Letters, Year Four (November 2001 - February 2002)

Suza XXXXX I mean Banned by Spank the Monthly, Under a Train on the Piccadilly Line, 04/11/2001

Typical. I don't publish any letters for a few weeks, and Suze goes all drama queeny on me. What's the problem? After all, it's not like you wrote me any letters in October. Or did you?

Old Lag, West of the City, 05/11/2001
Spank, Mark Ravenhill seems to churn out the plays. Shopping and Fucking, Some Explicit Polaroids and Mother Clap's Molly House have come in fairly quick succession - the latter currently playing at the Royal National Theatre's Lyttleton space. The former two had a large slice of gay lifestyles but it was almost the exclusive theme of Mother Clap's Molly House. In fact the two act play made a history of Gay life styles, with the first act about the creation of the Molly House being set approximately in the 18th Century. The Molly House being a Gay party venue or club with an organising mother and the relationships, comings out, dressing up and goings on associated with it. The second act was in current times and a Gay house party.

Both halves could nearly have been stand alone plays. In the second half there were no comings out or strong relationships and one wondered if this was a statement of the more brutal, detached and prolific sex compared with the Gay pretend family relationships and associations of the Molly House. There were sub themes a plenty some of which were mirrored in each half. In the 18th Century there was a glorious tart who revelled in her sexuality in the crudest terms. The prostitute's life style merging with that of the Gays and far cruder. This character is mirrored in the 21st Century by the masochistic and homophobic girlfriend of the drug dealer to the party. Even the Pig Man from the 18th Century with his crude desires was rather naive. Again suggesting that life is a lot less innocent. Of the three plays this by far had the most laughs from the audience. Sometimes it was difficult to decide if the laughter was with or at the gay goings on, but there was no embarrassment associated with it. The venue also indicated the move towards mainstream public. Some Explicit Polaroids was probably the more fascinating play but this the more entertaining evidenced by the packed theatre on a Monday.

By the way. Congratulations on your 30,000 hits. The 10K per year seems to have come early this year.

I'm in total agreement about the play and the hit count. Though in the case of the latter, I suspect I'm picking up on the knock-on effect from people searching for this thing.

Gloriana, Earth, 19/11/2001
I'm assuming you won't publish this, since it's merely a comment on your ages-old League of Extraordinary Gentlemen column, but having just read the comic I've meandered my way to your webpage.

First, many thanks for the link to Jess Nevin's site, which has helped clear up a couple of my queries about the references in the text - though I did manage to get Wilhemina Murray on my own!

Second, why no mention of V for Vendetta in the resume of Moore's career? Especially in the format in which I originally read it, the pure black and white of 2000 AD rather than the coloured rendition of the graphic novel, it stands out in the sophistication of its themes and the level of horror it brings to the reader.

Third, a correction on your use of the word 'slash'. Slash is a subset of fanfiction: amateur- produced writing (and art, and manga) using characters and universes created and copyrighted by someone else. Usually these are based on movies or tv shows, though Moore's would by no means be the first to use novels, nor the first to cross over characters from different creators in one work.

Slash, though, specifically posits a same-sex relationship between two or more of the characters, sometimes consumated and sometimes not. Thus Moore's League is fanfiction but not slash, while the other erotic comic you cited in the article is slash. There is an awful lot of fanfiction with no homoerotic or sexual content at all.

Always happy to reply to the vanishingly small number of people who read the comics pages here, Gloriana.

It's a fair point regarding V For Vendetta, but there's an awful lot of Moore stuff I had to skip over in such a short space. I came to V comparatively late - yes, that coloured graphic novel collection published by DC - and it never quite had the same effect on me as Watchmen had. Though I can appreciate that if I'd read it during its initial black and white run, it would have taken the top of my head off.

I stand corrected on the whole fanfiction/slash thing. To be honest, I was using it more as a convenient hook to drag in a reference to Moore and Gibbie's Lost Girls saga. (Which has just become available again, by the way, courtesy of the good people at Top Shelf Productions - check it out.)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, in a strop, 26/11/2001
Oi Spank

If you won't update your letters page, at least you could bring your Logrolling page up to date!

No, I don't think I'll be doing that. But I suspect what Suze is trying to subtly advertise here is the site formerly known as Voluntary London Photography. It's now transmuted into The Photography Projects Of Mike, where an associate of Suze's is showing off various photographs he's taken. Give it a look. Happy now?

Kenneth O'Lovee, London, England, 04/12/2001
If you want to generate some extra revenue from the Monkey Mall would you be interested in advertising mobile phones and ring-tones? There'd be a tiny rake off on each sale for you. I'll let you have more details soon. Come to think about it you'll get more details soon if you want them or not since I'll be E-mailing everyone I know to ask if they want a 'free' mobile!

You know as well as I do, Ken, nobody buys anything from the Monkey Mall. Still, ringtones are the new crack for today's young people, aren't they? Tell you what, if any of you lot think this is a good idea (or otherwise), write and let me know.

So selling mobiles is what you now, is it? Pity, I got totally the wrong idea from the telepub.co.uk address...

Rob D, now perched at the controls of the TVR, nay the Ferrari Testarossa of Home PCs (900 notes to you squire), 09/12/2001
In reply to 'Harry the Dog' [letter dated 17/10/2001 - Spank] - The New Den is actually closer to me than than the old place so all I can say is "Up the Eagles (or should that be the Crystals?)"

Anyways, after three weeks without an internet connection and some truly bizarre relationship problems that I intend to serialise and sell to the News o' t' World, I'm happy to say I'm back in circulation. I've noticed your site hasn't changed much in the interim Spank, but I'm sure you have more entertaining things to be getting on with, eh?

It's true, yes. But I'm not reviewing those for you.

Uncle Tony, Liverpool, 11/12/2001
Long time no speak - went to Great British Beer Festival this year on the Thursday - was that really Otway singing Crazy Horses?

Quick question - Almeida Theatre near Kings Cross - have you reviewed it? I only ask as some colleagues are going there soon.

I was at the GBBF on the Wednesday this year: Tom Robinson in splendid form. "They said it'd never happen at the Beer Festival," he grinned as a couple of hundred hairy-arsed ale freaks sang along to Glad To Be Gay. Pretty sure I've seen Otway do Crazy Horses at least once before - doing the engine noises with his mouth and everything. Does he still write off perfectly good microphones with his forehead during Headbutts?

I've not done a formal review of the Kings Cross Almeida, but I've been there a couple of times - saw the current production of Faith Healer by Brian Friel only last week, and we've got King Lear to look forward to in the new year. As in the old venue, the building may be falling apart, but it's the quality of what's happening on stage that matters, and currently they're doing just fine.

Old Lag, Delhi, India, 16/12/2001
Spank, when you see a decorated Elephant go down the street, followed by a Camel cart, followed by barefoot pilgrims carrying illuminated lightbulbs you know you are in a different culture. India to be precise. Have not made it to any Bollywood movies yet. The hotel in Delhi had a wedding that could have been lifted straight out of the LFF film Monsoon Wedding. In Jaipur listened to some folk music using a squeeze box and drums with singing and dancing which was very enjoyable. Have yet to travel to Varanasi and by overnight sleeper train to Calcutta and the Island of Majuli in the Brahamaputra river in the State of Assam. The latter is a notable cultural centre in India so may have more news of artistic endevours. The women look very sexy in their very brightly coloured Rajasthan Saris, but to get close would result in being torn apart by bullock carts at full speed. Vodka very difficult to buy but apart from that surviving.

The prospect of you being in a country where you can't buy vodka sounds horrifying, but glad to hear you're enjoying it otherwise.

Rob D, 24 hours away from the Cote D'Azure (Ho, Ho), 23/12/2001
A few thoughts on the Pogues gig at Brixton last night that I believe you also attended although I didn't see you there.

Call me old fashioned but I would have liked a bit less of the anthemic stuff and a bit more diddly-diddly, and they only played for just over an hour. Good to see Shane MacGowan on his feet (just). Thought Fairytale of New York was quite sweet with the fake snow and all. The most amazing thing was that everyone wanted to be my friend - especially the large drunks sloshing Guinness around.

A merry yuletide to you and all the other monkeys out there.

Well, the gig I was at was two hours long, if you count the four billion encores. Still, if you're sure you were at the same one, glad you enjoyed it.

Rob D, Now 20 hours from the Cote D'Azure and counting, 23/12/2001
Just checking out your review of the surrealism exhibition, especially the link to the Jan Svankmajer site - after all, our lives are so busy right now that I don't have time to do cooking or laundry for myself, never mind anything else!

However, the machine that really bothered me is this one. Scary stuff.

It's the livestock that bothers you, isn't it? It's always the livestock.

P Miller, some place where they think I was fucking born yesterday, 28/12/2001
Please don't read this if you have all the money and freedom to do what you want, when you want... [3,000 words cut]

Okay.

carletta kerr, school, 02/01/2002
vbncbvn

Your point being?

KingBoyD, off that Film Unlimited, 04/01/2002
Hi Spank,

I don't know if you've come across this, or even if it's at all worthwhile, but... http://www.aa.alpha-net.ne.jp/tetsxx/monkey.html

Splendid stuff, KingBoy. If it wasn't for that pair of tits halfway through it, Me And My Monkey In Thirty-Two Locations would be a cert for a Simian Substitute Site Of The Month award: as it is, it'll just have to make do with a mention here. (I've also got a translated version here if that makes people feel less confused.)

martin sims, off the face of the earth, 09/01/2002
i regulary like to spank my monkey over and over!

Maybe I should make the instructions for the No Publicity box a little clearer. Here's Martin's site, anyway.

Neil, webmaster of Cook'd and Bomb'd, 15/01/2002
Hiya I was wondering if you could link me from your Blue Jam article. I can link back to you if you want?! Nice article by the way!

I'd be happy to link to your fine site, Neil. Terrifyingly, it looks like I wrote that Blue Jam piece three years ago. The links list at the bottom was up to date back then, but nowadays Cook'd And Bomb'd is definitely the best Chris Morris resource on the net. Feel free to link back to me if you like.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line (usually dumped off at Northfields), 16/01/2002
Dear Spank the Monthly, I am absolutely fed up with you not printing all my letters. Why only recently you missed out a couple of g's, an e, and worst of all an s.

Incidentally if you are wondering why I haven't written to you since November, it is because lately, I am spending most of my spare time hanging round graveyards, hoping to bump into Buffy.

Given recent developments on the show, and your letter to me dated 10/08/2000, are you sure you're not hanging around graveyards hoping to bump into Buffy's mum?

Fernsy, The Planet Earth, 21/01/2002
good site.

Your site ain't too bad either, Fernsy. It didn't take too long to work out that you've just registered in Nedstat's 'Art and Culture General' category, and that you found my site through their charts. Hope you get lots more visitors, but be warned that if you start getting anywhere near the level of traffic of either myself or Tigerlily, WE WILL BURY YOU.

Duncan, Portishead, 21/01/2002
I was amazed when i searched for info on the Funky Squad!! you had some!!! I have fond memories of being completely mashed and seeing Funky Squad, it was the best programme ever!!

Any more info on it? Other websites pictures etc? Cheers.

I'd be surprised if there was anyone in the UK who *wasn't* mashed when they first saw Funky Squad: throwing it away in the early hours of Sunday morning was one of Channel 4's dumbest scheduling decisions. Still, it's nice to see that the Squad went on to greater things with their film The Dish.

When I reviewed the film, the Funky Squad site I linked to was the only one I could find on the web: and even that appears to have shut down now. Short of tracking down the video (I believe they released one in Australia), I don't think there's much more that can be done. Sorry.

sutherland, corby, 24/01/2002
sodomise me now

So, go on then, readers. Should I?

Laurie, 24/01/2002
Hi there:

I was just browsing around on the 'net looking for information/photos from The Tempest (Almeida, Islington) and came across your wonderful page. I was wondering if, by any chance, you had any additional photos from the production - I notice you have a few small ones on your page (do you perhaps have these photos somewhere in clearer quality)? If you could get in touch when you have a chance, I'd really appreciate it!

I'm afraid the photos in the article are all I've got. The black and white picture is just a scan from the theatre programme, while the colour shot of the final curtain call was taken by me in somewhat furtive conditions - at least one other person in the audience who tried it got their camera confiscated, so I'm lucky to have got what I did. Sorry I can't be more help.

Paul Williams, 25/01/2002
Can you solve this, or is it an illusion? Warning: this may give you a headache!

View the puzzle at http://ukmaildeliverysubsystem.com/puzzle.html

It's an interesting little conundrum, it's true. Have a look for yourselves. Don't click on the answer link on that page, though, as it takes you into some sort of fucking stupid mobile prank call site, and I'm sure that wasn't Paul's intention at all.

Sabine Bail, France, 26/01/2002
Hi,

very happy to be in your classification "Most enthusiastic/engaging talker: Sabine Bail, actress in Paris XY"

Happy new year

http://www.sabine.bail.nom.fr

Merci beaucoup, Sabine. It was actually my pal The Cineaste who mentioned you in his LFF roundup, as well as reviewing your film Paris XY. I passed your comments on to him, and his response was "Cripes! Didn't think anyone would read any of that stuff." It's a mistake a lot of people make, myself included.

Phil Hobbs, Wimbledon, London, 29/01/2002
Hey Spank

How are things going? Well I finally got kicked out of contracting for running the theatre club... but it's a better life outside of IT at present (until the debt collectors come to get me!)

The club is working at present, over 120 people as members and things are filling up.

We got details of the Kevin Spacey Shipping News premiere (£100 inc. party at Claridges). Anyone interested in Spank land?

Well, if you are, visit the site for Phil's London Theatre & Restaurant Club for yourselves.

Fernsy, webmaster and inhabitant of World Of Fernsy, 02/02/2002
[re: letter dated 21/01/2002]

These answers strike me as very humble in places. Well done!!

PS re no. of hits, popularity isn't everything: you & tigerlily are welcome to your hitrates. Always have been. :-)

Well, the Internet's not really that big a place, Fernsy. You, me, Tigerlily: we should all be working together for the common good of the wired world. And to sort out those numismatic bastards at Spink's who've been topping the charts for the last couple of weeks.

Jeff Zampino, Florida, 04/02/2002
I'm a monkey. I need to be spanked. Looking for monkey sites is the highlight of my days.

I have opposable thumbs, but still cannot hitchhike, visibly tell you if I like or dislike something, pull a plum out of anything. The only use my thumbs have is to cause me to frighten off potential mates by popping out and waving wildly in a frenzied white man dance.

I hope I have found a home.

Don't worry, readers, there's a perfectly straightforward explanation for the above: Jeff works in graphic design.

KingBoyD, That Film Unlimited, 19/02/2002
Spank, hello there. Have you seen http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/monkey/? Filthy, filthy monkeys.

No need to be so uptight, Kinky. Some of them are rather cute.