Letters, Year Two (January - June 2000)

Old Lag, Blazing Into The Millennium!, 02/01/2000
2000 greetings to all our readers from a very dazed Old Lag! The atmosphere on the No. 77 bus from Wandsworth to Vauxhall was nothing less than euphoric. The privet hedge in the flower boxes around the MI6 building at Vauxhall Bridge made a very cushy armchair from which to view Big Ben, the Millennium Wheel, the West End and the Millennium Firework Barges.

The excited, sharing atmosphere among strangers is something rarely sampled and it is no surprise that 2 million raved up and got out with no severe damage. Old Lag traded vodka and champers for roll ups, kisses and mobile usage under the rapidly woggling video cameras of MI6. The crying 2 year old could well have done with some of the Smirnoff!

It was not until afterwards that everyone said 'Where Was The Wall Of Fire?' In fact this much hyped feature was not apparent unless perhaps you had an aerial view of the 19 firework barges between Tower Bridge and Vauxhall, light up in sequence. It was funny that the Project Managers for this display were Australian and I wondered if it was their wireless firing technology that got them this complex show. In which case its most hyped application just did not have the sold impact. On the barges watched there was only one apparent firing failure, some weedy shells slipping out at the end. Umbrellering the contribution of the best of 8 firework companies, only one had a long UK pedigree, Pains Ltd, leaving one to wonder how much was imported.

The rest of the show however was mind boggling and drenched the senses. It was purely aerial, unlike Australia and Paris that had 'set pieces', such as the illumination of the Eiffel Tower. It was a good fusion of western aerial shells and eastern crysthemnum shells. Noteworthy of the latter were a blue circle filled with a red 5 pointed star and a purple star spiral, which Old Lag did not know were possible, likewise the use of some very brilliant pink star burst shells, a novel colour, not properly seen before. It was difficult to tell in this orgy of fire when you were seeing repeaters, i.e. one shell having several bursts at different heights: but there were some very big shells, particularly the silver glitters that totally filled the vision for the finale. A lot of the star shells burst at low level, which made up for the lack of exotic roman candles blowing up immediately above the barges. Considering most people were crammed at this level of the show along the Thames, the designers failed to fully exploit this despite knowing it. Thinking that it would be a huge integrated show, in fact the display was a duplicate on the two barges in sight, and I guess the rest. Dictated no doubt by the curvy Thames, unlike Rio or Sydney Harbour which provide huge natural amphitheatres. Just mind blowing all the same, and it will be a long time before anyone sees 50 tons of fireworks let off in the UK. There must be another excuse because it was so visually shattering, with all around screaming with excitement. It would have been interesting to see what the Rev Ronald Lancaster of Kimbolton Fireworks would have made of it. It was a very strange experience getting home and a curious experience seeing the solid burghers of Wandsworth yomping the streets at 3am, with prams. Woke up dazed and confused at 5pm, after a very long 31st.

Speaking as someone who decided to stay in for the night with some Red Stripe and the telly, I can tell you that the River Of Fire wasn't much better seen from above. First of all they couldn't get a camera up high enough to take in a large chunk of the river, and secondly they'd completely oversold what it was going to look like, as you can see from the embarrassed excuses on display here.

Anyway, glad to hear that expert pyromaniacs such as yourself still enjoyed the show, and at least when you saw it you didn't have to listen to bleedin' Gaby Roslin yakking all the way through it. Apparently she was the BBC's second choice to host their millennium show after the late Jill Dando. They shot the wrong one through the head, if you ask me.

Old Lag, Wearing Spank Proof Gentlemen's Underwear!, 08/01/2000
Dear Reader, you may be pleased to note that I have found the Internet address of the Internet Gentlemen's Underpant Sales Magnate, mentioned in a previous letter. Spank is always up for a plug if it is in a good cause. In this case, an ex-underling of Old Lag, who had great initiative then and appears to still have it. The kit looks very effective and is by such famous designers as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfinger. Have not had time to road test any of the product, nor get any female opinion. This is a moot point as it was women who were behind the great, late eighties boxer short boom, by buying them as presents at every opportunity. If any of our female readers would like to review the product on the web site and let us know, it would be very pleasing. My personal thinking at the moment is that you have to have a very flat stomach, and that they would be quite tricky to get out of in a hurry! All the best Alex: http://www.so-pants.com.

Anybody up for a pants review section?

DJ Sensible, London, England, 12/01/2000
As anyone who has visited The Guardian's Film Unlimited site will realise, I have nothing to say.

But he's always quite funny when he says it. Aside from his contributions to the cinematic babble that is Film Unlimited's Talking Film bulletin board, Deej is also one of the team responsible for International Cricket Captain II: World Cup cricket revamped for the post-getting-up-off-your-arse-and-actually-playing-it generation.

Katie Martin, Chicago, USA, 12/01/2000
I love the simpsons,but marge sucks

Ivona Humplot, on the toilet, USA, 12/01/2000
I'm horny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annie Taylor, New York, USA, 12/01/2000
I want HOMER!!!!!!UH UH UH !!!

These would have been so much more convincing if they hadn't all been sent from the same Internet terminal in the space of five minutes. Cute website, though.

Phil Mackrcakin, Bahamahas, 14/01/2000
Bart is really cool!! I like Lisa because she plays saxaphone. I wanted to play saxaphone, but I decided to play trumpet. Oh, and I'm actually at the ocean.

And waiting 48 hours before you send the next batch doesn't work either. Still, the name would have been funny if you'd spelt it right.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 15/01/2000
Ola Senor. Do not tell me that S-T-M International Man of Mystery spent New Year's Eve at home!

Just got back from NYC where I kept to my normal hectic schedule, trade shows during the day, theater at night. Saw Dame Edna. She made mincemeat out of several audience members then kissed and made up w/ polaroids and presents. My jaw hurt from laughing. Hung out at the stage door to get autograph on 1976 copy of Dame Edna's Coffee Table Book. I think he was surprised someone owned it. (Bought for 99p in charity shop.)

Matt McGrath gave a great performance in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. A singer with a lot of raw power. The music was the best part of the show. We thought the story line was not cohesive and left confused as to what the writer was trying to say. Then went to Hell (nightclub in meat packing district).

Leaving for Los Angeles on 1/21. In between doing my job I hope to visit some or all of these places depending on the traffic! You've got Bad Taste - Exene Cervenkova's vintage store, the vintage car rally at Bob's Big Boy, lingerie museum at Frederick's of Hollywood, Watts Towers, tar pits and Venice Beach. (You guys are into hanging out w/ underwear kingpins right?) But actually what I want to see most is Tijuana. A border town featuring open sewers, wrestlers, scam artists, tequila drinking teens and cheap religious kitsch. I wanted to see a wrestling match (very in right now) but the odds are good I would get mugged. Muy dangeroso. What I will do to stay current/ get a bargain! Say a prayer.

Thanks for the gossip from Broadway, as ever. Good to hear Dame Edna's still on form. Last time she played London must have been close on ten years ago: her colleague Sir Les Patterson did a short West End run in the interim, but it's not the same, is it? Hopefully once she's devoured NY we'll be next on her list.

The LA itinerary sounds great, if a little daunting. I was there last year, but attempted to do it without a car, which is the equivalent of trying toclimb Everest without oxygen, or limbs. I was pretty much tied to the standard tourist grind as a result, but I had as much fun as you'd expect in Hollywood. The closest I came to underwear kingpins was passing by Trashy Lingerie on La Cienega. Didn't buy anything, though - that's more Old Lag's thing.

Looking forward to the wrestling review when you feel up to it.

Williamson, Great Britain, 18/01/2000
For the most monkeys per square foot visit http://www.zyworld.com/danmonkey2000/Home.htm.

I have been trawling the net for days and your monkey site is one of the best I can find although your site has very few actual monkeys.

Or spanking, for that matter. Still, if it's monkeys you want, check out the Simian Substitute Sites listed in the Archive.

barquing, Oxford, UK, 20/01/2000
Tch, nice music feature Spank, but why-oh-why-oh-why are people still so excited with the idea of Amazon setting up a music site? CD Paradise (which I admit I have personal links to) has been selling the bloody things for about one and a half years now (and books! and videos! oh never mind). OK. Rant over. Take the wider picture and stop giving them free publicity, OK? It's not as if they can't afford it themselves.

It's true, CD Paradise (and its related sites in the WHSmith empire) have been doing this sort of thing in the UK for longer than Amazon. And for reasons I can't divulge, I can even claim a 5% discount off everything they sell. But the one time I tried to order a book through its close relative The Internet Bookshop, I ended up having to wait two weeks for them to deliver the latest Iain Banks, and that struck me as a pretty poor turnaround. Still, if you started flogging DVDs at Video Paradise, I may be tempted to give you another chance...

Suzanne Vega Fan Club, Piccadilly Line, 21/01/2000
EasyEverything is now £1 for 30 minutes, and The Internet Exchange is 12p a minute. Or to put it another way the Suzanne Vega Fan Club has just been disbanded.

And (yes I know you don't start sentences with and) another thing, I am not sure you get everything I send. For example one of the

Buy a computer, Suze, for God's sake. You know it makes sense.

barquing, Paradise, 24/01/2000
[re: letter of 20/01/2000]

Grumble, grumble, grumble. OK, OK. Odd though, the bookshop is usually very reliable (must have been infected by the malign spirit of BooksUnlimited when you ordered). As for the DVDs, watch this space...

Cushty. Great to see Video Paradise are finally being dragged screaming into the 20th Century, even if it is a little late for that. Tell you what, if you can start selling DVDs by mid-February, I'll give you a plug in the much-delayed Dr Spank's DVD Clinic when it finally appears.

fat basterd, New York City, 25/01/2000
I am very fat. I eat because I am unhappy. I am unhappy because I eat. BOO HOO!

Now here's the thing. Whenever Amber, or whatever her name is, sends her batches of Simpsons/Austin Powers related gibberish at 4pm each day straight after coming home from school (see 12/01/2000 and 14/01/2000 for more examples), she invariably includes details of a 'wacky' made-up web site. But whenever you visit these sites, they always turn out to belong to some IT company or other - today's is http://www.yeah.com, for example. Is she just a kid playing around, or is this the most sophisticated corporate advertising campaign ever produced? Who knows?

Adam and Kel's wellsy, Norfolk, 27/01/2000
We think that this site is a load of wank come and see our own amazing site and see what you are missing. If you like the coulor brown then you will love this page!!! go to it NOW or i will eat you all up for Lunch and have your bones for supper

Which is all well and good, except when you actually visit the URL of http://www.chessecakewarriors.co.uk that A&K listed in their mail, it doesn't exist. It's possible that they may mean http://www.cheesecakewarriors.co.uk - which is indeed very brown and home to a number of agreeably noisy speed metal bands - but there's no way of telling for certain. Christ! I know American schoolgirls that can promote web sites better than you people! (I think.)

Carole Shields, just back from Los Angeles, 28/01/2000
Hi Spank! LA was a welcome change from Phila, not only the climate (sunny and 65 versus minus 1 and 8" of snow) but the general attitude. Example 1 - On a bus at 8am I witnessed 6 people of varying backgrounds hold a civil conversation offering advice to an old man regarding renewing a license. This would never happen in Phila. and I daresay not in London either, especially at 8 am. Everyone would be reading the paper and trying to avoid eye contact. Being in retail (one of those dreaded "people persons") I have never had a problem talking to strangers but I think in a lot of cases, people immediately are defensive and think "What does this person want from me?" The whole atmosphere just felt lighter. The very few homeless/disturbed people I saw seemed not so far gone. Example 2 - Everyone greets you in stores. Senior citizens stand at the door of charity shops and say "Welcome!" I think this also benefits the senior. I guess you can tell I did a lot of shopping! Hey, it's my job.

Another great thing. LA w/out a car is do-able, so you know for your next trip. The Metropolitan Transit Authority has a website where you enter in where you are and where you want to go, and it tells you what bus to take. I was able to take the 217 down Hollywood Blvd. to Fredericks of Hollywood Museum (generic, dull) and further on to the Los Feliz /Silverlake shopping district. Lots of cool vintage and Kitsch and the fabulous 50's decor Dresden Restaurant. Taking the same bus in the opposite direction will take you to the famous Melrose Ave. Of course you could always rent one of those cool cars with fins!

I had lunch at Mel's 50's diner featured in American Graffiti. Spent the day at Venice Beach. Camden Town meets Brighton Beach. Fun. We saw a man put a 100 pound Asian girl in a folding chair and balance her on his lip for several minutes. This was his grand finale after swallowing fire/ setting himself on fire. Look for him in upcoming Rosie Perez movie.

Alas never made it to Tijuana (sob). Needed a car and bodyguard. It's bad form to force your host into something he doesn't want to do!

The Hollywood Fashion Award goes to the girl I saw at Bar Sinister. Wearing drinking straws as hair accessories, a feather choker, pasties, hotpants and Frankenstein platforms she danced like a pagan pixie on acid/Japanese Superheroine. Inspiring!

Next - Postcard from Las Vegas - more garmento jokes, Siberian tigers and DAVID CASSIDY!!!

Thanks for letting me know about that MTA route planner, it's a real find. When I was in LA, the one bus that went by my hotel stopped off at Santa Monica - sea, shopping, shitloads of cinemas - and that at least kept me busy when I wasn't on organised tours. If I'd known how easy it was to get hold of details of the rest of the bus system, I'd have done a hell of a lot more exploring. Let's face it, LA buses need a bit more positive publicity after Speed, don't they?

Those of us who can only experience Vegas via art installations await the next postcard with interest. Make sure that Siegfried, Roy and David don't burn out your kitsch glands all in one go.

Monkey Spanker, Hell's closest, 01/02/2000
Biongy Kool Page. I don't have one but I don't have an ass either so it makes sense... anyways, MONKEYS OWN MEE!

I hope nobody was expecting a reply to this or anything.

Dee, Ireland, 03/02/2000
Ok, I realise you hail from london which, since the last time i checked makes you British, so I won't condemn you for your uninteresting, uninnovative primate endorsed? website. The first 2 lines were interesting , after that it just didn't do anything for me.. nice try though, Oh yeah and please accept my condolences.

What a shit letter. Whatever happened to that kid with the Austin Powers fixation? I used to like her.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 08/02/2000
I wanted to let you know that Timeout.com is seeking a webmaster. Your "moderately responsible job in the computer industry" is most likely more lucrative, but just thought I'd alert you anyhow. Think of the perks! You'd be the first to know every exciting thing happening in every major city! (Especially Philadelphia - Ha!) It's one of those jobs I might like if I had a clue about computers. Haven't seen anything new on the site. (Well, except the Turner Prize review which I enjoyed immensely.) Obviously you need somebody to ride your tail and give you a good spanking!!

It's tempting, but it's not really my field of expertise: I just dabble in this internet stuff for fun. Besides, the Time Out site tends to be just a glorified advert for their city guide books - there never seems to be an enormous amount of information about what's on right now in the various cities. (Mind you, they usually have pretty good links to local sites that do have that information, and those guide books are rather useful in their own right.) I'll stick with the current MRJITCI, thanks.

I thought we had some sort of unspoken agreement that tail-centred phallic innuendo was the lowest form of wit. But don't stop.

Carole Shields, back from Las Vegas, USA, 19/02/2000
I am so fired as STM's Phila correspondent! All I did in Vegas was work 13 hr. days, have dinner with my friends and then stare duly at the KC and the Sunshine Band clone in my hotel lounge.The time I allotted for visiting the Liberace Museum was eaten up waiting for the hotel to find my lost baggage. Then a freak rainstorm (practically a monsoon) cancelled my last evening's plans to take photos of the new hotels of the strip - Paris, Venetian, Bellagio. Las Vegas isn't used to rain and my ordered airport shuttle simply didn't turn up "because of the weather". This would never happen on the East Coast! I was late to the airport and didn't even have time to buy a postcard. I was planning on sending one to you and Old Lag. Excuses, excuses but it's all true.

Oh, we'll let you off this time, Carole. Besides, I've been pretty busy with work myself the last couple of weeks, hence the longish gap between updates recently. (Dr Spank's DVD Clinic has been delayed so many times now, I'd actually forgotten there was a crap pun in the title.)

To be confirmed, Piccadilly Line, 27/02/2000
STOP PRESS. The SUZANNE VEGA FANCLUB which was recently forced into administration, due to the escalating costs of global communications, have now merged with the LASSIE APPRECIATION SOCIETY. This new joint venture will in future be known as the LAS VEGAS CLUB.

REVIEWS. Sleepy Hollow: An interesting gothic serial killer mystery, but nothing to lose your head over. The End Of The Affair: If you thought Ralph Fiennes was unpleasantness personified in Schindler's List, the sight of his buttocks in this dreary slushfest was an even greater horror. His saggy girlfriend, Julianne Moore, wasn't much to write home about either. By the way, how did it end?

Nice to have you back, Suze, so for once I'll politely ignore the fact that you're SO BASTARD WRONG about The End Of The Affair. Coincidentally, you can pick up hints about the ending from the just-added Dr Spank's DVD Clinic.

Paul15, Colchester, England, 03/03/2000
Enjoyed your DVD Clinic Spank; in fact more informative than most UK DVD mags. I'm glad you've picked Vertigo as your number one DVD, it'd be my choice as well: a truly excellent restoration and a package of genuinely interesting extras. Also from Criterion, I can recommend La Grande Illusion and The Seventh Seal as similar top quality restoration jobs. I bought their The Third Man because I love the film but it's not in the same class as a restoration.

Cheers, Paul. Coincidentally, I've currently got Criterion's The Third Man on loan from Patch of Patch's Baby Pics And DVD Reviews Site fame. Admittedly, it doesn't glow in the dark the way their restored Kurosawa flicks do (Yojimbo, Sanjuro and Seven Samurai all look magnificent), but again it's a terrific package if you already love the film - the 1950s radio adaptation of the movie is a particularly nice touch. If there is a problem with Criterion, it's the way their licensing deals tend to expire after a year or two, resulting in some fascinating disks being deleted and causing their prices to rocket. Anyone out there know where I can pick up Criterion's DVD of This Is Spinal Tap for less than $100?

Rebecca, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, 05/03/2000
i wish i had this much time on my hands to jack off with. jolly good show.

Still not quite sure whether this counts as a good one or a bad one.

Mark Filipowicz, USA, 06/03/2000
Hey there fellow monkey enthusiast, I'm Mark from Marksmark.net. I'm flattered that you chose my site as your substitute site of the month, I'm guessing that's a good thing? Thanx for the hits from Jolly old England! Cheers Bloak!

We spell it "bloke" over here, but thanks for your message. Yes, the Simian Substitute Site award is definitely a good thing: I'm always on the lookout for fun monkey-related sites to recommend to people, and yours certainly fitted the bill. This may be because of our total lack of a monster-truck-related culture over this side of the Atlantic: but what the hell, I enjoyed it.

Las Vegas Club, Piccadilly Line, 06/03/2000
THE LAS VEGAS CLUB (SUZANNE VEGA FANCLUB/LASSIE APPRECIATION SOCIETY) have been referred to the Monopolies & Mergers Commission. Unfair penetration in the 'Poetic Song Lyrics/Shaggy Dog Stories' sector cited. Directors' claims that the venture was purely to promote illegal Boxing contests, in hotel car parks, not accepted.

REVIEW: Toy Story 2. Phwoar, check out that Jessie. No wonder the cowboy is called Woody. Looks like the only toy going to end up 'On The Shelf' is Bo Peep.

And this is the woman you rejected Julianne Moore for, is it? It's all becoming a little clearer now.

Luce28, Armpit of Virginia, USA, 16/03/2000
I'm bored and finally got round to reading your website. Most amusing, my dear simian pal.

Right, off to avoid watching The Sopranos on my 64" TV again...

P.S. Did I mention I have a book coming out?

Another visitor from Talking Film! They're all in here these days. You'll have to do better than that if you want your book plugged properly, Luce, but in the meantime here's that site link you asked for.

I really like that NedStat analysis tool you're using, by the way. Hmmm.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 17/03/2000
Following the Las Vegas/Lassie merger referral fiasco, the Suzanne Vega Fanclub has recommenced trading under its own name. We continue to welcome, however, any hostile takeover bids.

REVIEW: LA White Team. 'Nicholas Cage' stars as alcoholic cop Bud Cruise, whose relationship with kindergarten teacher Tiffany Shire is slowly hitting the rocks. She's played by 'Mira Sorvino', whose penchant for giving blow jobs to passing joggers and Greyhound bus drivers results in them both being caught up in a mid air hijack drama. Highlights include a cameo appearance by 'Julia Roberts', as the crack addicted hooker, Maudivine; and the crucifixion of Nicholas Cage.

Impressive use of quotation marks there, Suze. Your lawyers have obviously improved since your end-of-year awards libelfest.

Yanni Cooper, somewhere in America, 21/03/2000
Hoi, you wouldn't happen to know where or how I could obtain a copy of the script to Schizopolis would you? I'm trying to start a project based upon the assumption that the "gibberish" Elmo Oxygen is speaking isn't merely gibberish, and that there is some sort of hidden meaning. Any assistance you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Jigsaw.

Generic greeting, Yanni. I'm assuming that you've come to me through the review of Schizopolis on the American Independence page, so you've probably spent a fair bit of time searching the Internet for this script already. There are a number of great screenplay resources on the web, notably the renowned Drew's Script-O-Rama: but, to be blunt, that's geared towards providing the screenplays of popular films that people want to read. Unless Erin Brockovich sends Soderbergh's popularity through the roof, your chances of getting the script for his most obscure early work are pretty slim.

Two possibilities for you, anyway. Firstly, the reliable old Internet Movie Database has an entry for Schizopolis, obviously. The production company may be a useful port of call for a hard copy of the script, while the page of memorable quotes has a whole Elmo Oxygen scene transcribed for your reading pleasure. Secondly, Soderbergh wrote a book last year called Getting Away With It (Or, The Further Adventures Of The Luckiest Bastard You Ever Saw): it doesn't seem to have come out in the States yet, but Faber publish it in the UK and it's available at the Internet Bookshop. The book includes a journal of the making of Schizopolis, which may give you some insights into what the hell he was up to.

Steven Wells, Attack! Towers, UK, 23/03/2000
Your review of Attack! Books was greeted with joy here at Attack! Towers. The semi-lobotomised author-slaves rattled their chains, the snout-faced money men grunted in ecstacy, the glaze-eyed marketing monkeys wanked vigourously and flung globlets of simian semen in every direction.

Good stuff. UNIQUE stuff. Almost all our other press has been slack jawed awe or snarling contempt. You are now our favourite monkey - OFFICIAL! And no, Stanley Manly isn't Malcolm Bennett.

So - we've got three NEW books coming out in May:

GET YOUR COCK OUT by Mark Manning (aka Zodiac Mindwarp) - a truly disgusting rock'n'roll epistle that makes (fill in name of outrageous rock'n'roll book) read like (fill in name of something dead soppy).

WHIPS & FURS: MY LIFE AS A GAMBLER, BON VIVANT AND LOVE RAT by Jesus H. Christ (edited and introduced by Stewart Home) - the story of one of history's most fascinating characters - in his own words!!!

VATICAN BLOODBATH by Tommy Udo - The 500 year war between the Vatican and the British Royal Family for control of the world's heroin trade is about to reach a savage and incredibly violent climax!

All good, two-fisted, ripping yarn stuff. Most of it "readable". Some of it with a plot.

So, does the monkey want more ATTACK!? Covers, review copies, interviews with authors, with the editor, another manifesto, a blow job, peanuts, a severe grooming (concentrating on the groin, ear lobes and arm pits?).

Give us a shout.

Swells (on crack, obviously).

Of course, anyone can set up a Yahoo mail account these days. So any response to your letter is tempered with a vague worry that I may be being wound up by a third party. But, assuming I'm not...

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK! Swells! On my web page! Thanks for your comments on the Attack! review. It's my current theory that these days, everybody's press is either slack jawed awe or snarling contempt, which can make for pretty dull journalism. All I'm trying to do on the site is tell the world about stuff I like that they may not know about, and give a reasonably considered justification for them to check it out. Glad that the effort's appreciated.

Much as I'm intrigued by your offers of freebies and hot monkey sex, I think I'll politely decline because a) I want to keep my artistic integrity blah blah blah, and b) I still can't quite believe that this page is now at the stage where publishers are willing to offer that sort of thing. Nevertheless, keep us posted on forthcoming developments on the Attack! front, and I'll pass them on.

Simon Aldous, London, England, 29/03/2000
[re: Dance A Dickless Jig competition]

You refer of course to the fact that Top Cat was retitled Boss Cat in Britain, so as to avoid inadvertent promotion of Top Cat cat food, and to succeed in totally baffling me during my childhood - why are they calling him TC?

Hope I'm not too late to win the CD, it sounds a corker. Enjoyed your Oscar coverage by the way.

The first and only entry to the Dickless competition in two and a half months - luckily, it's correct in every detail. Congratulations, Simon, the CD's on its way.

Steven Wells, Attack! Towers, England, 17/04/2000
Comrade!

The struggle continues! Already the running dogs of bourgeoisie literature are quaking in their baby seal skin boots as the brave heroes of the social surrealist revolution continue their irresistible advance on their fusty citadels!

Huzzah!

A pile of manuscripts over a mile high teeters before us! How many of these sordid works will make it into print? Fuck knows! When will we start making money - money that will be used to buy arms and explosives? Or beer. Who cares!? This is a crusade! Not a hobby! Not some sickening bread-head career! Our mission is to flood the bookshops of the English reading world with hard-hitting, two-fisted, expletive-studded fuck-pig fiction!

Huzzah!

Steven Wells, Attack! editor in chief, can be contacted directly by e-mail on swellsattack@yahoo.co.uk. All e-mails will be responded. Promise.

Huzzah!

OK, it's a press release rather than a real letter, but at least it's a funny one. Attached to this mail were extracts of the next three tomes to come from Attack! Books, all due out some time in May. Vatican Bloodbath by Tommy Udo looks to be the best of the three, boasting a terrific plot (involving an all-out drugs war between the British Royal Family and the Catholic Church), some real Swells-style verve in the writing, and a cover image to die for:

Also on offer is Whips And Furs - My Life as a Bon Vivant, Gambler and Love Rat by Jesus H. Christ (introduced and edited by Stewart Home), which sets out its approach in the chosen extract featuring a detailed description of Christ having sex with a camel. And finally there's Get Your Cock Out, a lurid tale of rock 'n' roll excess as told by Mark Manning, who used to be better known as Zodiac Mindwarp. Which is strange, as Manning has another book out this month (Crucify Me Again) which seems to have an almost identical premise. I asked Swells about this. He wrote back the next day...

Steven Wells, Attack! Towers, England,18/04/2000
Crucify Me Again is a factual book that verges on fantasy. Get Your Cock Out is a fictional book that verges on the truth. They're both brilliant and they're both absolutely disgusting. And Crucify Me Again isn't published by Attack! Both books are about Zode's sick, demented, inspired, drugfucked, sexjuicestained and boozeaddled vision of what rock'n'roll SHOULD be. I would strongly advise your readers to buy both books as this will make them better people. Spiritually speaking. If, however, they can only buy one then they should buy Get Your Cock Out because it's the best.

Do you want review copies? And if so, where would I send them? Come on Spanker! Join the Jihad! Martin Amis on the dole and homeless by 2005. It's a dream, maybe, but it's a dream that we CAN make come true IF we all pull together. AAAAAAARGH! I feel another manifesto coming on...

So how's Spank The Monkey doing? How many hits do you get? Are you planning to float the fucker and make millions? Or take sponsorship from the corporate cockmongers? Have you got anything up about the May 1st shenanigans? Or Naomi Kline's No Logo book? I'll pop in for a look later on tonight. Seriously, I think it's an ace site. You'll have to give me a few tips for when I eventually get round to revamping the Attack! site (it's all new to me, I remember when it was all Fields Of The Nephelim around here etc).

Doing all right, thanks for asking. Couple of hundred hits a week, according to the little counter thingy I've had on the front page of the site for the past month. This may be a good time for a quick digression into some traffic analysis. Half of the new arrivals are coming from Citizen Lunchbox, home of Mr Monkey and his keeper Misha, mainly because she does this really popular list of every appearance of monkeys on The Simpsons. And the other half are from dodgy porno surfers searching on vaguely risque phrases and coming into an arts review site by mistake. (Like the guy the other week who came here looking for "amature nude red heads". "Amature"? As in the opposite of "mature", or what?) Maybe I *should* be taking advantage of this, and putting May 1st stuff and other subversion in there...

...but the fact remains, this is just a hobby (not a crusade! not some sickening bread-head career!). During the day I have a moderately responsible job in the computer industry, which is as close as it gets to sucking corporate choad without having to make that final spit/swallow decision. I'm really not geared up to the responsibility of having to deal with review copies being sent to me: I find the stuff I like, I tell people about it, I move on. But as I've said before, keep putting out that expletive-studded fuck-pig fiction, and I'll keep reminding people it's still out there. Can't say fairer than that.

Oh, and you'll like this, Swells. Remember those dodgy porno surfers I told you about earlier? Well, with a little digging around you can find exactly which words on the index page they were searching for when they reached me. Two of the most popular in the past month have been 'tits' and 'totty' - and let's face it, they wouldn't be there on the front page without you. Ta. Make sure both words end up in the text on the Attack! site's front page when you submit it to the search engines, and you'll do just fine.

Jacques Cousteau, France, 21/04/2000
[re: La Tanière Désagréable De Fessée Le Singe]

I fink if a monkee is notee then it shood be spanked. Vous don`t sweat much for a fat bloke. Je un techno derriere.

"I, a mechanical bottom"?

Kenneth O'Lovee, London, England, 23/04/2000
I've just seen the final episode of the first season of Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) and can't help but congratulate the fine acting performance of its star - XXXXXXX XXXXXX. When is this brilliantly talented actress going to get that Hollywood movie lead she so obviously deserves?

Ken's put me in a bit of a difficult position here, as well he knows. All I'm prepared to say is that one of Spank's Pals did, indeed, have a triumphant two-line bit part on prime time telly last Saturday night, but has specifically asked that I don't go on about it on this site. So I'll respect her wishes and keep her anonymous while agreeing that yes, she was great. But if there's anyone who deserves to be left for dead in a rat-infested gibbet, it's her costume designer.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 25/04/2000
Saw Sex: The Annabel Chong Story yesterday after a client recommended it. Heavy. I will not say anything else at this time as I do not want to spoil it for you. I saw in Time Out (your favorite) that it opened in London so I hope you will go see and then we can discuss. Then I took a brisk walk and went to lighter fare High Fidelity. I enjoyed all the cameos. It was good to see Lisa Bonet in something - that poor thing.And I have always appreciated Lili Taylor. I would have preferred it if it were set in England but it wasn't bad and was faithful to the book.

Things have been in a bit of a slump here since February, but I am gearing up for some more activity. Will be seeing Jesus' Son, Show Me Love and some French film whose name escapes me at the festival. In May I will be back in NYC and will find some theater. I went back to your site this morning to re-read your Jesus' Son review and it made me want to go back to Edinburgh for this year's festival. Although it seems as though no one is interested in going and I will have to pick people out of the road by myself. Oh well. Don't work too hard. It's keeping you from Spanking the Monkey!

It's true, work has slowed down updates to this site recently: but on the other hand, I did get to go out to the States for a week on business, where I caught High Fidelity for myself. Glad that you enjoyed it: I hadn't heard about half the cameos, so they came as a nice surprise to me too. Annabel Chong is somewhere on my list of films to catch, but the short term plan is to veg out over the May Day holiday weekend with Galaxy Quest. What's the point of holidays if you can't lower your standards during them?

I've paid a quick visit to the Philly Philm Phest site and I'm suitably impressed. (Jesus' Son! Duh! That's where I've seen Jack Black before!) Try to catch Kikujiro if you've got time. We worship Takeshi Kitano around these parts, as you may have noticed.

bob the mystic monkey, Sunderland, England, 26/04/2000
Nice site, how did you know i had a monkey fetish, I cannot believe i have found as many people who share the love of a baboons bottom

Speak for yourself, pal.

Faris, London, England, 09/05/2000
Just looked at your site, via Blue Jam. I liked your style, and your clear admiration for the man who will one day be hailed as a true genius, i.e. someone who thinks DIFFERENTLY to the majority of the human and simian races. Have you seen Jam? I'll assume you have. Despite qualms, it translates well to the televisual medium. Seeing a 4 year old girl hacking away at a body is the sort of thing that can scare people. TV has regained some of its power in Morris' hands. 'Course one day he will be controller of Channel 4, and someone who insists on producing middle of the road programming for shock value will be calling him a cunt on screen.

Take it easy.

Yes, I've seen Jam: and I think there's a case for having both the TV and the radio versions. Blue Jam is the perfect place for those verbal sketches that rely on building up an atmosphere of menace by having horrible things discussed in a deadpan, emotionless manner: that stuff works brilliantly on radio, but falls really flat on TV, no matter how much visual tweaking Morris does.

Jam still works best when the visuals carry a large part of the joke. There were a couple of killer examples in the final episode of the series: the aggressive mum at the children's party, and the two guys who suddenly start kissing in the pub. Both sketches where the performance is as important as the script. If we're going to get a Jam II, then that should be the way it goes: judging by the way the series improved as it went on, I think Morris realises that himself.

You're the first person to ever use the word "cunt" on my website, Faris. Congratulations. In case the rest of you are wondering, it's entirely justified: it's a reference to the single-frame insert that Chris Morris sneaked into the last episode of Brass Eye as an insult to C4 controller Michael Grade. (Image courtesy of Glebe's Thrift Funnel, who also have lots of disturbing Jam stuff for you to see and hear if you missed the show.)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, London, 13/05/2000
STOP PRESS: Following the long drawn out acquisition of Tiny Computers Ltd (Correction: purchase of a Tiny computer), the Suzanne Vega Fanclub are back.

Review: Gladiator. I was thoroughly slaughtered, by the impressive fight and battle scenes; worth the admission money on their own. The fact that I fell asleep several times had nothing to do with the film, but everything to do with being up since 4.30am. However I obviously nodded off during the part that explained how a Roman general (as well as heir apparent to the whole Empire) suddenly transformed into a Spanish slave. Fortunately for him, everyone else spoke incomprehensible English; otherwise his cover might have been blown. As I also snoozed through the last 5 minutes, tell me, who won?

Unfortunately, Suze, you slept though the bit where Ralph Fiennes charges into the arena at the climax and displays his naked arse. Never mind.

Suze rather predictably wants you to visit this site if you've got a minute.

Rob Petersen, webmaster of The Invisibles Art Gallery, 16/05/2000
Your email address is on a web site that links to my Invisibles cover art site.

I recently dropped AOL (and with it the sixmonkey name) and the site you are now linked to will go away in June. In fact, the images are already gone and only a link to the new site exists.

I've not only moved the site, but I expanded it to include anything art related to The Invisibles. It's been redesigned to load a lot easier/faster too. If you would, please link to and rename as The Invisibles Art Gallery.

Thanks. Let me know if you have any questions or problems. I do appreciate the links and traffic!

Fight this generation, Your pal, Rob

But why drop the sixmonkey name? It just seemed so... right... I dunno...

Anyway, the link's now updated on my Invisibles page as requested. Thanks for letting me know.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 24/05/2000
I ran to catch Human Traffic today before my writing class. Not a great piece of art or anything, but I laughed a lot even though I was/am too old to embrace the "E" Culture. How was it received in London? I am a big fan of Emer McCourt who produced it. The last film I noticed she was in never made it to the States on video or otherwise. I would like to see her in something soon. How are you? I would threaten a proper spanking re: website updates, although I know this is not allowed! I almost forgot, Mike Leigh's Naked was on IFC the other night. Could you explain it for me? I've seen it twice and I still think it is depressing and misogynistic. Why do his actors have annoying voices? Help me out w/ your input.

Update. There. Happy now?

Human Traffic came out here almost exactly a year ago, and seemed to split critics straight down the middle. How they accepted it seemed roughly proportional to how much they identified with the club scene. I liked it because it wasn't as preachy as films about drugs tend to be, pretty much covering a weekend out as most kids experience it these days. The drugs aren't a big thing, they're a means to an end, nobody has a particularly horrific time because they're doing it with friends who'll look after them. And it's not afraid to occasionally be embarrassing (the National Anthem and Star Wars scenes spring to mind) to gently illustrate that people can talk the most incredible crap when high. Plus, it's nice to see John Simm (better known for TV roles) cutting loose on the cinema screen: watch out for him in the mighty Wonderland when it makes it over your side of the pond in July.

As for Naked... I find with Mike Leigh films that it helps to see them as cartoons. People assume that with the sixteen week periods of rehearsal and improvisation, you have to end up with fully-developed three-dimensional characters. I don't think that's true, and I don't think it has to be: Leigh's characters are mostly caricatures, but he's got the cartoonist's mindset that realises that a few broad brushstrokes can sometimes be more descriptive than a photorealistic image. As a lot of Leigh's work tends to be about class, the characters tend to be class stereotypes, hence the accents. For the most part this works just fine: the problem comes with something like Naked, where he's using the cartoon approach with much darker subject matter than normal, and the two don't mesh comfortably. It also doesn't help that though Johnny is a complete scumbag, David Thewlis makes him a fantastically enthralling character to watch: I suspect that the yuppie guy is only in the story to show us what Johnny would be like if you took away all his personal charm - which has the awkward effect of giving us two misogynistic male characters for the price of one, but there you go.

You may find this webchat of interest: it's a transcript of an hour in March when Mike Leigh himself came on line and chatted to the inhabitants of the Talking Film bulletin board. We had to submit initial questions in advance, and by the time I got round to it all the obvious ones had been done, which is why my contribution is a feeble attempt at luring Leigh into slagging off Britain's Crappiest Film Critic, the Guardian's own Peter Bradshaw. It's an informative insight into the man's mind, although he does get incredibly defensive when the criticism starts. The closing reference to "the Tourettes outbursts of a trained attack-prostitute" is too funny an in-joke to spoil with a mere explanation.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Out of this world man, 27/05/2000
Looking at your letters pages, it appears most of your correspondents are pretty spaced out. Therefore those with Windows Media Player might like to try this site.

Last night's action included: STS101 undocking from ISS. (That's the Shuttle and Space Station, dummy.)

It's not bad if you like that sort of thing. The special effects are a bit naff, though.

Nick Smith, London, England, 29/05/2000
I was encouraged to see the Rio Cinema in Dalston had noted my review of American Beauty from your 1999 London Film Festival pages (even if I was sold a dud ticket, to catch the no show Annette Bening), and played the movie in a double bill with The Ice Storm last Sunday. No need to compare and contrast here, as they are both equally detached films, from outsiders scratching under the surface of American Society. The best thing about both films were the performances of the lead actresses, Sigourney Weaver and Annette Bening, who happen to be two of my faves!

Love the site (what happened to Old Lag?).

You were probably one of the first in the UK to make comparisons between American Beauty and The Ice Storm, Nick, but you certainly weren't the last. For what it's worth, I reckon Beauty has the edge: Ice Storm may have covered the territory first, but its descent into tragedy feels a little too contrived and act-of-God-ish. Whereas when Spacey goes down, it's because of the cumulative weaknesses and failures of everyone in his life.

Old Lag seems to have been in hibernation since the winter. Maybe if we all clap our hands and say we believe in him, he'll come back.

Ben2222, Leeds, England, 30/05/2000
Yo! Like the webpage and agree with you that the London Eye is lovely. The LA Times said "it would be better to have a pre-recorded audio commentary [playing in each pod]" -- let's hope the Eye people ignore that.

Agreed - part of the fun's trying to work out where everything is on your own, and there's always an attendant on hand if you get stuck. My only concern is that I never worked out what happens if you're desperate for a wee while you're on the Eye. As it's a British Airways affair, they could always arrange for an airplane style loo in every pod: not much fun for the passers-by on the embankment below, true, but that's their problem.

Ben says to visit LSR's Breakfast Club, by the way. See if you can spot him.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 21/06/2000
REVIEW: Cookin' at Sadlers Wells [as previously reviewed in Edinburgh - Spank]

Sorry Mr Spank. But this was the sort of rubbish Bruce Forsyth & Norman Wisdom used to come up with back in the sixties, at the London Palladium. It wasn't even cutting edge entertainment then!

Don't make me turn the phrase SO BASTARD WRONG into a catchphrase, please...

I know the clip you're referring to, but if Cookin' was based on anything, it's the current trend to take traditional circus skills and make them relevant to a modern audience by making them faster, louder, and more dangerous. It's the energy and speed that people are relating to, not the basic idea behind it. Sorry if it didn't do it for you.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 30/06/2000
Last night I re-read my Edinburgh diary for a laugh. Then I realized it's online now. Have you looked? Are you going? All you have to do is hop on a train, it's a bit more complicated for me. Last weekend I had a fabulous time at the Coney Island Mermaid parade (NYC). Here are the sites if you want to have a look: Whirl-i-gig, Deno's Wonder Wheel Amusement Park, Coney Island USA. Perhaps next year?

I am paying for my fun however. I sat in the front seat of the Cyclone roller coaster and now I have some form of whiplash so that it hurts to type this email. I refuse to think I am too ancient for amusement rides! God. Anyway it was quite thrilling.

Yes, I've seen both the hard copy and online versions of the Edinburgh Fringe programme. And I was always worried that this would be the point where I'd renege on last year's commitment to give Edinburgh a rest in 2000. But at first glance there's nothing that makes me want to drop everything and go up there. Besides, past experience has shown me that a year off helps you appreciate the vibe a whole lot more when you get back, so I'll start looking forward to the 2001 Festival. In the meantime, a small subset of Spank's Pals are heading up there on their own this year, so hopefully I'll be kept informed.

I'll take your advice on the rides at Coney Island under consideration. I could show you some video footage featuring me shrieking like a girl at the climax of the Universal Hollywood Jurassic Park ride, but I seem to be curiously unable to lay my hands on it right now.