Letters, Year Three (November 2000 - February 2001)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 02/11/2000
Today I became one of the last few people in the Western World to see American Beauty for the first time. My initial impression however was at two and a half minutes, it just wasn't long enough. It turns out though that the Prince Charles in Leicester Square is the only cinema that will run a trailer for a film, immediately prior to screening it!

P.S. No I will not redraft my Angel letter (no doubt to make it more palatable). Print the original, you Staszi bastard.

Suze is complaining I've censored a recent mail of his. What do you take me for, Channel 4 on a Friday evening or something? I genuinely haven't received your comments on Angel, so please feel free to send them again, however libellous.

Jen Allen, Webmistress, Babes With Blades, 04/11/2000
Hi! Babes With Blades has moved to http://www.babeswithblades.org. Please update your links. Thanks!

I saw these girls fighting in Edinburgh in 1998. I'm not going to argue with them. Link updated as requested, mistress.

Barquing, the place where monkeys sell their souls for cash, 07/11/2000
So Tits-Out Teenage Terror Totty is on sale at WHSmith? Who'd have thought it?

Meanwhile, Amazon.com haven't got the faintest bloody idea what the book is. You must be so proud.

Ben2222, Victoria Line, 08/11/2000
I went to Tate Modern this weekend so thought I'd have a look at your review - seems like you hit the nail on the head as usual. The only thing missing was a review of the most important bit of any tourist attraction - the shop. For the record it is excellent, especially the mug section which has a wide variety of Tate Modern branded mugs.

It must have slipped my mind at the time, Ben: which is surprising, given that I can currently be seen swanning around the London Film Festival permanently attached to a Tate Modern rucksack/shoulder bag combo. Glad you enjoyed it, anyway.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 09/11/2000
Okay stop me if you've heard this one before. Anyway Doyle is boasting about his highly developed computer skills, (no let me finish), and Cordelia says, "Yes it's amazing what you can pick up, downloading pictures of naked women". Ha, ha ha ha.

On the other hand, perhaps none of you read my previous letter about Buffy spin off Angel; because Spank threw it out with his junk mail. So to bring you all up to speed, whilst still awaiting the results from Florida, the Suzanne Vega Fanclub are calling this series a victory for Gore. (Joke adapted from an original idea from Spank's LFF diary.) So now we are on the subject, I thought a little biog of the main characters might be in order.

So let's start with none other than Angel himself; or Moody Boy, as Cordelia refers to him. Well this guy is developing a real identity crisis. I mean this was once your original Badass vampire (a mate of Drusilla and Spike no less), now he is a dumbshoe private detective; helping the hopeless - whatever. But it gets worse. Having made a connection with attractive police detective Kate (a real woman), he goes all gooey when the skinny, slaying, showboating show-off turns up for a recent episode. Well I know which neck I would sooner be biting! Perhaps the problem is all that daylight he has been getting exposed to lately.

So forget him, and let's talk about Cordelia. Now to tell the truth, I was a little bit down on her at Sunnydale High; mainly because she wasn't always nice to Willow. However, she has really blossomed in the big city, working in that dead-end secretarial position for Angel. Yes she is still sassy, but without the unnecessary spite. Not only that, but she seems to have adopted a far more mature attitude to dealing with Demons; which wasn't always the case at Sunnydale. (Plus she looks great in jeans and a sweatshirt).

But talking of Demons brings us nicely onto Doyle. Well, excuse me, but the last time I looked at TV, he was married to someone called Becky Connor. Now it turns out he is half man, half demon; well I guess prolonged exposure to Roseanne (Arnold) Connor will do that to you. Unfortunately he has obviously been proved to be viewer unfriendly (what do they expect from a demon) by the focus groups of the TV networks. So after half a dozen episodes, he has been killed off, just when it looked like he was about to get off, with Cordelia. Mind you, she would probably have eaten him alive anyway.

But it appears he has now been replaced by another Buffy spin off - Wesley. A void inside a riddle of empty nothingness. A poor man's (make that destitute man's) Giles. This leading me to believe that the biggest threat to Angel (the series, not the character) is this empty, personality free, non person. Scary huh.

P.S. Hope I haven't gone over my 1200 character limit; I counted twelve.

Well, I suppose I asked for that one. (See letter dated 02/11/2000.)

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 15/11/2000
Mayday, mayday, come in Spank. I have been trying to pull up the site for a few days and it takes forever then before it's done it says host disconnect or some such nonsense. Has anyone had a similiar problem? I know I have memory loss(!) but I have still been able to pull up everything else. Miss your reviews, please send help soon.

This may well be down to problems Demon Internet have been having over the last day or two: they've been reporting routeing issues between the US and the UK, which could explain the trouble you're having. Hopefully it should all be fixed by now. If you're ever curious about the status of Demon's network, they do a summary report (simple traffic lights telling you what's up or down) and a more detailed message of the day, which may give you hints if you have problems getting in.

Are any of our other US readers unable to access this site? (No, hang on, that won't work...)

Andrew, 204 bite my ass, 29/11/2000
You guys suck

I've always been disappointed with the somewhat feeble quality of my hate mail. Never mind, can't be helped.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 02/12/2000
"I just like a little Spankey" -- (or words to that effect). No, not a hymn of praise for this site, but actual lyrics of one of Madonna's hits, back in the eighties (or thereabouts). Think Dick Tracy period and you are getting there.

So where am I going with this ? Well by sheer luck (bad or otherwise), I caught Madonna's live Brixton webcast this week at http://www.msn.co.uk/homepage (it might still be on there).

After logging on at 8.30pm, one had to suffer nearly an hour and a half of celebrity interviews; always with the promise that Madonna would be on shortly. These consisted of a dimbo hostess, perched on a sofa, asking the likes of Sting, Mel C and Richard E Grant ad nauseam, 'what Madonna meant to their lives'? Juxtaposed with this on the dance floor was drop dead sexy, but gnat brained All Saint, Natalie Appleton. Her interview technique ranged from "So (insert name of celeb) why are you here" to sticking her tongue out and pulling faces.

Every now and then there would be a bit of music. First on was a girl from Texas with a Scottish accent, which I missed most of. Then came Richard Ashcroft, who apparently takes drugs that don't work; quite good nonethless; plus of course, the occasional Madonna video. Finally at 10pm on came Madonna, following which my connection immediately crashed. I finally got back on at 10.08pm and settled down to enjoy the show; well bugger me, at 10.30pm it was all over.

So was it worth it? Well she did a couple of hits from the new album, and the blast from the past was Holiday. But the picture lived down to the usual internet streaming standards: as for the sound, well that was so poor my PC's woofer nearly croaked.

Still at least I was there, know whadda mean!

With luck they'll have the technology sorted out in time for the webcast of Madge's wedding. I'll await your report on that one with interest, Suze.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 23/12/2000
Just to add to Spank's Hidden Agenda, all of us at the Suzanne Vega Fanclub are shocked and stunned at the untimely passing of Kirsty MacColl.

Those of you not that familiar with her work may like to check out her Hits album Galore; hard to believe so many great tracks can be on one album.

Yet even though it's Christmas, I haven't got the heart to play Fairytale of New York.

Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last... Know exactly what you mean, Suze. She'll be sorely missed around these parts, but you may like to look out for more Kirsty on these pages in the very near future.

Incidentally, congratulations to Suze on being the first person to admit in print that they know about the Hidden Agendas bit. Anyone else? (If you have to ask, you'll never know...)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub again, Piccadilly Line again, 23/12/2000 (later the same day)
Just to correct your distorted perception of reality Spank, re: Vidbinge 2000 and The End of the Affair, I was distressed, disturbed and disgusted only at the sight of Ralph Fiennes with his kit off.

As for Julianne Moore, I was merely disappointed when she did the Birthday Suit thing. Try Altman's Short Cuts; far superior in this regard.

P.S. What is this bullshit about The End of the Affair having a plot?

Guess you'll never know, will you, Suze? Although I should point out that on the day I posted up that picture of Ralph's sweaty arse (22/12/2000), the site received 64 visits, my best hit rate since I started measuring. No accounting for taste, is there?

Seriously, try watching it again past that scene. It gets better. Really.

Uncle Tony, wandering around pubs with a Palm V, 29/12/2000
Thanks for the mention (a while ago now, but you know what it's like!).

One minor point, your letters page is so large now that my Palm won't download it all any more. Any chance of breaking it up for those poor people who have to dial in sometimes?

Keep up the continuingly high standards in 2001!

Fair point, Uncle Tony. I tend to break up the letters into archivable chunks every six months or so, but with my current mailbag that still makes the pages a whopping sixty kilobytes or so. They're due for an overhaul in the New Year, so I'll see what I can do then. All the best to you for 2001, too.

Lou, in the study, 03/01/2001
After a technologically challenged 3 month absence from your website (mainly caused by William Tell Wannabees trying to shoot UK citizens) it's great to be back on your site. After all the webpages I've been on over the past few years, Spank and his pals are head and shoulders above the rest. Love the LFF review and will be commenting in more depth on Cheap Sex & Sad Films. I realise that just saying I enjoyed the prison rape number may well get me talked about or at least reviewed.

Keep up the damn good work.

Regular readers know that Lou is the main reason why the Pick Of The Year compilation CDs happen, hence his being able to comment on the latest one before you've had chance to read the review. This is such a nice letter that I've resisted the temptation to quote the phrase 'I enjoyed the prison rape - Lou' out of context on the front page.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 12/01/2001
[This one requires a bit of explanation up front, I'm afraid. Melanie C has recently released a single entitled If That Were Me, in which she meditates on the plight of the homeless, as you do. It's best known for a stunningly crass couplet that contrasts the lifestyles of Sporty Spice and Joe Dosser: 'I couldn't live without my phone / But you don't even have a home'. Time Out magazine recently ran a competition to see if their readers could come up with alternative lyrics of comparable idiocy. Now read on... - Spank]

Rather than waste my 'Mel C' lyrics on Time Out's letters page, just like the rest of the plebs, I'm sending them to you Spank. (Talk about a vote of confidence.)

My big house is my heart's desire,
your cardboard box was set on fire.

My house is full of things I've bought,
you ain't got much out of income support.

I'm losing weight cos I wanna get thinner,
you're losing weight cos you ain't had no dinner.

I kick box, so people call me Sporty,
you have to fight cos people call you shorty.

I meet people like Nelson Mandela,
your best friend is a shop door dweller.

Pretty impressive, Suze. I still think that the best entry to the Time Out compy came from Mary-Anne Harrington:

People used to call me Sporty,
you are drug-fucked, cold and warty.

Athos Vigar, City College, Norwich, 16/01/2001
Hello, I am studying the Tate Modern and its role within the Southwark borough community for my dissertation. I would greatly appreciate any relevant stuff you think might be useful (it all is) thankyou. If I can return the favour in anyway please ask, thankyou once again.

Thanks for writing, Athos. To be honest, there's not much more I can add to the piece I wrote about Tate Modern on my website: I'm just someone who visited there and wrote about what I saw. The links section at the end of the piece is the closest thing to research I did. I'd imagine the Tate people themselves may be your best source of information in the end.

Hope the dissertation goes well.

Uncle Tony, somewhere in the dark underbelly of the Internet, 23/01/2001
Congrats on another eclectic mix of fine pop tunes (competition entry already sent).

On the Eminem points you raise, it is easy for me as a casual consumer to realise that Eminem has made a great impact on the charts and therefore worthy of consideration for your esteemed album. Furthermore, as anyone who drove around late December and heard Chris Moyles' Stanta which merely served to illustrate how powerful Stan actually is, you can't deny the music.

The problem I perceive the Spankster as having is knowing too much about the artist - if you had to judge a set of 70 year old watercolours by an Austrian artist of limited talent, would knowing that he was Hitler stop you appreciating them as works of art?

I had an experience last year at a Boston Red Sox game where, in true American tradition, they play loud music during the (many) pauses in the game, for example snatches of Queen (in the style of Gladiator). Imagine the mix of emotions upon hearing some Gary Glitter bellow out - all I could think of was how wrong it seemed to hear the music of a convicted pervert.

Not an easy issue.

Anyway, best wishes for 2001.

Not an easy issue, it's true, but I don't think your theory applies here: it isn't just a case of judging the artist rather than the art. After all, Eminem is making records about torturing and murdering women, whereas Gary Glitter never actually released a single entitled I'm The Leader Of A Pan-European Paedophile Ring, I Am. It doesn't make one more acceptable than the other, but it doesn't work the other way either.

ton eus agev, norge, 26/01/2001
hello to you here and all friends
my site too run as red bottoms sore and men too
mail in first time toneus@hotmail.com
no beasty for over knees and firm hand also
for friends
ton eus

I never knew BT Internet operated from as far off as Norway. 'ton eus agev' my arse.

Old Lag, Sinking Vodkas, 29/01/2001
Spank, a belated congratulations on achieving 20,000 spanks roughly around New Year's Eve. They can't all be visiting in response to search engine requests for sex with dogs.

By the way, to establish copyright for a printed book you used to have to send a copy to several relevant national libraries. How do you copyright an Internet site?

(c) Old Lag 2001

Never been that sure about how the copyright thing works on the net (Datta? Anyone?), hence the whole 'sex with dogs' disclaimer on the front page. Mind you, that cuts both ways. I found out recently that my piece on The Divine Comedy has been stolen twice: once (with my subsequent blessing) by the fan club page Indulgence, and once (without my subsequent blessing) by the official page of the Portuguese Festival de Parades de Coura (translation available from here). But what ya gonna do?

Datta, N51:31:12 W0:05:47, 02/02/2001
[re: reply to Old Lag's letter of 29/01/2001]

Hey Spank - two consecutive name checks! Fame at last, etc. Copyright's a complicated bugger, expecially on the internet, and I don't want to play fast and loose with my Moderately Responsible Job in the Legal Services Industry - so maybe we should talk about this over a Then Beer?

Datta's referring to a fine old tradition of Film Unlimited, or Guardian Unlimited Film as they recently rebranded themselves: when we all meet up in real life, the agenda's generally along the lines of "see four Abbas Kiarostami films back to back, Then Beer". In fact, we had one of these a couple of days after I received this letter: unfortunately, whatever Datta and I discussed that night is lost in some sort of slagheap of murdered brain cells. Internet copyright law continues to remain a complete and total mystery.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 03/02/2001
[re: letter dated 26/01/2001]

It may interest you to know that your previous correspondent, 'ton eus agev', actually applied to the Suzanne Vega Fanclub for membership earlier in the year.

What we did is what we always do when dealing with foreign membership applications; namely refer the paperwork to Norway's cultural attaché to London. (Incidentally if you are reading this, Mr Cultural Attaché, could you stop showing preference to the Norwegians, and start dealing with the forms for all the Frogs, Spicks and Krauts we have sent you.)

Anyway I am getting off the point. That point being, namely the point I am trying to make, is that the point is, the Norwegian Cultural Attaché made a point of saying: "Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me, Maggie Thatcher, Maggie Thatcher, Winston Churchill, Benjamin Disraeli - your boys took one hell of a beating."

Which I think about says it all.

I will, of course, have to explain that one for our foreign readers...

J.R. Salzman, Rochester, Minnesota, USA, 11/02/2001
[re: Logrolling]

Hi.... Just curious if you are actually a fan of logrolling...Thought I would ask since you have pics of me on your site, and a link to one of my sites. By the way, I'm the logroller on the right in your pic.

No real interest in logrolling, I'm afraid, J.R.: I was just looking for a picture for metaphorical purposes, and found your rather good site on the subject. I doubt if you could get away with that sort of thing on the River Thames, anyway. Still, nice homepage: and I'm not just saying that because you gave me a namecheck there.

siarl, North Wales, 13/02/2001
yopur crap

Tsk. I can't even get hate mail from literate idiots any more.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 20/02/2001
Hi Spank, I am back from Lost Vegas and LA LA Land and am presently too exhausted to tell the tale, but I wanted to check in. I haven't seen anything new on the site. Are you extremely busy? Miss your monkey face.

Bless. It's true, I have been fairly busy recently. The moderately responsible job in the computer industry is taking me out to Bristol a few times a month. It's one of my favourite cities in England (thanks to Venue Magazine and places like the Cube and the Watershed), but the travelling's a bitch. Still, I've discovered the joys of writing this stuff during the train journeys there and back, with the aid of a sexy new laptop that the crazed fools have given me to play with. (Well, I either do that, or I piss off the people around me by playing DVDs on it.)

LA and Vegas! Golly. What exciting location will you visit next?