Letters, Year Two (July - December 1999)

Tom Coates, somewhere in the intersection between two meta-universes, 05/07/1999
Hi - I believe that you have a link to Invisibles: The Bomb on your site. As of today the site has moved to : http://www.barbelith.com/bomb/

The site will still be available at the old address for a few days, although it won't be being updated. By the weekend it will be replaced by a redirection page. However, I would be really grateful if you could update your links in the meantime and I look forward to seeing you at the new site! (And don't worry - annotations for 3#8 will start to appear this week!)

Link updated as requested, Tom. Even if you tend to skip over the comics stuff on this site, I recommend that you all pay a visit to The Bomb at its new home and see just how terrifyingly smart comics (and comics readers) can be these days.

Carole Shields, somewhere in America but she's still not telling, 13/07/1999
Hi Spank, I loved finding your website and reading your reviews of the festival 98. My friends and I are traveling to Edinburgh Aug 22-29. Do you have any tips to share for a first timer? Do most shows sell out in advance? I booked tix for Marc Almond but was dismayed to see that Nick Cave was sold out a month ahead of time. Are there any particular shows that you would recommend? The film festival website is not on line so I have no idea what is good there. I realize you are not the tourist board but I trust your judgement. If you could drop me a line I'd appreciate it.

We are in London 8/20-21 and 8/29-31 but will not go to Mamma Mia. Musicals UGH even if it is Abba. I hope to see you at the festival. I'm sure to recognize you by your tail. Cheers.

One-paragraph Festival Virgin guide coming up...

The classic mistake everybody makes on their first Edinburgh is to book up loads of things before you get there. Don't. Sure, some of the biggest names and the one-off events will sell out in advance, but you can guess what they'll be and plan accordingly. That's pretty much what you did with Marc and Nick, and the same should apply to the Film Festival (the programme's just appeared on line, by the way). Most other shows will still have tickets available on the week you're there, and you can plan those around the must-see stuff you've already booked for. Follow the reviews on the various web sites in the weeks before you go so you get a feel for where the buzz is: there are links to the main ones on my '98 diary, and I'll put up an updated list for '99 soon. To sum up, you can't really tell what the festival hits will be until it's actually running, but stay flexible and keep your ear to the ground and you should do just fine.

What tail?

Carole Shields, Phila., USA, 20/07/1999
I've been spanktified! Thanks for your reply. I did manage to get Nick Cave tix from Ticketweb after being tipped from a friendly Brit. I am waiting for the film fest to post their events site as I have already seen some of the films. I am thinking of buying advance tickets for Jim Rose, Ken Kesey, Al Murray the pub landlord and Groping For Words by Sue Townsend. If you ever come to Phila. (suburb of NYC) I'd be glad to answer any questions. Don't bother to hide the tail, it still shows.

Leaving aside the phallic innuendo for a moment, here are a few additional suggestions courtesy of Spank's Pals. Annie Nightingale's book festival event looks to be the most popular one with the crew so far: she's the UK's best-loved female radio DJ, and she's combining a reading from her autobiography with some late night tunes. There's a nice mixture of music and film in the Flux event The Lodger, which is an old silent Hitchcock movie with a new live soundtrack written by Joby Talbot of The Divine Comedy. As far as new movies go, our New Zealand correspondent Lee has said very nice things about Scarfies, a black comedy set within the student population of Dunedin University (where she's currently based). And Fringe theatre just wouldn't be the same without the presence of Mr Shouty himself, Steven Berkoff, whose play East is having a 25th anniversary run. We may even turn up at one or two of the events you've already mentioned. If anyone else out there is travelling to Edinburgh and wants to make some suggestions, then drop me a line.

Old Lag, Staring At The Parched Grass on Wandsworth Common, 01/08/1999
Beginning to wonder if this site really represents the grass roots of London culture australopithites. First you try denying that you flew to America to see Star Wars. Now you are claiming you do not have a tail. Perhaps you should post hints and tips on Edinburgh, like the best pubs you will not be in.

Fans of Old Lag's unique brand of snottiness will be delighted to hear that he'll be part of the team covering the Edinburgh Festival during our week up there towards the end of August. Unless, of course, he takes a huff and decides not to contribute anything.

Old Lag, Recovering From Meeting An American Woman In London, 14/08/1999
[re: previous letter]

Not contribute anything! I have been hard at work... Have bagged the first Star of The Festival. Much to my surprise, the parentals live next door to the parentals of the male lead in Berkoff's 25th anniversary production of East. Damn, will have to buy a ticket. When everyone else bought one I thought I could get out of seeing any Berkoff this year. It's a small world.

Berkoff's inescapable at this time of year, I'm afraid. He's even got his own web site now, courtesy of those nice people at Demon Internet.

Phil Hobbs, Wimbledon, England, 22/08/1999
Thought I'd let you know I am now involved in the Almeida and Donmar theatres - so if you fancy any reviews from me?

Oh, admit it, Phil. You've only taken on the Almeida gig so you'll be close to Ian McDiarmid when Star Wars Episode 2 starts filming.

Old Lag, Foaming At The Mouth In An Internet Caff In Stirling, 26/08/1999
I'm not speaking to you anymore.

Och, away wi' ye. The Lagster is complaining that I missed a couple of words out of one of his Edinburgh reviews when I typed it up, and he claims it makes no sense as a result. Anyway, I've fixed it now. Sorry. Maybe I'll just issue each of Spank's Pals with their own laptop next time.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 01/09/1999
Thought I'd let you know how [Edinburgh] turned out for us.

• Jim Rose Circus was pretty lame. Mr. Lifto hoisted various items attached to his penis, Jim tried to suffocate his wife Bebe the Circus Queen. This stuff happens in Philadelphia all the time.
• We saw Sue Townsend's Groping For Words. Cute, no Adrian Mole.
• Things got more exciting mid week. We thought Al Murray was quite funny, although 2 OAP's walked out during the bit about the uselessness of having 2 more years added to your life when you're 90.
• We left Annie Nightingale after she started signing books, didn't think there were enough people left for much of a party. If we'd known you were there we would have joined in the beer pouring as we were pretty faced ourselves. It was hard not to giggle during that painful void before the Lennon photo.
• I went to see Le Flor de Mexico, Frida Kahlo, since I buy Mexican crafts for a living. She offered a few fresh insights, but mostly seemed to be quoting from a book. I think she really thought she was channeling Frida which made it the most interesting. Unfortunately the venue had that lack of air problem.
• In Cooking With Elvis the plotline was thin yet laughable and the singer who impersonated Elvis was perfect.
• Nick Cave at Princes St. Gardens was fantastic. I am not a huge Cave fan but it was so great to be outdoors with the castle lit up. It was quite dreamlike.
• We saw Felicia's Journey, which I really enjoyed. My friend did not. I had not seen any of Atom Egoyan's previous films so I had no basis for comparison. A lot of people thought the music didn't work. The Q+A was informative and made me want to get the book to read the different, darker ending. I got to use the loo with the star. (No, not Bob Hoskins.)
• Enjoyed Marc Almond, especially Say Hello, Wave Goodbye encore which he did Sat. night also. We also suffered from the problem your friend had of falling asleep during the show. It was so hot up in the balcony and the ledge was perfect for laying your head on. We kept laughing that we were finally at MA and could barely keep our eyes open. It might have helped if you were allowed to have drinks up there.
• The most memorable part of the festival for us will be walking the mile and a half home almost every night because of the inexcusable shortage of taxis, minicabs or nightbuses. What's up with that? At 1am I would see about 100 people wherever I went half drunk, half in platform shoes looking like they would pay any price for a taxi. If I lived there I would start a gypsy cab service with all my friends and relatives. In connection with that pretty much every day we saw a person missing a leg or with a wooden leg. Are they falling down in the cobblestone streets and getting run over? This makes for engaging pub conversation. We actually picked a few people out of the road.

Nice to hear from you again, Carole. Sorry we all missed you at Annie Nightingale: your friend Sal sent me a couple of pictures of you (you did know about this, didn't you?) so I was keeping an eye out for you. I'd hoped that the post-reading bop would be better attended, too: once the dust cleared I think there were just a few dozen punters left, and assorted Book Festival staff insisting hundreds of people were going to swarm in around midnight (they didn't). Still, we all had fun, and that's the main thing. Enjoy the Philadelphia Fringe Festival - we'll keep tabs on it from over here.

Old Lag, Having Tea With The Literary Set In Wandsworth, 05/09/1999
Spank, what an interesting letter from your Philadelphia correspondent. Far more interesting than the mail from that 'Old Lag' character. How sad that we did not meet them at the Book Fair. Annie Nightingale's generation are otherwise entertained.

You have to take it from an American on service culture. It did cross my mind this year that millions could be made, as in Turkey, from running a fleet of minibuses around the main festival venues. In fact Edinburgh does have one night bus. However it does a detour around all the city's satellite council estates to cover two geographic miles. Not for the faint hearted.

This brings me onto the point that Carole was hinting at, and others at this Tea Party who have had their first, and slightly disappointing shot at Edinburgh. It just takes years and great alcohol abuse to even take a finely tuned bite out of this monolith. Personally I think Literary Tea Parties are the new Comedy and like you Spank I will try hard not to go in 2000.

...and Badly Organised Audio-Visual Presentations are the new Rock 'N' Roll, I suppose. (But wasn't that always the case?)

Old Lag, Mellowing Out in the More Civilised Parts Of North America, 12/09/1999
Spank, Canadian women do not seem to have wholeheartedly embraced the wonderbra/skimpy tee shirt combo beloved of London women this summer and that has so titillated foreign tourists over the summer season. To try and accommodate the torrid undercurrents of your website, did go to see The Five Senses at the opening night of the Toronto Film Festival, a Film Festival I have to say is being portrayed in the press as riddled with sex, probably to get the punters in. The Five Senses concerns a man who wishes to smell love and a female cake maker who has no taste buds, but a sensual Italian lover. Anyone could probably make up the rest.

Mind you, London women's fashion sense would probably cause problems here in Quebec: considering the lardy and infirm Americans disgorging from the super cruise liners in the St Lawrence River, 20% of them would probably suffer heart attacks. Off to Newfoundland where hope to review Canadian Country & Western Bands with 3 in the audience and tundra brothels etc etc, then NY USA.

Jeremy Podeswa's The Five Senses appears in the just-announced programme for the 1999 London Film Festival, so maybe they're trying to lure the punters in with sex too. Hell, it works for me. Enjoy yourself in Canada, Old Lag, and drop us a line when you hit the Big Apple. Oh, you have.

Lee Faulkner, Dunedin, New Zealand, 13/09/1999
I've been keeping up with your exploits in Edinburgh. Sometimes it sounds more like an 'interesting experience' than an 'enjoyable time'...

It's a shame if it came across that way, Lee. Granted, the three big tickets I'd been most looking forward to on my arrival - Al Murray, Annie Nightingale and The Blair Witch Project - all turned out to be disappointments for one reason or another, as you've read. But there's always stuff happening in Edinburgh that doesn't come ladled with press hype and takes you by surprise (Cinderella and Lovepuke are the two shows that immediately spring to mind, but there were others). And everything I saw during the week always had some redeeming feature or other that meant that it wasn't a complete waste of time. Except for the Cambridge Footlights, who were shit.

Richard Holmes, London, England, 16/09/1999
I was looking through Time Out in the music section, Friday 17th: Roots and Country section, and I noticed a group by the name of 'Shave The Monkey' appearing at the Ram Club Claygate. "Traditional to contemporary world music from the five piece STM, who between them play 16 instruments." Does the Monkey get Spanked after it's been Shaved, or do we really care?

The abuse monkeys have to suffer terrifies me sometimes, Richard. If you fancy comparing Shave The Monkey against their almost-namesakes from Louisiana, have a look at The Official Spank The Monkey Website. I may have to return to the topic of Spank's not-quite-relatives at some point in the future.

Old Lag, Resident In A Sleazy-Chic Hotel In Chelsea, New York, 24/09/1999
Spank darling, Broadway, New York theatre land is sooooo boring! Had not been here 24 hours and the week's Time Out New York was heavily promoting Do You Come Here Often? by The Right Size. Saw a large queue snaking down the side of the Savings Bank in Union Square. On investigation this turned out to be people trying to get into De La Guarda - I mean no mention that this exciting bombshell had just transferred from London. Nick and Old Lag did both those shows well over a year ago in London. Walking down Broadway, 'ART, funniest show on Broadway'!, Les Mis, Ain't Nothing But The Blues, Cats. I mean I nearly got a cut price ticket for The Weir, but decided to go and have a very large T Bone and a couple of beers instead. Promoted Off-Off Broadway shows did not seem to exist in reality, but seemed a bit like an ongoing Edinburgh.

Never mind, NY is awesome as the Americans say. Went to see Romance, but dare not discuss it, as one could do, like the French, for a number of hours, because I am still probing your censorship policy. What happened to the mail from the Toronto Film Festival? As promised, the grassroots music scene in St. John's (the biggest city in Newfoundland) was tremendously exciting, probably because there is nothing to do there either as a doer or a watcher. We saw some fantastic progressive folk guitar work on the last night, but the alcohol consumption precludes memory of their name. Have bought a cheap MP3 player, and must make contact about the London Film Festival. Never made it to a tundra brothel.

Censorship policy? Bollocks! When you sent your mail from Toronto you ticked the 'no publicity' box at the bottom of the form, so I assumed it wasn't for public consumption. This has now been rectified, as you can see elsewhere on the page. Romance opens in London in early October, apparently uncut, so further discussion will doubtless follow.

As for your comments on the state of Broadway, I think you'll find that our favourite Argie bungeeists De La Guarda opened in NY about a year before their current Roundhouse run: but otherwise, you're right, there is a definite British invasion going on there. Fascinated to hear that The Right Size have transferred over: even more fascinated to hear that the magnificent Shockheaded Peter will open at the New Victory Theatre NY on October 14th for a short run. For those of you who don't know this piece of genius theatre, check out the Shockheaded Peter web site, or that of the somewhat disturbing musicians behind it, The Tiger Lillies.

Jen van Berkel, Belgium, 26/09/1999
Sujet: fessée

Le sujet m'interesse. Veuilez m'envoyer des détails, spécialement des histoires (vrais ou fantasies). Merci.

I really must get around to taking that April Fool page off the search engines some time.

Phil Hobbs, London, England, 29/09/1999
Have you booked your LFF tickets yet? Me - I'm going for quite a lot this year (18 performances in total) so I'm sure I shall bump into you. Also, did you get to see Tim Roth or Robert Carlyle recently - or the new Jane Campion next week.

Now I did take great exception at your comment about me and my theatre/charity involvement [letter of 22/08/1999]. Then I hoped you actually were having a joke instead of having a jibe at me and what I do in my social life? I've been a patron at both the Almeida and Donmar for over a year now and have recently bought shares in Adventures in Motion Pictures. I've joined ScreenCares which does charity film screens for Crusaid, know people at the Elton John Aid Foundation cause of Home House Club, go to the occasional movie premiere for the Prince's Trust and the odd concert. I've learnt that whilst contractors earn a good living, we should also give some of it back to charities and organisations we believe in rather than get taxed to the hilt by a Government who wishes to brainwash us all into mediocracy.

Originally I did go for the stars, but that soon died away - after meeting some BIG names - and now I find only silly things get me: like Colm "Chief O'Brian" Meaney recently. Also I'm involved in stewarding at sci-fi cons (recently spent the weekend working one: over 10 hours of helping out) so don't think I do it all just for the meeting of people anymore.

If you fancy meeting up over the film festival let me know, but then again you probably won't. Next year I'm gonna hit the fringe big time - like I did in 97 when I ended up drunk and on stage with Al Murray at Pick of the Fringe and Mark Little in Psychobubble. Until you see my name in the lights...

No, of course I wasn't joking, everything I say on the letters page is 100% serious, and maybe you're using a browser that doesn't recognise the HTML <SARCASM> extension. Seriously, nice to hear what you're getting up to, and I definitely agree with the principles behind it. As regards the London Film Festival, I regard your figure of 18 films with a snort of contempt: my first draft list was in the forties and isn't showing any signs of getting smaller. We'll doubtless meet up at random at the Odeon like we always do, or maybe at the Jane Campion event next week...

Ginomoto, Brazil, 30/09/1999
MONKEYS

There's one for those of you who think some of the letters have been a bit long recently.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 02/10/1999
It's that lack of service... Spank, could you have mentioned the dates of the LFF 2 weeks ago when BA was having their sale? I pulled up the site yesterday and quickly saw 27 films I would "kill to see". Jim Jarmusch and Forest Whitaker are only 2 of the reasons why I must now go into the yard and shoot myself. Not willing to wait for video...

My country's half-arsed attempt at a service economy has let you down yet again, and I apologise on behalf of it. That's still no excuse for you to go postal on us though, Carole. I've always assumed that the American movies in the London Film Festival programme have already received a domestic release, so it's interesting that you're suggesting otherwise. (Mind you, in the UK a domestic release can mean a week in London and nowhere else, so I suspect there's an awful lot of movies in the US that don't make it outside of NY and LA.)

If it's any consolation to you, the official LFF site that you've already located did some pretty good coverage of the on-stage interviews last year, including live Real Audio streaming on the night, plus text and audio extracts the day after. Hopefully they'll be doing the same this year. It'll mean you'll have to log in at 9am Sunday morning your time to hear Jim Jarmusch, but I'm sure that'll be a small price to pay. And of course, there'll be daily coverage at the Unpleasant Lair from November 4th.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 03/10/1999
[re: letter of 02/10/1999]

Thanks for the tip on JJ interview. Most of the films I picked were British, a few French, NZ. I hope they make it over. As I am doing a lot this fall, Mission UK, Creatures, Marc Almond, Los VanVan, El Vez, Shockheaded Peter I will not go to the bother of shooting myself. Have a wonderful time at the FF and have a pint for me Nov 3rd, it's my Bday.

Good to hear that you'll be avoiding the shotgun rampage after all. Particularly since I've subsequently mailed the people who look after the LFF site, and found out that they won't be doing the live stream of the Jarmusch and other interviews this festival: virtually no-one used the facility last year, apparently, so you'll have to make do with a transcript instead. Still, enjoy all your other planned stuff: I have a sneaking suspicion you'll be knocked flat by Shockheaded Peter, let us know what you thought of it.

withnail20, 06/10/1999
Hi Spank. Nice site.

Hi Withers, nice of you to drop by. Withnail and I (to coin a phrase) can be regularly spotted pontificating on Talking Film, the bulletin board area of the Film Unlimited website. You'll need to register to get in there, but it's worth it. Give it a go.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 09/10/1999
I just saw Sugartown (Allison Anders) - it played at Ed FF. Have you seen? I met her when she was in Phila with Mi Vida Loca a few years ago and have followed her work since. I loved Gas, Food and Lodging and MVL but have been disappointed with everything else since. Sugartown has some good actors but it's a rehash of All about Eve w/ a couple of cute vignettes on the side. I thought Rosanna Arquette did a good job w/ what she had to work with. Ally Sheedy was good as well. Did you see her in High Art? She was great, she really works that look. I may mail you a list of some of the films that I hope you'll review. I know I ask a lot, but don't you have an obligation to your admiring public?

You probably won't be such an admiring public if I admit that the only Anders I've seen to date is Grace Of My Heart, which I'm really fond of (Illeana Douglas doing that Costello/Bacharach song gets me every time). We'll pass over her contribution to the piss-poor Four Rooms, obviously. I keep meaning to catch up on her earlier work, and I'll certainly trawl the shelves of Blockbuster for GF&L next time I'm there. As for the LFF, my list is already in the post to the box office, and I'll let everyone else know what's on it in my own good time.

Old Lag, Up To No Good, 13/10/1999
Congratulations and well done on your www.co.uk moniker. I suppose it gives you a shabby veneer of respectability. Of course it is easier to key in when drunk in a strange web cafe. I have of course registered the .com version, for which I hope to extort cash and LFF Mike Leigh tickets from you. Waddaya mean when you told your Phila correspondent 'this country's service economy'! If you keyed in your letters quickly, I might have been able to have a good gossip with her, about you, in New York, on my recent tour. It's your own fault Spank, as a result she probably still thinks you are a sexual pervert!

I'm not entirely certain I want my readers gossiping about me behind my back. And considering the .com address is officially registered in the name of Monkey Spanker of Wank City, I wouldn't go around accusing other people of being sexual perverts if I were you.

Angie, Spokane, USA, 15/10/1999
I love monkeys!

Doesn't everybody?

Angie, Spokane, USA, 18/10/1999
[re: letter of 15/10/1999]

I donno, but I mean....I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE MONKEYS! I plan to own a pet monkey after I get married, and I am gonna name it Chakita (first name) Bannana (last name), usually people tell me to use my last name but I don't wanna be related to a monkey!

The trouble is, I'll always think of you as Angie Bannana from now on.

Carole Shields, Filthadelphia, Pa., 19/10/1999
Thoroughly enjoyed Shockheaded Peter. The puppets were beautifully horrible, the lead character someone's demented uncle, and listening to the accordian player was like a Sunday outing at the local lunatic asylum. Wish I could have stayed an extra 2 days to see The Tiger Lillies gig. Sure their other material would have been just as entertaining. Another hit from Britain. Stop the press - Ally Sheedy is starring in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. You need to see. Get you and your droogs to the airport at once! You will obey!

Yes mistress, we hear and obey... shit, our LFF tickets have just arrived. Got no money left, sorry. Looking at Hedwig's homepage, it seems like the ideal production to take part in some sort of foreign exchange deal with Shockheaded Peter. Glad that you liked the latter, but surely somebody's running a "Sick Brits Mutilate Kids On Stage" protest by now? Anyway, check out the Tiger Lillies site for more details of their non-theatrical work. They've done a whole concept album about sex with animals, you know.

Iain Lello, webmaster of http://www.spankthemonkey.org.uk, 21/10/1999
Apologies, I didn't realise that there was someone out there with this web address (I hadn't thought about the hyphens) but it's too late now for regret, I'll just get on with making my site look relatively decent. I agree with your Home page; I've got the space, now I've got to put summat good on it. Cheers for even bothering to look at my page, bit crap at the minute I know.

No need to apologise, it's a fine address. Iain's page has actually come along quite a bit since I looked at it for Master Of My Domain: check it out. I'm really looking forward to those car crash photos...

Old Lag, Staring At The Autumn Colours On Wandsworth Common, 24/10/1999
Was too stunned by Mark Ravenhill's Some Explicit Polaroids to feel able to review it on your letters page until I have seen it again. Just want to register that I have been and think it is great. This is a worthwhile tactic, since as you may remember my review of Turbo Cinderella appeared on your Web Site before the show was reviewed in The Guardian. Am not sure the cross-dressing and sex change operations, as in Hedwig, are my cup of tea, but if Mistress Caroline can handle it, then so can I. Unfortunately I cannot get to the airport because I am too busy tidying my flat. On the subject of service culture, surely like other web sites you should maintain your web site at 2 am Sunday morning and not after 9am when everyone is trying to log on prior to going to the pub at 11am.

PS Nick reminded me that De La Guarda was at the LIFT [London International Festival of Theatre] prior to New York.

I can definitely agree with Old Lag on the subject of Some Explicit Polaroids. This is the play that was pulled from Edinburgh at the last minute to be replaced by Drummers (see diary), and to be honest Polaroids beats it hands down: the rumour is that the delay was caused by some last-minute rewrites, and they seem to have done the job. If you're inspired by Old Lag's enthusiasm - and let's be frank, he doesn't get enthusiastic very often, does he? - then check out these links for Some Explicit Polaroids and De La Guarda for more details.

Tommy, a house, UK, 28/10/1999
felt misled no spanking of monkeys

You see, I warned you this sort of thing would happen.

Arrr, Arrr, 30/10/1999
Arrrrrrr. Arrr. Arrr.

Errr...

Holly Scothern, London, England, 05/11/1999
Hey Spank! Been researching sites that deal with the LFF - and I have to say that yours is the most entertaining yet! Should introduce myself really - I work for Flapjack Communications, a technology PR company that has amongst its clients the www.Channel4.com and www.FilmFour.com web sites. We sent out the following press release yesterday - thought it might interest your visitors.

4 November 1999 * London, England. www.filmfour.com, the definitive site for independent, modern cinema, has today announced a project that will keep people informed of the latest developments at the London Film Festival (LFF), from 3rd to 18th November. In keeping with the spirit of the festival, two young film directors, Michael Cleary and Simon Williams, will be compiling film footage and creating a daily diary which will be streamed from the FilmFour site by the following morning. The filming is in conjunction with the British Film Institute (BFI) and is designed to provide all the highlights from the foremost cinematic event in London.

Viewers will see first-hand which actors, writers and directors have made appearances at the Festival, which films have been shown and what the people involved in their making thought of them. Of course, there'll also be plenty of gossip about each night's parties too! Filming will coincide with the festival, beginning each night at 6pm and continuing until 1am. The technology in use to deliver the news from the streets and cinemas of London to the World Wide Web is cutting edge, as could only be expected from the most creative and innovative broadcaster in the UK. Michael and Simon will be using RealPlayer software and Panasonic digital cameras, which ensure that the process is as close to real-life as possible.

Any queries, please don't hesitate to call. I'll look out for you at one of the screenings - what does a monkey spanker look like anyway?!?

I wish I could explain to you why the idea of Channel 4 asking me for publicity is so amusing right now. But I can't, sorry. Nevertheless, feel free to check out FilmFour's LFF diary.

Old Lag, Recovering From Meeting 2 Norwegian Women In The ICA Bar, 06/11/1999
Spank, you really missed out by not coming to the ICA bar after your movie on Friday. There was a great home made multi media show and some fabulous DJing for such an intimate venue. Plus you could have helped with the enormous bill for Guinness and Absinthe, and er other things. Why, Oh Why, Oh Why, give free publicity to a well heeled and inferior web site! Hate them for making you pay to see good films that could readily be paid for by the manufacturers of consumer goods I will never buy.

Sorry Jon and I missed you on Friday night, Old Lag: we were on such a downer after Humanity that I decided to give the bar a miss, and Jon's notorious for not getting on with Beats Of A Repetitive Nature anyway. I do like the ICA as a venue, particularly when they do things like this (although thanks to reconstruction work, the link's a bit flaky: but keep trying, it's worth the effort).

As for the Film Four plug, I just thought that getting a press release from C4 was extremely funny, because my moderately respectable job in the computer industry currently involves them to a degree that I can't reveal here. It doesn't make me a corporate whore or anything. Yet. Wonder if I could blag my way onto one of their video diaries...?

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 08/11/1999
Had an incredible birthday. I loved my card. Thanks. Have been checking your site for reviews. Not keen on westerns or Jewel, but Jesus' Son and The Girl on the Bridge sound worth a watch.

Had my own bday festival. Caught a matinee of The Weir (not quite as moved as I expected, had better time at Shockheaded Peter) then went to Gavin Brown's Enterprise to view Chris Ofili Afrobiotics paintings, then off to see The Creatures. Have not seen them since Brixton in 1984, still seem to have as much energy now. Next day saw Sensation at Brooklyn Museum. Not offended by controversial Virgin Mary painting but found little girl mannequins w/penis noses and vagina ears repellent. Why no little boys? Misogynists! Impressed w/ Richard Billingham photos, Jenny Saville nudes and Marc Quinn bloodhead. Don't try this at home! Saw that the Tate has Turner prize exhibit. Would like to see Tracey Emin's My Bed. Missed Every part of me's bleeding when it was in NY. Mourning that plane ticket. Thinking of coming after March but will miss show. Let me know if there is anything important coming up.

Back in Phila saw Bryan Ferry doing 30's classics, Cole Porter, Marlene Dietrich along w/ his solo and Roxy hits. He encored w/ my favorite Do the Strand. Ended the eve at a drag show. I was supposed to see Bjorn Again Abba tribute band tonight but had to beg off having spent too much time last night in my cousin's wine cellar. I guess you have another 10 days of excitement before retiring to your bed w/ a pile of videos. Happy viewing.

Thanks for letting us know what's happening over the pond, Carole: must admit, I did wonder if you'd catch Sensation while it was over in NY. (Interestingly, none of the US coverage I've read mentions the Myra Hindley portrait, which is the piece that really caused trouble when it was shown in the UK: but then again, she is one of our least popular child murderers, so the portrait probably has more resonance here.) The Pals have got tickets for Bjorn Again for one of their London Christmas shows, and we're all looking forward to it.

Old Lag, In A State of Alcohol Fuelled Deviousness, 08/11/1999
Dear reader, I do not know what you think, but I suspect Spank and Kenneth O'Loveey are using an enormous computer film knowledge database, to digitally enhance their reviews and sound more authoritative in the process. Yet another philosophical question on the power of computers. It is tricky to tell with Spank, he has probably had the database pumped into the Central Nervous System via his spine with some industrial sized pneumatic staple gun. Not unlike the situation envisioned in a recent Sci-Fi movie that did the rounds (what was the name Spank?). Just remember, Old Lag shoots from the bar, pounds the international mean streets looking for thrills and spills and cultural events that have a relevance to our sordid lives.

Do you know, since seeing the film Romance on the recent Manhattan tour, just after its American release, the gang have been meaning to discuss it, academically, and at length, like wot the French do. I mean, I had to force myself to see it, as it was described as the most sexually explicit film yet to be publicly released. Blow me if the all and sundry chatterbox, the London Time Out, has described it as THE film of 1999. Damn, will have to see it again, and take others. But then Spank, we are not like Time Out are we? In fact I found Romance neither erotic nor pornographic but in fact chilling. The alternative and widely promoted view is that it portrays guilt free sex for women. I am sorry girls, but there is one, rather onerous condition. It suggests that you have to be desperately in love with a physically beautiful and financially successful man who will not, under any circumstances, have sex with you. Damn! There are possible loopholes for you, but I won't give the game away, see it, make up your own minds, then tell us!

The only real enhancement these reviews get is cast and crew information from the LFF souvenir programme, with the occasional peek at the Internet Movie Database when all else fails. Still, if there's a module in eXistenZ that allows you to wander around a virtual reality IMDB, I could be tempted.

I'll try and catch Romance once I've got these other 40-odd movies out of the way, promise.

William Tarquin Stinton-Smythe, The Drawing Room, 12/11/1999
Thanks for pointing out the [Landover] Baptist church place in your review of The Onion - most enlightening.

If you want to see the real thing (not a satire - I promise), check out Capalert, especially their review of South Park. Just thought it might be of interest.

"...this celluloid developed in the fiery pits of Hell." It's surprising Parker and Stone haven't used that quote on the posters, isn't it? Yes, the Capalert people are incredibly mad bastards, but luckily the good folks at Landover Baptist have spotted this, and are upping the ante with their own movie reviews. Have a look at their recent analysis of Toy Story 2: "a stomach-turning tale so sexually offensive, even that ungodly crippled pervert Larry Flynt would hurl his fat little body from his wheelchair and drag his carcass out to the theater lobby to avoid seeing it."

Lou, What day is it?, 15/11/1999
Spank, great to see your London FF review but even better to hear that Best Of '99 is on the way. Damn Your Black Heart Barbra Streisand is the only CD to ever make an entire year in the stacker and been played and played and....... has even made me buy some albums - copyright police note!

Always nice to hear from a satisfied customer, Lou. Let me know if you've got a spare half hour or so in the country in December, and we can meet up so I can give you the CD they're disturbingly calling Dance A Dickless Jig. The rest of you lot will have to wait till January to find out what my favourite tunes of 1999 were, and why.

Carole, International Excitement Junkie, 20/11/1999
Whatever will I do without your reviews to read every morning?

Same thing as I suspect I'll have to do, now I don't have to write them every morning - get on with some proper work. You were right about American Beauty, by the way: it does, indeed, kick 57 varieties of arse. A great movie, although in my personal rankings of best films this Festival, I still maintain Wonderland has the edge, owing to the London connection. Check out Old Lag and Ken's final LFF notes in the newly-added page here.

Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 30/11/1999
So you are taking a little rest, Spank. Don't wait too long to post something new on your site or you know people will go elsewhere. So disloyal.

Marc Almond in Philly was about 900 times better than in Edinburgh. Besides his new Open All Nite and his torch songs of the past 15+ years he dug back further into his memory and thrilled us with Tainted Love and Memorabilia. Of course he encored with Say Hello, Wave Goodbye. People got misty.

He really seemed to enjoy the reception that he got and I think would have played longer had the Venue not had some stupid all ages license or something which forced us to vacate by 11PM. Clearly not Open all Nite! Devoted goths skipped through the streets of Chinatown and clamored around a mini van where Marc cheerfully gave autographs. Like Siouxsie, Marc still looked as great as ever with incredible energy and the power to really seduce an audience. A memorable evening.

When I was in the UK, I picked up several contemporary novels by UK and NZ authors and am working my way through. Curious to know if you've read/what you think of these authors. I will skip the feminist writers and just mention the males - Patrick McCabe, Martin Millar, Hanif Kureishi (sure you've read him because of his film connection), Nick Hornby, Frank McCourt.

I did a search on Kris Needs the other day to see if he was still writing and was thrilled to see he'd written his bio (although he got slammed in the one review I read). I will buy it for nostalgic reasons. Flashback of sitting at the Batcave, a drunken Kris yelping like a wounded wildebeest, BAARROOO! To echo the Specimen anthem Spank, "Have a truly vile day! "

Let me get this straight. After sixteen days of continual updates I spend a week catching up with work, and all of a sudden I'm being sneered at for "taking a little rest"? Bloody slavedriver.

Anyway, regarding your reading list. Of the five you mention, I've not got around to McCourt and Millar yet (although I keep feeling I should read the latter some time). Kureishi and Hornby are as familiar as you'd expect - did Kureishi's TV adaptation of Buddha Of Suburbia make it to the US, or was it too filthy? McCabe is definitely best of the bunch for me. I was blown away by The Butcher Boy, convinced it was utterly unfilmable - great to see Neil Jordan proving me wrong. Having said that, I've just finished Breakfast On Pluto, which was a bit of a disappointing mess: but on the whole, that whole Irish folksy horror thing works for me.

If you're looking for a reciprocal list, I'm afraid I've not been reading as much new writing as I'd like to lately. Iain Banks is still worth a look when he's not doing the sci-fi stuff, James Hawes does reasonably amusing things about what it's like to be a thirtysomething Brit male, and I've always had a soft spot for Armistead Maupin: he did a reading of his forthcoming The Night Listener in London early this year, and I've been gagging for the book ever since. If there's one novel I have to recommend above all others from the last couple of years, it's Voice Of The Fire by Alan Moore, a collection of loosely-linked short stories set over a period of 6000 years in Northampton. More Moore when I blather on about The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen some time next year, but try to read that one in advance.

Feel free to drop further dark hints about your London Goth past whenever you like.

Old Lag, Desperately Trying To Get To My Neighbourhood Bar Before Closing Time!, 02/12/1999
God this website is getting like work, all the punters want is more product, more product. Mind you Spank, our correspondent from Phila has a point. You know, today's news is tomorrow's fish and chip wrapping! It's beginning to look as though one record review every six weeks will not keep the regulars hitting. As a selection of nude photographs of one or both of us will probably not work, it is reviews, reviews, and more reviews.

Terrance (Wandsworth Literary Tea Set) and myself recently slogged it to the Lyric Hammersmith, fairly spontaneously, on a brief snatch of a story line, to see Hymns created and performed by Frantic Assembly. At 1 hour 20 mins we were just about able to mentally survive for a quick clap and then storm out to empty our colostomy bags and top up at the bar. In line with current moves to involve a younger audience, it was creditable in terms of sound track, presenting physical theatre in a dance orientated way, and about lads with lad jokes. (What does the Leper say to the prostitute? I'll leave you the tip!) However this more modern brand of physical theatre, compared with the mature East and the modern and mesmerising Scratch (both reviewed by this web site at the Edinburgh Festival), unless you are genuinely, genuinely interested solely in physical movement is ruinously boring and repetitive, unless they have something gripping and involving to say. The Hymns story was Lads, well portrayed but with no real characterisation and a story that well, said they found it nigh on impossible to communicate and emote even when tanked up after a friend's funeral, and cope when some dark secrets about their emotional failure had come out. A story such that I could have come out with, after wobbling back from the neighbourhood bar and hanging up my washed shirts, if I ever get there in the first place!

Old Lag, Getting Nostalgic Prior To The Millennium!, 04/12/1999
I've seen a band called Remote! Spank, can you cast your mind back and empathise with being 17 in a small town, neither in the midlands nor the home counties, when the thing to do, probably the only thing to do, was see a band. It might be something awesome from the greater world, like SNAFU at the local Physical Education College (awgh! the fit older women!) or a home-made band in the cellar of the local hotel. The excitement! The only person with short hair would be an off-duty policeman, hoping to become the drug squad!

Trying to capture this spirit and hoping, as in Newfoundland, grass roots music still throbs in a media globalising world, staggered across the common and hailed from the constant 24 hour stream of Black Cabs heading for Wandsworth Bridge and to anywhere in this metropolitan cultural supermarket. Down river to the Half Moon Putney.

And there was this band. Just can't do those cheesy reviews that say 'they are obviously influenced by, and in the mould of' . Er they are not like Orbital, Um no obvious influence from Barry White, definitely not boring like Oasis, umh no punk-jamaican beats, Cliff Richard can't help here, is it Malian treestump blues? er nope, 80s boom pop - nope. Erm I'm struggling here Spank. They got into my head, through all the crap and alcohol, so suggest people see them. They have a web site (they need a bit of advice there) and a CD I had an enjoyable weekend with, for which I thank them.

At least this is more coherent than his review of the Chemical Brothers gig that Old Lag and I attended the previous day, which went "lsdirgdfllyearrg dgte mmutea wooobl 20 muisdiooi treeeedgh narcgh. Cor!" Sure, that's exactly how I felt the morning after, but you can be too impressionist with these things sometimes.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 06/12/1999
[re: London Film Festival 1999]

No review of Love In The Mirror? OK then get this --- Love In The Mirror is the x-rated version of Shakespeare In Love. Although there was a lot of female nudity and lesbian love scenes, I did not let that spoil my enjoyment of the film. P.S. I hope I haven't missed your deadline?

Missed it by a mile, Mike: but as you don't actually own a computer, I'll let you off.

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, London, England, 10/12/1999
THE 1999 SUZANNE VEGA FANCLUB ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT AWARDS (the ones you voted for)

Best Film: Shakespeare In Love. Best Album: The Globe Sessions, Sheryl Crow. Best TV Drama: Tina Goes Shopping. Best TV Documentary: Storyville - (Srebrenica) A Cry From The Grave.

TELEVISION: Most Disappointing New C4 Series: Ally McBeal (runner up - England v New Zealand). Worst Music Documentary: The Sopranos. The Maureen - Driving School 'No Way To Treat A Motor' Award: Grant Mitchell (Eastenders). Repeated Once Too Often Award: Teletubbies (winners once AGAIN/AGAIN).

THEATRE: The Annual 'Praying For A Monsoon In Regents Park' Award: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum. Best Miranda Richardson Lookalike Award: Jennifer Ehle. The Annual 'You May Be Australian But You're No Nicole Kidman' Award: Cate Blanchett.

FILM: Best Use Of A Camcorder Award: The Idiots. Worst Use Of A Camcorder Award: Blair Witch Project. The Lion King 'That Wasn't Very Scary' Award: Blair Witch Project (however Child Of Blair Witch, due out in summer 2000, is expected to be an unimaginable horror). The 1st 'Most Imaginative Use Of A Ribbon' Award: Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare In Love). The Saving Private Ryan 'Call That A War Film' Award: The Thin Red Line. The 2nd Divine Brown/Andie Macdowell 'Yanks Against Liz Hurley' Award: Julia Roberts (runner up Heather Graham). The Most Disappointing Actress In A Porn Film Award: Kate Winset (Hideous Kinky). Most Inappropriate Plot For A Porn Film: Hideous Kinky. Most Inappropriate Plot For A Family Film: The Mummy. Most Inappropriate Plot For A Animal Film: Dobermann. The Poltergeist 'Too Much TV Is Bad For You' Award: Ed TV. The 'Scarlet Letter/Regeneration/Lost In Space' Worst Film Ever Made Award: The Mask Of Zorro (late contender Hurlyburly).

MUSIC: The 'Why The Fuck Should We' Song Title Award: Geri Halliwell, Look At Me. The Best Combination Of Humour And Irony In An Album Title Award: Mel C, Northern Star. Fellowship Of The Michael Jackson 'Pop Stars Who Love Children' Foundation: Gary Glitter.

AND FINALLY: The Michael Jackson 'Inappropriate Relationship With A Monkey' Award: Spank. The Annual Bic 'It May Have Been A Twenty Pence Pen But I Got That For My Birthday' Award: Lesley. The Inaugural BT Callbox 'I Was Reading The Cards Your Honour, Not Putting Them There' Award: Old Lag. The 'Don't Wake Me Yet, The Film Isn't Over' Award: Christine. The European Union 'BSE Is Of Course A Worry' Award: Rob D. The Umpteenth 'Music Was My First Love, And It Will Be My Last' Award: Ken. The 'Edinburgh? Is That On The Piccadilly Line?' Award: Mike.

Notice how Suze (can I call you Suze?) has spent the whole year quiet as a mouse, but give him access to an internet cafe and there's no shutting him up. I suspect that none of Spank's Pals will ever talk to you again after that last paragraph, though.

Old Lag, Did Some One Mention Tits-Out?, 11/12/1999
My thoughts precisely. What more could a man want when getting the alcoholic processing capacity of his liver in training for the festive season. Sarah Jane Morris at Ronnie Scotts. Never knew she had it in her. That little glimmer of memory in my musical mind of her Gay Disco duet, Don't Leave Me This Way with Communards stray, Jimmy Sommerville. Great song, but what a disservice to her. Wow the husky voice!, the decollage!, the wit! The songs, celebrations of sex, older men lusting after younger women, Chet Baker, Me (a woman!) and Mrs Jones, a not quite right tribute to Mr BW, master of lurve himself. Going on the dewy eyed women in cuddles around me, they were having their emotional bells rung. Sarah, flirting with someone in the front row, sex unknown, talked of the roller coaster of relationships behind her. Now a married woman, where was there to go? 'Divorce' I shouted.

Ah, but as the Attack! Books review will prove, I was using the phrase "tits-out" in a non-sexist ironic context. Honestly.

Paul Mason, Essex, England, 13/12/1999
Just wondering when you're going to put your DVD experiences on line. I've just ordered a player and wanted to know the best places to buy Region 1 disks (and 2) - any recommendations?

Yes, I know I've been promising the DVD piece for a couple of months now. The problem is, it tends to go on the back burner when something more topical pops up, such as the ATTACK! Books review that's recently appeared. Like I said, it'll be there soon - February ish, at current estimate.

In the meantime... I tend to get all my Region 1 discs from faithful old Amazon, with the occasional visit to Asian Express when I need a fix of Hong Kong cinema. I usually buy them two at a time: on the few occasions I've tried to get more, I've ended up paying unwelcome customs duty. If you're serious about trying to save money at the potential risk of using a less reliable retailer, try DVD Price Search for a price comparison of multiple on-line stores. I don't get many Region 2 disks: the few I own I've just bought in the high street.

Be prepared to spend more money than you planned on these things.

Old Lag, Spending Too Much Time In The Vanity Publishing Biz, 13/12/1999
And what precisely is the manifesto of this site? Have you got one? Are we all going down to the pub with a 20p Bic biro and a pile of beer mats to retrofit one? The year did not start with The Mask of Zorro did it? In which case it has been a very long year. Nice to hear from Suze, she had better watch it! The bottom drawer of Old Lag's filing cabinet, labelled 'Blackmail Materials', is crammed with stuff.

No manifesto, other than to be more fun than a pig in knickers. (Or is that a mission statement?)

Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 18/12/1999
Thoroughly enjoyed Bjorn Again [Shepherd's Bush Empire, 14/12/1999 - Spank]. However, most upset they didn't sing The Winner Takes It All. Perhaps they don't do that one until the group is on the verge of splitting up! Also where can you buy their albums? I am sure with tunes like that they have a big future. (I could say more but I know this self destructs after 1200 letters and I have lost count.)

I saw Bjorn Again with Suze and can back him up on how great they were. Despite the gentle piss-taking, they can really bring the songs to life on stage and do them justice. It just emphasised even more how the entire cast of Mamma Mia! should be punished for their crimes against music.

Uncle Tony, late 20th century, Earth, main timeline, 20/12/1999
Sorry I've been so quiet recently, still checking out the pages occasionally - am I the only person in the world who thinks that Futurama is complete b*ll*cks?

Anyway festive felicitations, hope you get something better than 'A neater, drearier, apt pig'!

I'm afraid it's just you as far as Futurama goes. It's currently rocking as hard as The Simpsons ever did, and it's only taken one series to get there. Watch out for the forthcoming second series, which is even better.

As for your final paragraph, it makes no bloody sense whatsoever. I know exactly what I'm getting this Christmas: Mr Grunt's "View Mum" Meddler, VIP green pie nipples, an old saner piglet, a nice ending island, Dalek imaging (I'm shit), massive newsman wings, a sexy genial egis, loving fridges, fluid carbon girls, her chef 'n' her nest, rude wet TV tools and a dearer tapering pirate.

Old Lag, Staggering Upstairs With A Crate of Champagne!, 23/12/1999
And a Merry Christmas to all our readers! Have a great Millennium. If you are in the Biz, a professionally quiet one. We'll all be back on Tuesday the 4th to help clear up. Was totally gobsmacked by Anonymous Society's theatrical rendition of a selection of Jaques Brel's songs, at the Lyric Hammersmith. It runs over the holiday period and is well worth taking a loved one to on her birthday as indeed a friend now is. Some of the songs were gorgeous beyond belief, it was a huge surprise. Definitely appeal to Piaf fans - Carole? A great way to round off an evening of city drinking in the King Ludd with ex-collegues, where I found that I now know a web underpant sales magnate. It all helped to negate turning up at the theatre on a different day from Nick, Spank and the gang - totally baffled why you weren't there. Great show Nick, well spotted. Please remember the less fortunate at this time of year and give them a bottle of Champers, or something useful.

And the funniest thing was, Nick was complaining at the end of it about how it "wasn't as good as the Edinburgh version"! Well, I loved it too. The show's still on at the Lyric Theatre in Hammersmith, London W6 until January 8th, so you've still got time to catch it. Run, you buggers, run.

"Web underpants"? Wouldn't they fall through the... oh, never mind.