Letters, Year Four (March - June 2002)

Chang Newman, Hertfordshire, 01/03/2002
I love monkey's, anyone else here love them too

I suspect KingBoyD's site recommendation of 19/02/2002 may be of interest to you, Chang.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 03/03/2002
Greetings er Mr Spank

I like the new search facility. I have just tried and am very impressed, that I only needed to make 5 clicks to find the review of Mulholland Drive (it's the second one if you are looking).

Now what about doing some more work on your Logrolling page...

Oh, it's too much like hard work. To explain: an associate of Suze has a photography website. Back when I wrote the Logrolling page and did my bit to plug it, it was called Mike's Voluntary London Photography Website. Then last year he stopped offering his services and changed the site's name to The Photography Projects Of Mike, but it stayed in that form so briefly that The Internet Archive didn't get time to make a copy of it. Then recently, as hinted at in Suze's letter, it changed format once more to become Mike Snaps London. Except if you went there within ten days of Suze writing this letter, it had changed back to The Photography Projects Of Mike again. Who knows what it'll be called when you visit? Exciting, isn't it?

Uncle Tony, temporarily in Liverpool, 04/03/2002
[re: winning the 2002 CD competition]

Sorry about that - I took less than an hour on Google thanks to my bizarre ability to find things. I got to Dandelion as an option quickly but couldn't confirm for a while - in fact I found pages pertinent to the group in question en route which rather clinched it.

If I win next year do I get to keep your entire CD collection and CD writer?

Um... no.

Simon Aldous, London, England, 04/03/2002
[re: losing the 2002 CD competition]

I'm gutted.

Perhaps me and "uncle tony" should sort it out with a fist fight next year.

Um... no.

Old Lag, Sitting In The Spring Sunshine, 09/03/2002
Dear Spank,

Congratulations on adding the search engine FusionBot to your web site. It does a very good job. As we see nearly all our films in November, people can read our terrible reviews as the films pan out to the cinemas through the year. They can learn for example that somebody slagged off Gosford Park, which they now seem to be queueing in droves to get into at the Screen On Baker Street. By the way, rumour has it that you have replaced the PC in your bed with a partner, or is there a menage a trois going on!

Let me make it clear: I did not have sexual relations with that PC.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Give over, 15/03/2002
[re: letter dated 03/03/2002, plus events broadcast on BBC2 14/03/2002]

DAMN, now I really will have to start hanging round graveyards if I want to meet up with Buffy.

And another thing: This week the aforementioned website was called 'Mike Snaps Posh and Becks In Their Underwear'. However you may have missed it, and it has reverted again to ... (oh you know). Incidentally the man behind it is thinking of taking a new approach, based around actually taking some pictures, as opposed to rearranging the old ones.

Did you manage to get through the whole of season 5 without anyone telling you the ending, Suze? I'd be impressed if you did, considering the contortions that fellow Buffistas like the Belated Birthday Girl had to go through to avoid spoilers. As for those of us who saw it on Sky last year, I don't think we'll ever forgive them for their trailer for that last episode, which consisted primarily of the final shot of Buffy's tombstone. Twunts.

We await the results of Mike's site overhaul with, um, interest.

Rob D, Sat in front of a computer - where the **** else would I send email from?, 19/03/2002
[re: losing the 2002 CD competition]

I'm amazed it took 'uncle tony' less than an hour on Google to find the answer - it took me about a minute by the same route (yes, I know about a minute is less than an hour). Perhaps Uncle Tony needs to get a faster internet connection?

Re: Teddy Borg. OK - I have to know, did you really enter 'Teddy Bears & networks' into a search engine? You sad, sad, monkey. I'd have thought you had better things to do with your time nowadays.

Pausing only to explain that the Teddy Borg featured in Hidden Agendas during the second half of March - and if you have to ask, you'll never know - I'd like to deny Mr D's scurrilous accusations of nerdy searching. The link first appeared on Fark, a terrific source of strange news stories and found websites, each of which is subsequently discussed by Fark's readers.

miranda, canada, 20/03/2002
hehe

Well, that's your opinion.

Cristina Paniagua, Leipsic, Ohio, 22/03/2002
i love your website because i also love monkeys they are so cute and i wanna get one as a pet one day!!:)

Think very carefully before taking on a monkey as a pet, Cristina. The amount of money you'll have to spend on essential supplies like food and DVDs is enormous.

fmk, swimming with the viscious, 28/03/2002
loved the tom robbins review. fierce invalids is a fantastic rd, up there with the rest robbins has put out. i've been a fan of the man since before 2-4-6-8 motorway ....

Did you see what he did there, readers? Much better quality jokes should hopefully be available on fmk's website, loopdiloop.com.

Greg Cryns, Los Angeles, 13/04/2002
The band, Spank, out of LA will be signed soon.

Would you like to swap banners (or text links, whatever)?

http://www.spank-it.ws

Site is currently being revised - we have a good following

Let me know!

Not sure if we have all that many readers in LA, but yeah, why the hell not? Spank, for want of a better description, ROCK!, and their site includes MP3s of half a dozen of their songs, as well as photos of their cameo appearance in the next Pauly Shore movie. Check out Guitar And A Song for an amusingly sweary example of their audience handling technique.

Tom Collins, Ireland, 13/04/2002
Hi, just spotted your nice comments about Teenage Kicks at the LFF. You know it wasn't easy to avoid all those crap arty BBC type flourishes and get back to basics.......Tom Collins ( director )

To be honest, Tom, it was more of a reaction against the Beeb's Kurosawa documentary, which also played at last year's London Film Festival. A fine piece of work, it's true, but I was counting off the visual cliches one by one as they appeared. It was nice to see a film like yours with a more simple and direct approach: just what the Undertones deserve, of course.

Bulk Email Cd, London, England, 16/04/2002
60 Million Emails inc. 600,000 Uk 19.95

Bulk Email CD just 19.95 inc. p&p and contains:
60 Million World wide email addresses.
600,000 VALIDATED UK email addresses - Verified in March 2002, ensuring a low failure rate.

The World-wide emails have been split and compressed into many files for ease of use.
The UK lists comes in easily identifiable files.

The CD comes with simple instuctions and will be sent by first class post as soon as your money has been received.

TO PURCHASE: Please send a Cheque/PO Payable to "Teletech" for 19.95 to:

Teletech
Office 434
405 Kings Rd
London SW10 OBB

I'd like to emphasise that although these junk mail merchants have given a full postal address at the end of their message, that shouldn't be taken as a cue to anonymously post them lumps of your own shit in a cardboard box to see how they like it. Definitely not.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub in association with the Sheryl Crow Appreciation Society, My Computer, 24/04/2002
Yo Spank

1) 99 points; I think that speaks for itself!
2) Did you manage to get any further information for me on the Custard Pie Throwing Japanese Girls?
3) It could be 'Mike Snaps London' again; but then I'm not sure.

1) Oh, yes, them. Congratulations. It'll be a nice change for you to spend a season in the Premiership, won't it? (Just the one, mind.)
2) More details on my research trip to Japan will be appearing here very soon. But curiously, that video must have passed me by. As, indeed, did the previous four volumes.
3) I think we've lost count by now, haven't we?

Websense DB Update, somewhere in America, 02/05/2002
[This is in response to a letter I sent to web filtering company Websense on 01/05/2002, which went as follows: "Hello. I'm the webmaster of http://www.spank-the-monkey.co.uk, an arts and entertainment review website. It may sound rude from the URL, but it's actually comparatively tame stuff, given a racy title so as to lure the more gullible of the world's teenagers into reading articles about Akira Kurosawa and the Surrealist movement. I understand from some of my site's regular visitors that they can't get into the site these days. This is because their work internet access uses Websense filtering, and I have apparently been labelled as 'Category: Sex'. I think this is a little extreme, frankly. Is there any way I can appeal? Thanks in advance for your help." - Spank]

Spank,

Thank you for writing to Websense.

The site you submitted is being correctly filtered under Entertainment. This has been verified using database #01359.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

Thank you for your feedback,

The Websense Database Operations Staff

See, I'm confused now. I personally know a number of people who can't get into this site because of Websense, and they're being specifically told that they're blocked because of alleged sexual content. I think I need to take this further, so here's a request to you all out there: if you're currently being refused access from this site at work or whatever, send me details of what message you're getting, and I'll try to find out what's going on. And yes, I am aware of the potential futility of addressing an appeal to people who can't access the site, thank you.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 03/05/2002
Hmm Spank

I am very disturbed to see you and your kind infiltrating the very highest echelons of our national life. http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-10359758,00.html

I think it's rather cool meself. In case anyone's not clear on why a Hartlepool monkey would be called H'Angus, then check out the horrifying story of the Hartlepool Monkey Hangers.

Alan, webmaster of Kirsty Maccoll: Freeworld, 04/05/2002
Hello Spank TM,

Many thanks for linking to my Kirsty MacColl site from http://www.gleeson0.demon.co.uk/cheapsex.htm.

It has now moved from www.freeworld.demon.co.uk, it would be great if you could change the link to point to www.kirstymaccoll.com (no way will we forget her!)

Thanks a lot. I may have to return to your site later and spend ages sifting through it I suspect...

No probs, Alan. Consider it done.

C.D. Hursh, Cridersville, Ohio, USA, 10/05/2002
Apparently Websense has no humour sense.

You may have a point there, C.D. Mind you, I suspect those NRA links on your home page wouldn't go down well with Websense either.

john thomas askew, romford, 10/05/2002
very nice

Fair enough.

KingBoyD, Ireland, 16/05/2002
Hello Spank,

I just read your review of Ardal O'Hanlon's début The Talk Of The Town and heartily enjoyed it - it is, as you say, a much underexposed and surprisingly good novel. The dedication to his daughter was touching and telling [and truthful too, if that's not an English class too far]. I hope the book's mostly-muted reception hasn't discouraged O'Hanlon from writing more.

No word yet as to whether O'Hanlon's going to write another novel: but I'm hoping right there with you, Kinky.

The Cineaste, In front of my computer in Sarf London, 27/05/2002
Spank,

Brilliant! Like your idea of travel reviews, and obviously, in particular, your tales of your Japanese odyssey. Personally I'm not too keen on Nippon food, raw fish et al no substitute for alphabetti spaghetti on toast. And I'm pretty shocked you didn't enthuse at much greater length about the World Cup - you do like football don't you?

Anyway, just wondered if you fancy a short review of a few days I spent in Bognor a couple of weeks back?

NB - Are you stuck in a rut and looking for a new challenge? Create a second income in your spare time without risking your current career. Visit www.dreamsandriches.com

I saw us more as goodwill ambassadors, preparing the way for the arrival of the England fans. Good job too, given the advice the British Embassy in Tokyo is currently offering to the Japanese.

You can get away with the spam ad once because you're a mate. But no more.

s4uc3y_m0nk3y, California, 28/05/2002
I just came here cuz the site says "spank my monkey"

But you're the first person in four years to actually admit it. Congratulations!

Sushi Vaguer Fandub, The PC, 29/05/2002
I think it is a bit sad really. All this nonsense about Land of the Rising Monkey and J-Pop Jamboree is all a big smokescreen, because you thought the World Cup was actually taking place in April. Sven are you going to learn?

I refer the right honourable Fanclub to my answer to Mr Cineaste on 27/05/2002.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 30/05/2002
Oh my god this is really worrying; could you confirm you weren't hurt?

I hereby propose that 'bashing the Barbary' is accepted as a new slang term for masturbation.

Lovebox, unspecified location, 31/05/2002
TOTALLY CRAZY ABOUT YOU !!!

A person who knows you has asked us to send you this message.

The person is madly in love and crazy about you, and has said that:

- You are Charming
- You are Attractive
- You look Sweet
- You seem Intelligent
- You Excite

If u want to know who this person is, then you must call the following number now: 0909 965 xxxx

The call is totally anonymous for you.

All the best,
FLIRT LOVE-BOX

The call is charged 2.5 Pence/sec

Tackiest. Spam. Ever. (And made even less plausible by being sent to cheapsex@spank-the-monkey.co.uk, an email address I set up specifically for a competition some eighteen months ago.)