Letters, Year Seven (November 2004 - February 2005)

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 09/11/2004
As we both know you have considerable clout in the Music Industry. Therefore I am presenting you with a one off opportunity to promote what I sincerely believe (in fact make that know) will be the next big thing. I refer of course to The Crossbank Strays who like yourself are from up North somewhere. The full story of course is on their website (in fact make that webexperience) http://www.thecrossbankstrays.co.uk/.

Anyway start petitioning that girl behind the bar at The Standard as to why there aren't more Crossbank Strays gigs in London, and you could be the next Brian Epstein (in fact make that Malcolm McLaren).

P.S. Still looking forward to receiving that apology letter from the NFT.

They don't sound bad at all from the MP3s on the site. And I do like the idea of their Christmas single, the cunningly-titled Single At Christmas.

Steve Judge, Yorkshire, 30/11/2004
[re: letter from Maria Sharapova Fanclub dated 09/11/2004]

Hello, Steve Judge, lead singer and songwriter for The Crossbank Strays. Just a big thanks to you and to my friend on the Hounslow buses for putting our name in lights.

Sales of Single at Christmas going nicely. Hope to see some of you in The South once we secure the elusive first gig in That London.

Mind how you go! Strays!!

Hmmm. I'm beginning to suspect that Suze has a closer connection to this band than he's letting on. Still, have a listen to their MP3s and see what you think.

Art' Afro, 05/12/2004
Hi !
Welcome in the new world of Progressive Afro Jazz. African mélodies mixed with jazz.

Please Click here

This seems a little too carefully targeted to be spam. Sadly, one of the people who would have most appreciated this music is no longer with us. Still, see what the rest of you think.

fred, North Pole, 01/01/2005
Christ what are you on? is it publically available? (I'll have some if it isnt too expensive) . The website layout is a bit cluttered and difficult to read, some of it makes sense? have you been hanging out with 1990's indie collectives?

what have monkeys done wrong?!

I'm on Demon Premier Connect, fred. Thanks for asking.

Fred, Arctic Circle, 01/01/2005 (about an hour or so later)
Actually, i looked at youre music compilations -you've got some good stuff -bjork, radiohead, avalanches, spearhead, stardust "music sounds better", some of the better enimen ones and junior senior. Some of the tracks i've never heard off, the chillis ones arent their best, youre choices are a bit whitey middle class art school, but cool all the same (i mean youre not pretending to be something you aint -its all in the same type of stuff), do 18-19 each year not 17 quantity counts as well as quality (i usually do one of those 120 minute tapes -get 19-28 tracks that way).

See some gigs/festivals/comedy/theatre up north (even in the midlands or provinces)too -some of it is good. Edinburgh is cool, but kind of everyone knows about that stuff Glasgow culture: now that is a bit more non-conformist, popularist prehaps, more urban but an aquired taste (besides the accomadation and food is cheaper).

Oh and Japanese music -Chage and Aska (japanese version of roxette/take that -but supposed to be ok) and 5/6/7/8s (japanese girl punk group), if i remember anymore i will tell you.

Since you wrote to me, I've made another compilation for you to pick the bones out of - see what you think. Though I think it's a bit much recommending the 5678s to someone who's actually written a Kill Bill review.

Maureen, Ireland, 05/01/2005
Dear Beloved in Christ,

It is by the grace of God that I received Christ,knowing the truth and the truth have set me free.Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of GodB4s mercy and glory upon my life.

I am Mrs Maureen Clarks from Netherlands.I am married to Dr.Franklyn Clarks who worked with Chevron/Texaco in Oman for twenty years before he died in the year 2001.We were married for twenty-seven years without a child.

He died during one of the riots in the region of Iraq where he went to work outstations. He was held hostage and slain to death by protesting militias of the region. Before his death we were both born again christians.

My late husband acquired a considerable sum of money through his resourcefulness and effectiveness through the duration of his stay in Oman and his share of the family inheritance, These monies are currently lodged in a finance institution in Europe. I am desperately in need of your assistance and guidance in the dispatch of these monies for the sole purpose of ameliorating the suffering of thousands of sick, poor and down trodden individuals ecumenically.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer of the lungs and the doctors have made it absolutely lucid that this disease is terminal. The doctors were not exact about how long I have to live but I am in the know that the disease has ravaged my body and left me at the mercy of endless cocktail of drugs been administered to me. The drugs have gone a long way in alleviating the pains, but I still feel my life gradually ebbing away.

I am currently recieving treatments at the Ireland hospital with the address details below.:
ROYAL VICTORIAL HOSPITAL
GROSVENOR ROAD
BELFAST
BT12 6BA
ROOM 4779

I do not have any existing family member to my knowledge to assist me in procuring these monies before the stipulated time. I established this contact with you solely out of need and desperation, communication with you was completely fortuitous and serendipitous.

I will ask that you inform me of your decision to assist or decline, please ensure that you make your decision based on nobility and humanity. Your assistance will remain forever invaluable and beneficial to thousands of children across the world.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

I await your urgent reply.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs Maureen Clarks

I laughed out loud four or five times reading this, possibly most loudly when I got to the bit about Maureen's lung cancer. That doesn't make me a bad person, does it?

(Answer: no. No, it doesn't.)

BAOU, INC (MPC TRUST), NY, NY, 06/01/2005
Remember BAOU.COM? Check out WIKIPEDIA dude! ahhaah. Those fags who tried to sue you...

For safety's sake, I've cut the rest of this mail, which is a series of fairly direct accusations aimed at the company formerly known as MPC Trust. (You may remember they had a brief run-in with this site back in Autumn 2003.) The accusatory part of the mail isn't the sort of thing I want to print verbatim from an anonymous source (I don't really believe that BAOU sent this themselves), so instead I'll limit myself to a few documented facts.

BAOU's business interests include, topically enough, an earthquake charity called QuakeAID. Questions about their legitimacy have been raised on Wikipedia, and amusingly the Spank/MPC feud is quoted as evidence of their tactics. You should be able to piece together the story from the multiple viewpoints expressed on the Wikipedia pages for QuakeAID, QuakeAID comments, the vote to have the QuakeAID page deleted, and the comments on that vote.

And then you should give lots of money to a reputable tsunami relief charity like DEC or Oxfam.

Stephen Grant, Brighton, 13/01/2005
Hi there! Just stumbled across a mini-review of my compering on Fri 27th August in Edinburgh, at Late 'n' Live. Very complimentary. Thanks very much.

Good site btw!

Thanks for writing, Stephen. Sorry about accusing you of being on coke back there.

Mike Sherwood & Linda Lausmann, Dundee, Oregon, 24/01/2005
Hello Monkey Spankers,

This note is about a new web site featuring a virtual stealth restaurant and underground wine bar here in Dundee, Oregon. No, not Dundee, Scotland. The 'other' Dundee here in the States. We thought you might find the web content clever - showing a love for food, wine, music and humor [check out the reservation page]. Our cheeky attitude seems to dovetail nicely with yours.

Sub Rosa started out as an HTML exercise that got out of hand. You have heard of fantasy sports teams. This is my fantasy restaurant, but the celebrity chef is my wife. This is merely a tongue and cheek snapshot of our lives in the guise of a secret eatery. The food we like. The music we listen to. The wine we drink.

To my knowledge, this is one of the few truly virtual restaurants in the world. The wine cellar is our own. The menus are what we eat and serve to guests when we feel up to it. Please consider passing this 'story' and web link along on your web site. We think your readers might get a kick out of what is going on here across the 'pond'. Definitely check out our music pages. We are huge fans of the Mash Up genre, which came to us from the UK and have some interesting stuff to listen to.

Thanks for taking a look around. Have fun. We did. By the way. I work for the Sineann winery and my wife works for Rex Hill winery, here in Yamhill County.

Check out the new kid on the block. http://www.subrosa.arbre.us or http://home.comcast.net/~sub-rosa/

It may just be an HTML exercise to you, but it's one of the most entertaining ones I've seen for ages. Well worth a visit.

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 25/01/2005
Re: Your reply to Fred in the North Pole on 01/01/05. All I can say is that it is good to see you are still persevering with your Modernist internet access service.

Incidentally a mere two months after the event, I finally received a reply to my letter to the NFT, regarding my pre film Q&A session with a member of their staff. [See Suze's review of Chisholm '72 - Spank] Thus whilst they did say that said member of staff (who to his credit admitted calling me an unpleasant name) was given a written warning, they were at pains to point out that the incident was entirely my fault, and that they had a witness to prove it (that wouldn't be you by any chance?).

Nowt to do with me, Suze. By the way, you may be saddened to hear that Ms Chisholm herself died on New Year's Day.

Sub Rosa, Dundee, Oregon, 03/02/2005
Hello Monkey Spankers.

More from Sub Rosa in Dundee. We added a virtual Valentines Dinner. Oyster and crab with sparkling wine vs. Rib eye steak and Merlot. Even virtual lovers have to eat. You'll be surprised to find out who loves what in our household.

Check out the sidebar link to Operation Valentines Day. Way funny. Let's face it, girls. You're not going to get anything you want for Valentines Day unless you start acting like a crazy, manipulative, self-destructive bitch right now.

Then go to dueling Valentines dinners and music for lovers. Here is our music for lovers on the His and Her dinner page:
Sons of Champlin - You [6.27.02 - Britt Festival - Jacksonville, Ore.]
Rockpile - If Sugar Was As Sweet As You
Squeeze - Take Me I'm Yours
Frente! - Labor of Love
Oasis - Wonderwall
PM Dawn - Looking Through Patient Eyes
Dean Martin - That's Amore

Here is my bio from an upcoming radio show where we will talk about Sub Rosa, food and wine.

Valentines can be such personal things, can't they? For example, my Valentines present to The Belated Birthday Girl this year was a DVD of Dumplings, a Hong Kong movie about a group of women who attain eternal youth by eating dim sum dumplings stuffed with aborted human foetuses. I know what girls like.

Michele, 05/02/2005
Michele has suggested an album for you on iTunes:
Moog (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture)
Various Artists
Release Date: Sep 14, 2004
Genre: Soundtrack
(P) (C) 2004 Hollywood Records, Inc.

Oooh, tricky one. Is it spam, or a random act of kindness from a reader? I'll be charitable and assume the latter. The movie of Moog is currently playing at London's fashionable ICA, and I'm definitely interested in seeing it.

Ola Nordmann, Norway, 07/02/2005
Please read my homepage, anybody who want a good laugh ;-)

I occasionally send up the email spam scams I receive in my mailbox (for example, that cancerous whore Maureen Clarks who wrote in on 05/01/2005) - but this site has turned it into a full-time occupation. Way to go, Ola.

Grand Tour Internet Super Store, 23/02/2005
Dear Webmaster,

My Web site is about lingerie apparel and is very popular among women's fashion. Therefore, I think that exchanging links with your The Unpleasant Lair Of Spank The Monkey site would benefit both of us. I've already linked to your site at [link to page with several thousand random links on it]. I'd be glad if you linked back to my site.

If you have further suggestions for a partnership, or if you have any questions or comments, don't hesitate to send me an email. You can also fax business information to xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Best regards,
Webster Sam

It looks like I'm still paying the price for pandering to Suze and Ken's obsession with Russian underwear sites two years ago.