrender systematically starved as an alternative to demobbing the Wermacht; but they fucking started it.

I don't believe the original series of Heimat was even the first word on German history let alone the last. Despite Versailles the real reason for WW2 is that the Germans (like the Americans) have always been expansionist in nature. Given that they traditionally have always looked East, and that the Thirties saw a great ideological struggle between Fascism and Communism, the surprise was that Hitler choose to invade Western Europe first (if at all), whilst making a temporary and expedient alliance with Stalin.

Hitler and Stalin were of course both monsters. The difference however is that en masse the German people bought into Hitler lock stock and barrel, whilst the Russian people were victims of both Hitler and Stalin.

I think you've missed the point of that line, Suze. I wasn't questioning the commitment of any of the participants of WW2: rather, I was amused that the person who'd been chosen to commemorate that commitment was, at the time, most famous for running away when things got a little bit difficult.

Can't argue with the rest of your analysis, and one of the things I think the first series of Heimat does better than anything else I know is to show you how the German people bought into Hitler en masse in the first place. Anyone who hasn't seen it, and has access to British Space Telly, should catch the current repeat run on BBC4. It's definitely worth a look.

Anno Domini, San Jose, California, 24/05/2005

Barron Storey's previously been namechecked on this site for his fine work on the Sandman graphic novel Endless Nights, so I don't have any objection to his new show being plugged here. Unfortunately, it's a little out of my way. But if you can make it there, pop along and let me know what it's like.

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 13/06/2005
Do you know I was this (I mean this) close to calling myself "The Stuart Pearce, ha ha ha Glazer is really a City Fan, Fanclub". However with Wimbledon around the corner (no not the lot Vinnie Jones used to play for) I have to be there for Maria.

You'd probably get on well with this guy, Suze. I particularly like his description of our EPL rivals Western Hammers, "from the west England town of Wales".

Roderick Proctor, 24/06/2005
There is this free date site filled with tons of sexoholics.

No flowers, no "walks on the beach", just meet up for... you know :)

There are also some people who want something more serious though. So if you want a long-termer, or a one-nighter, you got it ;)

Whatever floats your boat pretty much!

[URL deleted]

I wouldn't normally mention this sort of thing, but it came via the email address suzecomp@spank-the-monkey.co.uk, set up for a competition posed by regular correspondent Suze on March 3rd 2004. As that contest is well past its expiry date, I can only assume it's meant as an entry for the caption contest in Suze's mail of March 31st 2005 below. It's the first entry I've received so far. Should we let Roderick win?

Stuart Pearce Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 30/06/2005
Sharapova! How useless was she?

How quickly they turn, eh, readers?