Letters, Year Seven (July - October 2004)

Sheryl Crow Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 02/07/2004
A couple of months since I've been here, so there is a lot to get through. Anyway I bought a bicycle about nine months ago (no screw that for a moment). Instead, two links you missed for your Kill Bill page: Vol 1 & Vol 2.

Anyway getting back to my bicycle, I was sitting watching the telly tonight as Alistair Campbell interviewed five times Tour De France winner, Lance Armstrong (as this is the sort of thing I have told myself, I must now be interested in). When suddenly out of the blue, Armstrong mentions his current girlfriend is none other than Sheryl Crow. Well talk about knock me down with a feather. I can't help wondering that if I had made it to the front of the stage at Shepherds Bush last October, and mentioned my bicycle.............

Finally best wishes to our absent friend who is not forgotten.

Definitely with you on the last sentence. It's a subject that deserves more than a passing mention on the letters page, so expect a more detailed tribute to coincide with our visit to Edinburgh.

Eric Gould, web developer, Artdish, 02/07/2004
Hi STM,

Nice site and good writing!

Here's an article that was published recently on Artdish, Puget Sound's Forum on Visual Art, about the Seattle International Film Festival: Reinventing Cinema: SIFF at 30.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Eric. Consider Artdish well and truly plugged.

Morgan Reeds, Easy Way Lottery Agency, 16/07/2004
Ref. Number: 21052/0428
Batch ; Number: 636119167-DK76

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Can one of you lot pick this up for me? I can't be arsed. Ta.

Sheryl Crow Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 19/07/2004
Is this the Lost and Found section? Yes/No?

Anyway about 13 years ago I had a 25 minute Suzanne Vega doc I had taped off the telly. Thus like all my highly prized videos, I accidentally taped over it. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Yet thanks to the magic of the internet, here it is (Broadband / Real Player only).

You do realise I'm still only on dialup, Suze? Give me four months to download this and I'll get back to you.

Sheryl Crow Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 25/07/2004
Just a small follow up to my last two letters:

1) To clear up any confusion caused by Spank (of course) the Suzanne Vega Doc is left mouse click, streaming (i.e. you can't download it).

2) Even a poverty stricken unemployed wastrel like yourself Spank (Ha!) should be able to afford £24.99 a month.

3) Last but by no means least, Lance Armstrong today won his sixth consecutive Tour De France. Not bad for a man diagnosed with testicular, lung and brain cancer, before he had gotten round to winning his first Tour. A few links: Tour info and daily vids (relive all the stages), Lance's own website, Livestrong Foundation.

1) Not strictly true, Suze. Right clicking on a streaming .ram file like the one you provided doesn't download you huge chunks of video, just a tiny text format file. But look inside that text file and you'll find a URL for the .rm file it'll actually use as the streaming source, like this. And that one should be downloadable.

2) Having said that, I don't really have much need for broadband at the moment. The only regular large-scale downloads I do are South Park episodes via the good people at Lando's Stinking Hole, and the originals are so dog rough that the files aren't terribly big. Who needs broadband for that, when you've got a BT Surftime deal and the ability to sleep through a 35Mb download?

3) Congratulations to Ms Crow's speedy paramour. (That's not meant to be a drugs reference, honestly.)

Seapea, coasting, 23/08/2004
Hello Spank and Pals at Ed from a cloudy but spankin hot Costa. Saw Van down here on Friday - still the same except for a different chapeau - glass of Malaga wine for anyone coming up with the right hat.

Have heard good things about this year´s Edinburgh but cannot understand what and why - everything here is in foreign. Found a place for The Spank-Smiths and for Old Lag - searching for venues for the rest.

Off to Burgos in Northern Spain at the weekend to plant some sunflowers near the place where Rob D died.

Have as good a one as I am having.

And hope you had as good a one as we did, Seapea. Maybe you'll be back with us next year.

Sheryl Crow Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 29/08/2004
Sports Update 28th August 2004: Kelly Holmes wins her second gold medal of the Athens Olympics, and Manchester City win a home game. Surely one of the greatest days ever for British Sport.

True story: I was having a dump in the toilets at Edinburgh Airport when Kelly Holmes got her second gold. I could actually hear people cheering her on from inside there! No reaction from the Scots to the City win, though.

Jaf, Melbourne, Australia, 30/08/2004
Dear Spankers.

I stumbled across your website the other day. It's always interesting to hear my country described by a visitor. You were very polite. I live in Melbourne and agree that food and alcohol is a great reason to visit. If you ever come back and do a Yarra Valley wine tour again, do the tastings but save your purchases for a discount bottle shop, you'll save up to 50%.

Re Australian movies, I couldn't agree more. I'm really sorry you had to sit through Fat Pizza. I found with the TV series there was one funny bit every 5 episodes or so. I think the movie was worse. We've had this spate of "wog" type tv and movies in recent years. I don't know who finds them funny but I sure don't. There's a few movies I'd like to recommend. Your review is over a year old now so you may have already seen some of these but here goes anyway. The Castle, The Dish, He Died With A Felafel in His Hand, Looking for Alibrandi, Muriel's Wedding, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Shine, The Big Steal.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed your trip.

To be honest, Jaf, I don't think it's specifically a problem with Australian movies: every country in the world makes tacky comedy films that are just meant for the domestic market. (I come from the country responsible for the Carry On series, so I should know.) It's significant that the films you've listed have all played around the world, with the possible exception of Felafel and Alibrandi (they're the only ones that haven't made it to the UK, anyway). Whereas despite some scary rumours that I heard about a year ago, the chances of Fat Pizza getting released over here are virtually nil.

Andrew Tkaczyk, c/o justgiving.com, 01/09/2004
Thank you very much for sponsoring me. Your donation really means a lot to me and to Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund.

This ties in with the Simian Substitute Site for September 2004, which is the sponsorship page for Andrew's attempt at the Dian Fossey Great Gorilla Run on Sunday September 19th. A few words of explanation may be in order here.

Andy is, apparently, one of the production staff on Viz comic. In the small print of the most recent issue, they gave the URL of Andy's sponsorship site, suggesting that readers could sponsor him. I've got no personal connection to the man whatsoever: I just thought that it would be an amusing random act of kindness to point my generous ape-loving readers at him, and watch his bemusement as loads of people he'd never heard of sponsored him as a result.

I'm writing this on September 13th. If you visit Andy's sponsorship page, you'll see he's only had two sponsors since the beginning of the month: one of them's me, the other one is a regular contributor to this site. Where are the rest of you? Come on, sort it out. Sponsor him today, there's still time.

Sheryl Crow Fanclub, You know, 06/09/2004
Gadzooks Doctor let's make a run for the Tardis, I feel one of them changes coming on.

Huh?

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Flushing Meadow, New York, 06/09/2004
My God Doctor what have you turned into?

In other words the artist formerly known as 'The Sheryl Crow Fanclub' will in future be known as 'The Maria Sharapova Fanclub'. All existing contracts to be honoured in full.

Broadband users can hear the goddess Sharapova speak, after her recent defeat to former goddess Mary Pearce at the US Open.

By the way Spank, as you are quick off the mark with this sort of thing, I suppose that means you will now be calling me Sheryl.

Finally apologies to Daniella Hantchukova; it was a close run thing but you didn't win Wimbledon.

Oh, right. To be honest, Suze, I still find the idea of calling you Sheryl just a little bit creepy, so I'll have to think about that one.

Matt Gruber, 25/09/2004
[re: The TranSexPistols]

Hi and Cheers for mentioning us who are the 2nd greatest band in the world behind you know who.

We are alive and well and rocking.

It's been a good four years since I mentioned you, and only in passing, but good to hear that you're still out there. No British gigs planned, I presume?

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 13/10/2004
Tennis Update: Maria has won another title; this time the Tokyo Open (roll on next year's Wimbledon). Pictures from Tokyo here and here.

Oh yes, belated well done I suppose to Timmy for reaching the semi of the US Open, before the usual complete capitulation to Federer.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Suze starts including links to broadband streams of entire matches in these things.

George, Sydney, 16/10/2004
In your article on Sydney Australia, Fat Pizza was ridiculed by your huge brain. If you were a teen that lived in sydney you would understand the concept of Lebos & Wogs, but youre a poof from britain who doesnt understand and therefore due to this lack of understanding... therefore interest, care to blame directors on something that grabs attention and desire. Pauly made more money in one day from that film than you do in a lifetime, and see it from another perspective. A pom from england would have no IDEA on the "racial social life" of sydney teens, which this movie was based on. I myself thought it was funny, you on the other hand should have picked a better movie. BTW ur website is shit, reminds me of an art gallery full of old people unknowingly wasting their lives drinking scotch.

Actually, I did pick a better movie, eventually. You Can't Stop The Murders, which I mentioned in passing in the article, turned up in the UK as part of an Australian film festival earlier this year. And it turned out to be surprisingly funny, because despite the dodgy idea at its centre it was put together by people who knew what they were doing. Making an audience laugh at things they wouldn't normally find funny: that's the job of a good comedy director. Fat Pizza's biggest problem is that Pauly couldn't direct his own piss into a bucket.

Meanwhile, George's final comment is so gloriously incomprehensible that I plan to use it in all my publicity from now on.

Maria Sharapova Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 21/10/2004
[re: letter from George dated 16/10/2004]

Much as I enjoy reading anyone giving you a verbal kicking Spank, I can't quite work out what a "racial social life" is, and where one goes to get one.

That's because you're a pom and a poof, Suze. Apparently.

Sue Wilson, 23/10/2004
Hi,

I came across your site, http://www.spank-the-monkey.co.uk, a couple of hours ago...

...And I tell you, I'd LOVE to trade links with you!

I have a site on a similiar topic at: [link removed]

I think your site has some really great stuff and would be a great resource for my visitors.

In fact, I already went ahead and added your website to my "Resource Directory", your site is specifically listed on this page: [link removed]

I hope that's OK with you?

;)

Can I ask a HUGE favor?

..Will you give me a link back on your site?

I'd REALLY appreciate you returning the favor!

Thanks!

Drop me an email if you'd like to chat more about this.

Warmly,
Sue Wilson
Author, Owner
[link removed]

Are you Dora? Are you Dora? Are you Dora Casso in disguise? Aaaaare you Dora Casso in disguise? In case you haven't worked it out, Sue is an EVIL ROBOT WHORE. I don't want to give her site the oxygen of publicity, so you'll have to take my word for it that it's a directory of spa-related sites. On a page of links on the topic of 'dog spas', she's included a link to my review of Kinky Friedman's Steppin' On A Rainbow. What's that got to do with dog spas? Well, the word 'spa' only occurs whenever my name is mentioned on the page, whereas 'dog' appears in the quote "a blow job given with love is as beautiful as dogs playing poker". I'm presuming only an EVIL ROBOT WHORE could make a mistake like that.