Letters, Year Five (March - June 2003)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, er err errr, 01/04/2003 (am)
Two questions:

1) Having read the results of your competition, I am still unclear whether I have got 2nd or 3rd prize?

2) Why didn't you update the letters page for March?

1. Oh, it's third prize. Definitely third. (And yes, the second prize is nothing at all.)

2. I got no letters last month. It happens, sometimes.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub (Recently voted 3rd place in top music award), Piccadilly Line, 01/04/2003 (pm)
As always Spank I devote my time to bringing your readers the very best of the web.

So for those of you who like your fashions more Pravda than Prada, or whose preferences are more Tass than Tassles, then try SEXY RUSSIAN LINGERIE.

Incidentally I hope this is appreciated; I had to spend hours searching through lingerie catalogues on the web, before I found this.

As I believe they say in Russian lesbian circles, Suze, This! Is! Not! Enough!

Chris, Essex, UK, 01/04/2003
Hi there,

Just visited your site from my Nedstat page. I'm the Calligraphy one on The Ten Best Art And Culture (General) Websites In The World. First of all thanks very much for your comments! It's much appreciated and I'm flattered to be listed. I wasn't intending on taking over the top 10 on Nedstat - I just wanted an indication of the level of interest on each page for my own use. By the way, your site's good fun, keep up the good work. All the best, Chris

It's a perfectly acceptable excuse for taking over the top 10, Chris. In the old days, you used to be able to find out on Nedstat when people accessed your home page from other pages on your site, which would give you the sort of information you're looking for. Sadly, it doesn't seem to work that way any more. Anyway, glad you liked the article: I've also had favourable feedback from the makers of Naked Blog and Letteri Cafe. At least, I think Letteri Cafe are being favourable - any Portuguese speakers out there like to confirm that?

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, I'm on the run, gotta make it back home, 24/04/2003
Ok Spank I know you are the font of all knowledge, so answer me these simple questions, and claim your million.

1) Who shot down the Space Shuttle?
2) Where exactly are those weapons of mass destruction then?
3) Are Raul, Zidane, Figo and Ronaldo really great players, or do they just look good against average opposition?

PLEASE NOTE: Only cough if you are sure of the right answers.

*coughs loudly and wetly all over Suze*

Did I mention that our flight back from Australia stopped off in Singapore?

Melinda, 19/05/2003 (am)
Hi...I was doing a little research about the film Thundercrack!, and a Google search brought me to this site...but I can't find the reference---could you tell me what it was? Or point me to it? Thanks!

It wasn't very exciting, really: just a bit in my review of A Clockwork Orange about the Scala cinema in King's Cross, which is where I first saw Thundercrack! Actually, this makes it two mails I've had on the subject of Curt McDowell's film so far this year. Maybe I should try to track down a copy for a full review, now that I'm the acknowledged internet contact point for it or something...

Melinda, 19/05/2003 (later that same day)
Nightmares, eh?! Thank you for taking the time to reply...I do appreciate it. Now I'm curious as to what provoked the other party to write to you regarding this film! I do have a personal interest in Thundercrack!... it belongs to me now. I'm Melinda, Curt's sister (yes, also the character of Sash who donned the strap-on to seduce Chandler in the wine cellar...!) and since Curt died in 1987, all of his belongings including all films are mine now. I'm currently looking for just the right company to put Thundercrack! on dvd and distribute it for me...it has had a couple of runs on VHS---authorized ones....there are so many unauthorized distributors...I don't know where to begin! Every so often, I do a pretty thorough search online of anything I can find regarding this particular film (and there is plenty) which led me to your review. So....nightmares?? Do tell! Did the nightmares have to do with some of the amateur acting skills (mine in particular!)...or the hideous makeup, or vomit-caked wig? Or...the rickety condition the film was in after years of use? Now I really want to know! My only nightmare in connection to the film is trying to reign it in from all the people making money from it illegally....otherwise, it was great fun filming it. Oh, wait, there is one more nightmare...if my children should happen to watch one of my video copies of it... horrors!

I would love to hear from you...and do let me know if you ever do a complete review, I'd take great delight in reading your nightmarish view!

Ah. Okay, then, maybe I won't set myself up as the internet's leading authority on Thundercrack! after all...

As I said in the review, I wouldn't have seen the film if it wasn't for the Scala cinema in King's Cross, London, a fabulous old dive that used to show all kinds of cult and underground movies. I'd seen all the usual John Waters and Russ Meyer stuff, and assumed I was prepared for pretty much anything a film could throw at me. And Thundercrack! proved me wrong. I can remember it shocking the living hell out of me the first time I saw it - 1986, I think - and I came out convinced it was the filthiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. (It still might be.) Maybe nightmares is too strong a word for it, but there's something about that fuzzy black and white look... bits of it kept recurring in my more deviant dreams for quite some time afterwards. None of that's stopped me from seeing the film again whenever I can, though. The most recent time was two years ago at London's ICA, which had a crappy old print that looked like it would turn to dust if you just stared at it hard.

If I ever did a full review of Thundercrack!, I think it would have to depend on a DVD becoming available: so best of luck in your search for a distributor. There are whole new generations out there that need to be freaked out like I was.

(I'm assuming you're genuine, of course. I get my share of strange emails from time to time, and there's no real way of proving who you are. But it's very cool that a proper film star has apparently written to my crummy little website. Thanks.)

rob, vagina hole, 20/05/2003
bum licker

I can't find anywhere else to put this piece of information, so it may as well go here. Someone's nicked my review of The Tempest from here and posted it up on an Ian McDiarmid fan page. I suppose I could be huffy about them doing it without my permission, but to be honest I'm more impressed that they've TRANSLATED THE WHOLE THING INTO FUCKING RUSSIAN. Can any of you lot tell me if they've done a decent job of it or not?

Melinda, 22/05/2003
[re: letters dated 19/05/2003]

'Proper film star'?? You flatter me! Starring in films and being a film star are two different things...or more accurately, starring and being an actress are different. I was never an actress, just there at the time and place to be in Curt's films, as well as George's (Kuchar) and a few others. I'm the worst! As far as 'proving who I am'...I'm sure there are ways, and feel free to do so, no matter how funny it is to me---the idea of proving one's authenticity is normally saved for actual celebrities. But thanks..uh..I think!

You wouldn't actually have to wait for me to come up with the dvd...it has already been done, and is available online (by yet another weasel)--- you mentioned John Waters...he's the one who convinced me to do the dvd's. I had occasion to talk with him last December (he and Curt were friends) and he said I should definitely put Thundercrack! on dvd, at least that one, if no others. I'll try! I definitely could come up with some 'never before seen' footage. I have every piece of the film in storage right now. I did the non-creative editing, meaning I'm the one who spliced together the original print to match Curt's edited workprint. All this to say, I know every frame of that thing. Perhaps you and I could be co-leading authorities.

Again you made me laugh...'FILTHIEST' ? Now tell me why you thought this was any more filthy than any porn you'd ever seen. I really want to know! Is it because of the incongruity of the sex scenes mixed in with the flowery dialogue? Was it the boy/boy scenes that many film-goers have not had occasion to witness? Was it my 'lily-white butt' turned red from gyrating on cacti? The pickled hubby in the wine cellar? (side note: THAT was truly sickening, that jar was filled with some sort of entrails, pieces of bread, and water, and when we finally opened it to dispose of it after filming, the smell caused the entire cast and crew to go racing out to the street for air) PLEASE tell me why it was filthier than the average film. I can't wait.

I'm anxious to be able to provide new film prints to replace the ones that have been stared at too hard...it will take time and plenty of money. I've just been asked about the possibility of bringing a good print and being a guest at a film festival in New Zealand next spring...sounds like fun to me! The down side to that is people expecting to see the young and thin 22-year-old me who appeared in the film...and instead seeing some old matronly-figured lady who bears no resemblance. Ha! Sorry to have put that image in your head.

I've visited your website a few times now, and I don't agree with your assessment of 'crummy'. Please continue the monkey-spanking activity. Not that you need encouragement to do so.

I'm not quite sure how to say this, or how it'll affect your opinion of me. But... I haven't seen very much porn at all. Put it down to a combination of Catholic upbringing (yeah, that old story) and living in a country with fairly oppressive censorship laws (though to be fair, it's getting better now). Because of that, Thundercrack! was the first film I'd ever seen that had what you could describe as hardcore scenes in it. I think the combination of that and the incongruities you mentioned - the dialogue, the wild story, the vegetables - all of that combined to make it a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Yeah, I could probably say I'd seen filthier things since if I sat down and thought about it, but nothing will ever have the same impact on me as that night in the Scala back in 1986.

Thanks for your kind words about the website. Again, hope that you get the DVD sorted out: I'm sure I can find some way of getting it into the country when you do.

DanceShopper Web Development, 29/05/2003
Dear Webmaster & Dancer,

We found your info through a web search, and would like to feature information about you on our site.

DanceShopper.com is an innovative shopping portal specialized in merchandising dancewear, ballroom dance shoes, ballroom dance music, dance supplies and accessories, as well as dance jewelry. Not only that, we also look to build a new section to provide our customers ballroom dancers with any ballroom dance related information, including where to find dance studios, dance instructors, as well as dance events and dance competition schedules.

To this end, we would like to put your website's link on our web page so that our site visitors could click the link and find the information to your site. This will also increase your site traffic.

If you are interested in our link exchange program could you please provide us the banner or link to your website with a small one-sentence description (a company's slang for example). As exchange, could you please info us after you have established our link on your website and mail us the exact URL?

Our "Links" section can be easily accessed through the links at the bottom of each category page: ( Shoes / Dancewear / Accessories / Jewelry / CD\Video ) or at http://www.danceshopper.com/links.htm. It is a still growing section and soon we will make it more appealing and accessible.

Please see our banners at http://www.danceshopper.com/banners.htm.

We appreciate that you reply to this email and advise us if you are interested in exchanging each other's website links. Please don't hesitate to write to webmaster@danceshopper.com if you have any questions.

Kind regards,
DanceShopper
Web Development

It's spam, obviously: sent to the email address for the Cheap Sex & Sad Films competition, and presumably triggered by the reference on that page to its predecessor Dance A Dickless Jig. But how could I resist an opening line like that?

The 2003 Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 05/06/2003
Dear Spank,

I have noticed that if you go to your letters page, and then want to return Home, there is no link at the top of the page. The only options that are therefore open to one are to either:
a) Go to the bottom of the page, where there is a link, or
b) Hit the back button on your browser.

Well done, Suze. Can any other readers describe the navigation path of another web page in a couple of sentences? Then write to me and tell me! There'll be a prize for the best one.

(Alternatively, note that the Redesign Fairies are planning to make a visit to this site in July. So if you have any comments about changes you'd like to see to the current layout, let me know. Sure, I may well just ignore you, but it's the thought that counts.)

Rob D, Croydon, South London - or is it the City of Croydon, no - it's still in South London, 17/06/2003
[re: letter from Suzanne Vega Fanclub dated 01/04/2003]

Re: Russian lingerie site - this is probably the funniest site I've ever seen. OK, I admit I expected it to contain photos of heroines of the revolution in G-strings, I'm only human aren't I?

Have to admit it, the boy Suze done good with that one. Although if anyone deserves congratulations at the moment, it's Rob D himself - his review of African musician Samuel Oyediji back at Edinburgh 2001 has been quoted on Oyediji's own website, nestling proudly between reviews from the Independent and the Daily Mail. Every so often I find stuff I've written here appearing on other sites, but I believe Rob is the first of the Pals to achieve this honour. He comments that he's "surprised the Mail review wasn't headlined 'African immigrant appears to have talent shock'".